Silent Whispers for Help
by Honniing
Summary: Light has just regained his memories of being Kira, but for some reason he is feeling conflicted about the things he has done as Kira, and from there things only goes downhill. How much will his inner conflict tear him apart? How will L react to the sudden changes in the brunette? Will he want to help Light, or abuse his sudden vulnerability and finally find proof that he is Kira?
1. Ch 1: The Beginning of the End

**So it's back! For those who have already read it you will notice that I have made a lot of changes to it, and hopefully you will agree that the changes are for the better.**

 **My story begins about in the middle of episode 24, when they catch Higuchi, and develops from there.**

 **Word count: 4666**

 **-x-**

 **Chapter 1: The Beginning of The End**

Light was pacing the bathroom floor. Just a few walls were separating him and the rest of the task force. What should feel like a few meters felt like miles upon miles. They had just retrieved the Death Note from Higuchi Kyosuke, and returned to headquarters to study it and the Shinigami that was attached to it. There was a lot of work that had to be done; Higuchi had died soon after his capture, and they had found a supposedly magical notebook that had been used to kill people. Their findings had to be reported, studied and filed systematically. The task force was running about like mice, thrilled to have made such huge progress. Light, however, had walked straight to the closest bathroom as soon as L had released him from their handcuffs, exerting all his focus to keep up his normal façade. He felt torn in a thousand different directions as his head was spinning with thoughts. L had apologized for suspecting him for so long; he had practically admitted defeat. He had won. The rules he had created would become the rules of his new world.

Despite his clear victory, Light felt more uncertain than he had ever done before. He couldn't find it in himself to rejoice at his triumph. Instead, he was overcome with new emotions he'd previously thought himself incapable of.

 _I killed him. I killed a man. He was not innocent, but it was not my right to place judgement upon him either. I should not have killed him... I had to kill him though! He was an obstacle that had to be eliminated, therefore my actions are justified. I did what had to be done. Although I could have done things differently… No! Relying on Rem to kill Higuchi would not have been a fool-proof plan. Things would have been too uncertain; it was the only way. I am a murderer now… Stupid! I have been a murderer for a long time… No! That's not right… I kill murderers... and thieves, and swindlers, and drug dealers, and the filth of this world. I kill people just like a murderer. What I do is wrong… But it isn't though. I can't do wrong. I am justice… I am Kira. No… I'm god._

Light stopped in front of the mirror over the sink and smirked at his own reflection. He remembered the look of shock on L's face while he had watched Higuchi writhe in pain as his heart stopped beating. He had hoped L would be terrified when he realised how close his certain death was, but he knew L was too composed to fall that far. He would reveal his fear; if he felt any at all. They would be releasing Misa any moment; everyone would expect him to be there. He had no time for pitiful moments of sentimentality. He shook his head and laughed quietly at his own foolishness, he could not let his victory get to his head. He cast one final glance at his own flawless reflection before he walked out of the bathroom, ready to say goodbye to Misa. Ready to tell her the location of the buried Death Note so that his plan could proceed. Ready to continue playing his role for just a little bit longer.

-x-

The entire task force was sitting in the main room in silence. Everyone were burnt out after a long day and ready to go home, yet no one seemed to want to be the first one to leave.

Light was contemplating what had been a rather dramatic goodbye-scene with Misa. For some reason he had changed his mind about telling her to go dig up the Death Note. He had a nagging feeling in the back of his head; somehow, he felt that it would be wiser to wait. L's monotone voice finally broke the silence startling everyone except Light.

"Must be hard." He said, his gaze glued to the computer screen as usual.

"What?" Light asked. He wasn't sure who L was talking to, but out of all the options he was the most likely alternative.

"Not being so close to Misa anymore." L said, looking at Light with his usual stoic mask well in place.

"Did you break up?!" Matsuda yelled in shock, looking back and forth between Light and L, hoping to get an answer.

"No, Matsuda, we didn't, I think L meant _physically close,_ as in she was living upstairs." Light explained, massaging his temples discretely, trying not to act too offensively towards Matsuda. He had grown tired of dealing with the idiotic man long ago.

"Do you have no intention of addressing my statement Light-kun?" L urged, earning a dirty look from Light. Light had made sure no one but L would see it.

"Yes. Of course, it is hard. I wish I could be with her every day, however catching Kira comes first." Light said. He didn't know why but it felt strange to lie like that. Somehow. Lies didn't feel as welcome in his world as they used to. For some reason it just felt _wrong._

"Awww, poor Light-kun! Leave him alone Ryuuzaki, aren't you done picking on him now that we have proof that he isn't Kira?" Matsuda said.

"Ok." L said simply, then he returned to staring at his computer screen. He didn't seem to actually be doing anything on his computer, he was just staring emptily at the screen. Light assumed all of the things L was doing at that very moment was happening inside his head. The L he knew never really did _nothing._ There was always something going on in that brilliant mind of his.

"Guys! I just had a genius idea! Let's go out for a drink tonight! You know, to celebrate catching Kira and all!" Matsuda suddenly exclaimed. The silence seemed to be getting to him again. The rest of the task force, excluding L and Light, looked at each other before they nodded in agreement.

"That's not a bad idea actually." Soichiro said. "We have all worked hard, and achieved what looked impossible at the beginning, we should relax a bit."

It seemed as if it had been what everyone had waited for. The cue to get moving and leave headquarters. Everyone started gathering their things and tidying up their workspaces before they left together. Everyone, except L and Light.

"Are you not going with them?" L asked without looking at Light.

"Aren't you?" Light countered.

"I don't like being out in public, surely you know this by now." L said, raising and invisible eyebrow.

"I suppose I do." Light said distractedly. This made L turn to look at him curiously.

"Is there something on your mind, Light-kun?" L asked, his eyes wide in mock concern, and otherwise as unreadable as usual.

"I am a bit tired, that's all." Light said. He was staring into the room without actually seeing it.

"It has been a long day, maybe you should retire for the night?" L asked.

"Yes. That sounds nice." Light said, standing up slowly.

"Light-kun? Aren't you forgetting something?" L asked. There was _something_ in his voice. Light couldn't discern whether it was worry or amusement, or something else entirely. L's words however made Light snap out of his daze. _Was_ he forgetting something?

The handcuffs. They were gone. That meant he wouldn't have to share the bedroom with L anymore, in fact it would look strange if he did. He had been so unfocused he had made a mess of something so trivial. He could have smacked himself.

"What?" Light turned around, looking at L with a perfect mixture of surprise and confusion on his face. He glanced down at his wrist and let his face light up with understanding. "Oh! Of course, where should I be sleeping now?" He asked, laughing at his own silly behaviour.

"I won't sleep tonight, so you could sleep in the room we have been sharing if you wish, and then I'll have Watari prepare another room tomorrow. Unless you want to go home that is." L said. Light felt as if L's keen gaze was dissecting him. He knew he had acted out of character. He had _been_ out of character.

"No thank you. Traveling between here and home is a waste of time. I need to use my time wisely. Focusing on the case is my number one priority." Light said diligently. It was what was expected of him.

Light Suddenly felt unwell; he had just realised that everything he did was following a path that was lain out before him long ago. He wasn't even sure it was entirely of his own making anymore. He, the genius Light Yagami, had become a puppet himself in the game of deception he had been playing with L. Earlier he had felt so empowered by his victory; things had gone exactly according to plan, he had felt so… _in control._ Now his world was thrown into chaos by a simple _feeling_. He wasn't in control anymore.

 _I am so tired. Why did I even start all of this to begin with…? Shut up! I know why. This is the right thing. I can't second guess myself now, that would surely be the death of me! I need to pull myself together._

"If you say so Light-kun." L said. His gaze was still trained upon Light, trying to figure out what was happening inside of the younger man's head.

"I'll go to bed now, before I fall asleep where I stand." Light said, laughing for a bit, just like he was expected to, then he left. Once again forcing himself to keep his flawless façade in place. It was slipping, and it took all he had to walk away from L as if nothing was wrong or out of place.

He had expected to feel some sort of relief when he finally reached the familiar bathroom in the apartment he and L had been sharing for so long. He was not granted any relief. As soon as the door was locked behind him, his head was bombarded with thoughts. The thoughts were so loud and contradicting it was as if they all got their own voice, screaming at him from inside his head trying desperately to grab his attention and hold on to it.

 _What am I doing?! I nearly blew it!_

 _This is wrong why am I doing this!_

 _How can I call myself god when I can't even keep my shit together?!_

 _I have become a murderer! This was not how it was supposed to be!_

 _I am Kira and I am going to kill L!_

 _It feels like I'm falling. I don't have any control anymore._

 _I want to kill L!_

 _Do I really?_

 _Someone… please… help…_

Light's eyes begun to sting, just like they used to do when he was a kid, when he was about to cry. He shook his head violently and tore off his clothes. He turned on the shower and stepped into it without waiting for the water to become warm. He felt confused and uncertain, and for the first time since that fateful day, on November 23rd 2003, when he first picked up the Death Note, he actually doubted himself. He remembered having moments of fear and doubt the first few days after, but that was nothing compared to this. Now he was actually hesitating with his plan. He knew hesitating could be lethal, yet he couldn't help it. He, Light Yagami, could not control his own emotions… and it hurt. It hurt so bad he didn't know what to do.

 _What is happening to me…?_

Light didn't even try to stop the tears from falling from his eyes. There was no point. He was broken. Something, somewhere along the way had happened. What was it? What was making him feel so conflicted? Spending so much time next to L, seeing how little he cares for his subordinates, seeing how much he wanted to catch Kira, to catch _Light_ , all of that should have made Light even more determined to finish what he had started.

 _Where did I go wrong…?_

Then there was L, no, Ryuuzaki. Not the detective, but the _person_ Light had spent so much time with. The person who had kept him company through the long nights of investigating. The only person Light had ever met who was equal, if not superior, to him intellectually. And every day with him was exciting and interesting, and he never grew bored.

Light realised how his own selfishness was what was ruining him. He had never experienced such a strong desire to keep something that he was supposed to get rid of. It was a completely new type of discipline that he had never practiced before, and he wasn't certain if he was going to be able to go through with it.

 _Am I strong enough…?_

Light reached for the soap, wanting to scrub away all the conflicting thoughts, but instead his hand caught something sharp. He looked at the item in his hand; it was a barber razor. This one had become rather dull, but he had neglected to throw it away yet. It was one of the many grooming items he regularly used, which was a great contrast to L's one bottle of head and shoulders "all-in-one" shampoo and shower gel. He remembered how he had asked why L paid so little attention to his own appearance. He had only gotten an empty look in return, as usual. L never shared any personal information with anyone, unless he had to. Light stared emptily at the Razor, turning it idly in his hand. He was imagining a better dressed L, with proper posture and well-groomed hair. Would he respect L more or less, if he looked like that?

He didn't think he would. It wouldn't be the L he knew, with all his quirks and weirdness. Light felt something clench in his chest while he thought of L, tighter and tighter, as if his very heart didn't want to let L go.

 _That's just silly…_ He thought to himself, yet the increasingly painful feeling did not go away. It was as if it had a will of its own, like a soaring dragon, refusing to go down without a fight. Light clenched his hands in frustration. The sharp pain from his palm reminded him that he was still holding onto the razor. He opened his hand gingerly. He watched as a thin stream of blood blended with the water, giving it an orange tinge as it rushed down the drain. It was as if it washed away a small part of his confusion and pain.

It actually felt _good._

Light stared at the razor in a contemplating manor for a few minutes before he came to himself. The thoughts and ideas that had been playing around his mind made him feel sick and disgusted with himself.

 _How could I even_ consider _such a thing? What the hell is wrong with me?_

Light put the razor away hurriedly and grabbed the soap instead. He grabbed the soap with the hand with the cut, making it sting. He told himself it was an accident, because he would never admit he had willingly caused himself pain. He scrubbed himself until his skin was red and sore, and the turmoil inside of him had calmed down, then he got out of the shower.

He dried himself and pulled on a pair of boxers in a robotic manner. Normally he would dry his hair before he went to bed, but today he couldn't be bothered. It didn't seem all that important anymore. Why should his hair matter when he had to kill L, and a part of him that he didn't even know existed, wanted to keep L alive?

Light didn't sleep much that night, he kept tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable position. The few times he did manage to find a position that didn't feel lumpy and uncomfortable, his mind wandered to the most terrible pictures of dead bodies, Ryuk and the Death Note. If Light didn't know any better he would think he was actually feeling _guilty,_ however there was no way he could feel guilt; he was God after all.

-x-

At four in the morning Light gave up on sleep. He got dressed in the first matching shirt and pair of jeans he could find in the closet. He was glad he hadn't had time to clean out his belongings from the apartment he'd been living in with L the day before. It would be too awkward to walk around in the rags L called clothes, and going home just to get himself a new outfit, while wearing yesterdays dirty clothes, would be utterly disgusting. Or so he told himself, but he didn't really feel the truth in it, as he normally would have.

Normally, there was little he wouldn't do to avoid wearing dirty clothes, yet he suspected that if the circumstances made it the only available option today, then he wouldn't have cared. It just didn't seem all that important. Nothing did. The only things that mattered were L and the Death Note. Soon he would be left alone, without anyone to play games of deception with. And he knew, no one could ever take L's place. There was only one L in the world, and Light would kill him.

 _When I kill L, it will be the final nail in the coffin. My position as God in the new world will be secure, and I will finally be able to truly begin shaping the world to my liking._

When Light walked into the Livingroom, it took all he had not to jump and yell in surprise; Rem was hanging there in the air, looking out of the window silently.

"What are you doing here?" Light asked, trying not to sound too rude. It was hard to get on Rem's good side, and even harder to stay there.

"L kept asking me difficult questions; I got tired so I left him alone. I also have to stay close to you; you are the owner of the Death Note." Rem said, gliding over to where Light was standing, as if proving a point. "L seem to think that the fake rules are fake, I fear he will continue investigating Misa if you don't kill him soon."

"I am aware, I am reconsidering my original plan, the situation has changed slightly, but it's nothing major, I just don't want to mess up when I am this close to victory." Light said, hoping his words would reassure Rem, rather than make her suspicious.

"Very well, I don't trust you, but I trust that you care enough for your own life to keep your word to me." Rem said.

"I suppose I do." Light said, more to himself than Rem. "Don't return to the main room before the rest of the task force arrives, or else it will look suspicious. Preferably stick a little closer to my father but not too much, that would also look suspicious."

 _If I can avoid it I'd rather not have L find out that Rem is haunting me instead of the Death Note, and if he figures out that it is the human who owns it, and not the book itself that is haunted by the Shinigami, I'd rather have him think it is my father, who was the first person to touch the Death Note after Higuchi, who is possessed instead of me._

"I understand." Rem said.

Light walked down to the main room, only to find L sitting in front of his computer in the exact same position as he had done the evening before, except now he had a large chocolate cake placed neatly next to his keyboard

"Did you have a bad dream, Light-kun?" L asked as soon as Light entered the room. He hadn't even looked in Light's direction before he spoke.

"No, why do you ask?" Light said, realising what a foolish question it was right after he had spoken.

"You aren't usually up this early." L answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, which it was, and Light felt painfully stupid for not having thought his reply through _before_ answering L. L was a detective, it was his job to put together two and two, so _of course_ he would react to it.

"Well, yesterday left me with a lot to think about, so I found it difficult to get a good night's sleep." Light said honestly. He liked those moments when the conversation actually allowed him to be completely honest. Somehow, considering his constant deceit, it just seemed so ironic to him.

"I suppose it did. Do you know how to kill me now then?" L asked. Light froze in his tracks. _How does he know? Did I slip up? Has he figured out that some of the rules are fake? What is this?_

"What are you talking about?" Light asked tensely, he couldn't bring himself to sound more relaxed, however he didn't think sounding tense would incriminate him further either way. It was normal to be tense when someone accused you of being a mass murderer, right after they had found proof that you weren't.

"Relax, Light-kun, it was a joke." L said, cutting off a piece of the chocolate cake with his spoon.

"Oh, I'm sorry; I suppose I'm just too used to you accusing me of being Kira. I didn't realise." Light said acridly.

"My, my, such a caustic reply. No need to be huffy. It's just so unusual for you to make such a mistake, Light-kun. It was rather unexpected." L said, glancing sideways at the brunette.

"Yesterday was a tough day." Light said dismissively, hoping L wouldn't pry any further. As soon as L spoke, Light knew that he had made a mistake; L had caught on to something already.

"I suppose it was…" L said, he sounded distracted, and was clearly very focused on something. This made Light's stomach turn, because he was pretty certain it wasn't the cake, and if L wasn't focusing on his cake then it had to be his own thoughts, which meant that he had read more into Light's behaviour than Light had intended to display. Light cursed himself inwardly; he had been completely off his game ever since he had regained his memories. It had never been _this_ hard to keep up his act before he gave up ownership of the Death Note.

"Aren't you tired Ryuuzaki?" Light asked, trying to keep the conversation going. It didn't seem to work out in his favour.

"No, not particularly." L said, clearly still deep in thought.

"Well, technically there are still a few hours left before work starts, and the rest of the task force arrives, so I think I'll go for a run. I've been handcuffed to you for so long, I haven't had the opportunity to work out at all." Light said, walking towards the stairs hurriedly.

"Wait, Light-kun." L said, just as Light reached the exit to the staircase. Light turned around slowly, looking at L, trying to keep his expression blank despite his tangled nerves. _Has he figured out anything?_ Was one of the thoughts that kept pressing themselves to the surface.

"Have you seen the Shinigami, Rem, today?" He asked innocently. Light felt all of the colour drain from his face. He hoped he was standing too far away for L to be able to see it, or else L would know for certain that he was lying when he answered.

"No. The last time I saw her was yesterday, right before I went to bed, she was hanging around here." Light said. It took all he had to keep his voice steady and convincing.

"I see… It disappeared not long after you went to bed. I thought it may have followed you." L said.

"Why would you think that?" Light asked. He felt nauseous. He couldn't understand why lying suddenly felt as if it was next to impossible, nor how he was still managing to pull it off more or less flawlessly.

"If it knew you beforehand then perhaps it wanted to exchange information? Or maybe you have some sort of power over it, and it followed you to receive orders? Or perhaps it is not the book itself that is possessed by the Shinigami, but the first one who took it from Higuchi? Or maybe Soichiro is not the one possessed even though he was the first one to touch the Death Note after Higuchi, maybe it's you? Maybe it became yours because you were the one holding it as Higuchi died?" L said, looking straight at Light, his expression _almost_ triumphant.

Light opened his mouth to answer, but found that he had completely lost use of his voice. He closed his mouth dumbly. _How did he…?_

"This is all mere speculation of course. The first two options would mean that some of the rules in the Death Note are fake. The last one is plausible though, it is probable even, given that the Death Note is such a violent tool." L said, biting his thumb thoughtfully.

"I see. Well, as I said I haven't seen her since yesterday, now if you would excuse me I'm going to go get changed." Light said, grateful that his voice seemed to function properly again.

"Light-kun" L said. The tone in his voice actually made Light shiver. Even before L spoke, Light knew he had messed up majorly this time. "You called it _her."_

L didn't need to say anything else. Both geniuses in the room understood very well what he was implying: It had been impossible for any of the task force to tell whether the Shinigami was a female or a male, and that was supposed to include Light as well.

Light stood completely still, not even breathing, for what felt like an eternity as L looked at him, this time there was no doubt in Light's mind that the expression L was wearing was nothing _but_ triumphant. Even Matsuda would be able to tell that L had achieved something that he was proud off.

Light _knew_ he had to say something. _Fast._ He had to make up a believable excuse, but before he had the opportunity to say anything L spoke again:

"It confirms what I already suspected; from its looks, voice and demeanour I have also concluded that it has to be a female, if the Shinigami even have such gender roles, who knows?"

 _What?! What is he doing? Why is he making up the excuse for me? What is he playing at? My words implied that I know Rem better than I have let on so far, and that I, one way or the other, have lied to L. Either about talking to Rem earlier, or about being Kira, or both…_ Light should have felt relieved to be granted a reprieve from the pressure of having to defend his "innocence", but instead he felt some weird unfamiliar feeling. If he didn't know any better he would guess it was fear, but that couldn't be it, he was Light Yagami after all, the God of the new world.

"So, I hope you will continue to stay in the same apartment, Light-kun, I do rather like to keep my friends close. Almost as close as I keep my enemies…" L said, the look he was giving Light spoke more than a thousand words. Light knew L wouldn't put him in handcuffs again, because the rest of the task force would be strongly against it, but from that point on L was going to watch Light so closely that he might as well could have been handcuffed to the man, and Light could do nothing about it.

 **-x-**

 **So! What did you think? Does it look promising?**

 **I will be posting chapters roughly every two to three weeks so that I will have time to make any changes that I might want to make if you guys have any brilliant suggestions, and also because I spent a lot of time on school because I want to become a doctor or something along those lines and it requires a lot of studying.**


	2. Ch 2: Chased Away his Brightest Light

**Wow! I did not expect this amount of positive feedback! Here is the next chapter. I have been editing this instead of practicing for my German test tomorrow… wish me luck, I'm clearly going to need it.**

 **Word count: 4269**

 **-x-**

 **Chapter 2: He Chased Away his Brightest Light**

 _Pathetic! Utterly, completely pathetic. What was I thinking? How could I have made such an idiotic mistake? …_

 _Because you are weak. …_

 _Shut up! I am God! …_

 _You're barely even yourself anymore, let alone God. …_

 _Shut up, shut up, shut up! …_

 _Your emotions are getting in the way. Your sentimentality is ruining you. …_

 _I'm not emotional. …_

 _Look at yourself. …_

 _I can't help it, I need to pull myself together… how can I fix this? …_

 _Let go of your emotions. …_

 _HOW?!_

Light was pacing the bathroom floor in the small apartment he _un_ officially shared with L. _Again_. His thoughts were a whirling mess, and it was impossible for him to tell whether he actually was speaking aloud or just thinking silently. He had gone for a run after his conversation with L two hours earlier in a poor attempt at keeping up his act, even though he knew it was pointless. It was such a ridiculous mistake to make; one tiny word had put him back to square one. However, this time he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to fight his way to victory. He had managed to make several mistakes during a conversation that hadn't lasted for more than fifteen minutes. He clearly wasn't himself anymore, something had changed. He just couldn't figure out what.

Light stopped in front of the mirror and gripped the sink. He looked at himself, hating how his own mind seemed to be turning against him. A sudden thought accompanied by pure terror the likes of which he hadn't experienced before flashed through his mind.

 _Am I going mad…?_

Light stared at himself, trying desperately to find some sort of clue or _something_ that would tell him that he was, in fact, ok, and just stressed out, just like the rest of the task force. He realised, as he stared his own reflection down, that there wasn't really a way to tell merely from looking at his own reflection whether or not he was ok. He needed something that could steady him. A lifeline of sorts, he just didn't know where or how to get it.

 _Let go…_ A voice at the back of his mind whispered.

Right after the voice had spoken Light jumped back from the mirror in surprise. For a moment, he could have sworn that his own reflection had smirked at him, eyes glowing red as blood. He walked cautiously closer to the mirror, tracing his fingers along the cold glass surface.

 _What was that…?_

Light shook his head in a futile attempt at clearing his head of all those confusing thoughts.

A shower. That was what he needed. He hadn't showered after he had gone running either way, and showering always helped. At least that was what Light told himself as he stripped off his clothes unceremoniously.

Light turned the water on as warm as it would get and stepped into the shower. He felt the stream of water singe his back mercilessly. He grabbed his shampoo and lathered it harshly into his hair, his nails digging into his scalp. It stung, but he didn't care. It distracted him, and that was all he needed at that moment. To focus on something other than his own crumbling mind.

Light rinsed out the shampoo and did the same with the soap; he scrubbed himself raw. When he was done, he stood still for a few moments, relishing the sensation of the scalding hot water running down his body.

 _You are so pathetic…_ That same voice from before said form the back of his mind, with a horrible cackle. It rang through his head, grating at his ears. Light pressed his palms to the sides of his head, trying to shut the noise out. It was no use. The laughing voice was still there; mocking his weakness. Enjoying his pain.

Light screamed.

" _Why can't you leave me alone_?!" He yelled at the empty space in front of himself.

The voice in his head went silent for a moment, and then the laughing returned. Worse than before. More excruciating than Light would have thought possible. Light looked around in desperation, hoping to find something that could make that horrible laughter stop.

In lack of any better ideas, he slammed his head into the tiled wall. It made a loud thump, which echoed sickeningly through the bathroom. Light staggered back, as the world twisted and turned in front of him. He threw out his arms to steady himself.

It took a few moments for the dizziness to pass. Light hadn't noticed that the cackling in his head had disappeared until it returned. He felt weak and helpless, and at the mercy of his own mind. His mind, which had always been his strongest tool. The thing he had used it to achieve what he wanted. Now it had turned against him. Light slammed his fist into the wall in frustration. His eyes stung threateningly and a lump had formed in his throat. It took all he had not to start sobbing uncontrollably. He was Light Yagami after all, even in his most pitiful moments he would _not_ cry that easily.

After a few moments, he noticed blood running down along the wall. He traced the thin stream of blood with his gaze, back up to his own fist, still clenched against the tile wall. He opened his hand slowly, only to find a deep cut in his palm. He looked around in an attempt to find what could have caused it. He saw the razor blade lying innocently in a pool of blood; the same one he had picked up the night before. He assumed he had accidently cut himself when he tried to steady himself earlier.

Light looked down at his hands and snorted. He had matching cuts in each of his hand, and for some reason he couldn't help but find it tragically comical.

 _I now have the most torturous voice laughing inside my own head, and my palms have matching wounds._ At that thought, the voice went quiet for just a second before it burst out laughing again. Clearly, it found Light's misery immensely amusing.

Light grabbed the razor and lifted it to his eyes, as if to study it. He knew it was too dull to shave off hairs effectively, but it was more than sharp enough to hurt him. He held his left arm up, clenched his left fist in an attempt to brace himself, and then he slashed the underside of his arm. He cut deep, making the water turn red.

The pain wiped his mind clear of not only that excruciating cackle, but also any and every thought that had been swirling around in there earlier. There was no plot to kill L. there was no feeling of guilt or despair. There was no past or future. The only thing that existed in that moment was his pain.

An intense wave of dizziness washed over him as he stood leaned against the wall. He distantly turned off the water before he sank to the floor, unconscious.

-x-

 _*knock, knock, knock*_

Light awoke to the sound of someone knocking on the door; he was half lying, half sitting on the floor in the shower. His arm was throbbing painfully and a little blood still trickled from the open wound. At first, his thoughts were a complete mess, and he couldn't remember anything, then it all came back to him. He shivered as he remembered what had happened. What he had done. It was disgusting. _He_ was disgusting. An abomination.

Light supressed the sobs that were forcing their way up his throat. He couldn't allow the person standing on the other side of the door to hear him cry. He had to keep up his act. The only thing that mattered was that no one could know what he had done. No one could know how far he had fallen. If they knew, they would come to the only conclusion that made sense. They would understand _why_ he was falling to pieces. They had to. There wasn't any other reaction to it. Light was practically glowing of Kira-ness already, it would just be the icing on the cake.

"Light-kun? Are you feeling all right? You have been in there for quite a while now, it's 11 pm already. You never turned up for work after your running session." L said in his normal monotone voice. Light took a deep calming breath, willing his voice to sound normal. There was no way he could let L find out. Even if L was the three best detectives in the world, and the only person Light had ever met who could keep up with him, L couldn't possibly _begin_ to understand the utter agony Light was in. He was being tormented by his own mind, and the moment L found out he wouldn't help or comfort him. He put him behind bars. Just as he had promised to do from day one of the investigation. He would be ruthless, not caring about Light's well-being, relishing his suffering even, just as he relished his favourite desserts.

"I'm sorry Ryuuzaki, I slipped on the wet floor and fainted, but I didn't get hurt, I just have a small swelling on my head; nothing serious." Light said, attempting to sound convincing. L was silent for a few moments. Light assumed he was contemplating what he had just told him, considering whether it was the truth or not.

"I have a medical degree; I could look at your head just to be certain that there is no serious damage, or a concussion." L said finally. At first Light thought he heard a hint of worry in the normally so stoic voice, then he remembered that there was no way L was worried about him. Then again if Light died the Kira-case would die with him. There would be no true way for L to win. Light toyed with the thought of taking his own life for a second, if only just to spite L, before he shook his head clear of his temporary insanity. There was no way he could kill himself. He had gotten too far to just give up.

"No thanks, I'm fine." Light said. He knew it was what _everyone_ said when they were anything _but_ fine, however he couldn't think of any better reassurances at that moment.

"Light-kun, if you are unwilling to let me examine you then I must insist that you allow me to stay with you, at least through the night, to make sure that you are ok." L said.

Light sighed. He knew he wouldn't be able to change L's mind; he seemed intent on keeping Light alive. Perhaps the thought of Light dying, and the resulting inability to solve the Kira-case, had crossed his mind as well?

"So it will be just like before we removed the handcuffs, except this time you know I'm…" Light trailed off. For some reason the thought of calling himself "innocent" didn't sit well with him. Perhaps it was because he had just killed the last innocent part of himself. He felt dirty and defiled. Guilty of the most disgusting acts he could imagine. He was hit by a wave of nausea. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly through his nose, forcing his stomach to settle.

"Yes, yes, Light-kun. I am aware of the glaring proof that you are innocent. I have already apologized for my accusations." L said _almost_ sounding annoyed, clearly he didn't believe the "proof" was good enough. Light winched, as if beaten, at L's words. He didn't want to hear it. After being handcuffed to L for such a long time, trying to convince him of his innocence day after day, he didn't want to be called innocent anymore. It just wasn't right.

"I am just going to dress, then I will go to bed, feel free to loiter around the apartment as you see fit, I don't have much of a say regarding your actions anyway. You always do whatever you feel is right." Light said with a hollow laugh. For some reason he had thought it was a good idea to attempt making a joke at that moment. It was obvious from L's reply that it didn't sit well with the raven.

"I do whatever _is_ right, Light-kun, my own feelings set aside. Do not mistake those two." L said, and then he shuffled away. As soon as Light was on his own again the pain returned. Not the physical pain, from the wound in his arm, but the pain his conflicting thoughts were causing. It felt as if his mind was playing tug-of-war with itself, and it hurt. It was tearing him apart from the inside, slowly driving him mad, and it hurt like nothing else.

Light lifted himself from the floor of the shower, and everything began swaying, or was it him? His vision became blurry again, and he clenched his eyes shut, focusing on staying conscious. After a short while, the dizziness went away and his vision cleared.

He walked slowly over to the sink and looked at his reflection. He was deathly pale and looked about ten years older than the day before. He let his gaze fall to his arm; it had stopped bleeding completely. He opened the cabinet under the sink and pulled out the first-aid kit they had stored there. He cleansed and dressed his wound properly. He was still swaying a little from dizziness, but he managed to keep standing as he tended to his arm. When he was done, he pulled on the clothes he had prepared before the shower and combed his hair, just as he always did. He did all this on auto-pilot, because he didn't want to think about anything. He tried to focus on keeping his mind blank. It was one of the drawbacks of being a genius, just like L, he was never able to truly think of nothing…

When he was done getting dressed, he just stood there, staring into the mirror. He still looked pale, but he didn't sway anymore. He stared into the golden eyes that everyone admired. Suddenly his eyes widened considerably; his eyes weren't golden brown anymore, they had turned a deep shade of red, just like blood. He stared. His reflections' mouth twisted upwards into a cruel smile.

 _Murderer._ It mouthed at him, and then it started laughing soundlessly. Light staggered backwards, and the reflection did the same, looking just like him again.

Light hurried out of the bathroom, not daring to be in the presence of the mirror anymore. He walked as fast as he could, without fainting, to the bedroom.

L sat on the bed with his laptop in his lap, for once sitting like a normal person. Maybe a little too much hunched forward to be comfortable for anyone but him, but still far from his normal posture. Light scrunched his nose at the thought of sleeping right next to L as L worked on the laptop. The sound of the keyboard would definitely keep him awake.

L looked up from his work, and immediately he tensed. Light knew why he reacted as he did; he had never looked that haunted and weak, not even when he had been imprisoned for more than a month. L probably feared that he would fall over and die any moment. Light tried to brush off L's sudden alertness by smiling. His smile, however, turned out more as a pained grimace.

"Light-kun, you are definitely not feeling all right. You look terrible." L said. His large owl-like eyes directed unwaveringly upon Light. Light suddenly felt like a deer caught in the headlights of a speeding car. He was nearly certain of his incoming doom. L was definitely going to come up with some stupid idea that Light would be completely opposed to.

"I told you I just have a small swelling in my head. If I get some sleep I will be... completely…" _fine…_ Light never finished the sentence as everything went black once again.

L's eyes widened as he watched Light fall to the floor. He got up from where he was sitting and walked hurriedly over to where Light was laying on the floor. He picked up Light bridal style and carried him over to the bed, where he put him down. He decided that, despite Light's dismissal, he would check the brunette's head wound to see how serious it was, and if it would require further attention. It had to be more serious than Light had let on, for the him to suddenly faint like that. L slowly and gently caressed Light's head with his palms, feeling for the lump Light had told him about. After a few seconds, he found a distinct swelling on the brunette's forehead. He brushed away Light's bangs to get a closer look at the injury. The swollen area was angry red and a bit too warm. L bit his thumb in contemplation, wondering if he should send Light to a hospital or not. In the end, however, he decided to go with his original plan, and just keep an eye on him throughout the night. As L sat there, on the bed next to Light's unconscious form, a thin red line caught his eyes. He picked up Lights left hand and studied his palm; there was a cut, made by something very sharp there.

L studied the wound for a long time. As he tried to figure out how Light had acquired the wound, all sorts of thoughts and ideas stormed through his mind.

 _Has Light done this on purpose? He wouldn't hurt himself. He has no reason to. Did he hurt himself yesterday, when we caught Higuchi? Why hasn't he wrapped it up yet then? Does this tiny annoying little wound mean anything? Is it important or not? Perhaps it is just a papercut? But would Light do something as clumsy as that? No, the wound is far too deep anyway…_ He dismissed one idea after the other; none of it matched the Light he knew. In the end, he was left with only one question.

 _How did this happen and what does it signify?_

"Ryuuzaki?" The sound of Light's hoarse voice snapped L out of his musings. He moved a little bit back, to give the brunette some more space. He assumed it would feel rather intense to wake up only to find that you were twenty centimetres away from another person, no matter who that person was. Perhaps even more so since L was, well, who he was.

"Yes Light, you fainted, so I carried you to bed. You have to sleep, you probably suffer from a concussion, so I will wake you up every few hours to make sure you are still alive." L said matter-of-factly, earning a weak glare from the brunette. Light opened his mouth, probably to argue with L, but seemed to think better of whatever he had to say, because he closed his mouth again. Both of them stayed completely still for a few moments, before Light opened his mouth to speak again.

"I would advice against arguing, Light-kun." L said firmly, leaving no room for discussion. Light sighed and nodded.

"Do you have a pair of pyjamas I can borrow?" He asked instead.

"No, but you can borrow one of my cotton sweaters at least, they are just as comfortable." L said. He was wondering why Light wanted to borrow pyjamas. Normally he slept in nothing but his boxers and he knew from the time he had had surveillance cameras in Lights house, that the brunette slept completely naked when he was alone.

"I am cold." Light offered as explanation. He seemed to have noticed L's scrutinising look. L raised his hands in defeat, showing that he did not intend to question Light about his choice of sleep attire. That would be too weird, even for L.

L got up from the bed and shuffled over to his closet. He found a clean cotton sweater and tossed it carelessly at Light.

"Here." He said curtly. Light opened his mouth to give a snide remark in return, but L cut him off once again by flipping open his phone and dialling what had to be Watari's number.

"Can you bring my laptop, a cake, a glass of water and a bucket to mine and Light's apartment?" L said. Even though it sounded like a question. Light knew it was an order, and that Watari would be there within minutes with the items L had requested.

"No, I'm not sick, I suspect Light-kun has a concussion. I will watch over him tonight." L said monotonously.

"Thank you." He finished the phone call curtly and put his phone away.

"Do I even get a say in this?" Light asked exasperatedly.

"I am afraid not Light-kun. I will give you some privacy to change your attire. I will return when Watari has arrived with the items I requested." L said before he walked out of the room.

The moment L left the room Light realised how _silent_ it was without the detective there. At least until that horrible voice returned. When L had been there, the insane cackling in his mind had been silent. He assumed it was because he had been distracted by the detective's presence, but silence was silence nonetheless. He'd take L's company any day over the sick voice inside his own head.

Light shook his head and changed into the cotton sweater hurriedly. Instead of staying in the bed while waiting for L to return on his own, he decided to go look for him. He got slowly out of bed, making sure he wasn't going to faint from a sudden fall in blood pressure. He knew it could happen when one stood up to fast, especially if one was feeling exhausted or had a resting pulse. When he was certain he wasn't going to have another intimate meeting with the floor he walked slowly to the door, poking his head into the living room to see if L was there.

L, who was pushing a trolley with a cake, laptop, two glasses, and a mug of water with ice cubes in it while carrying a bucket in his hand, was already on his way back to the bedroom.

"You should be in bed Light-kun." L said. Light didn't know why he had expected the other man to sound exasperated or chiding or something along those lines, but he didn't. He spoke in his usual monotone, just as he always did.

"I am thirsty. I wanted to see if you had gotten the water yet." Light lied, and smiled weakly. He wondered why it suddenly was so easy to lie to L again. Perhaps it was because it was such a small thing that it didn't make much of a difference anyhow?

 _But it_ _did,_ Light realised. If L found out that what he'd just said was a lie then it _would_ make a difference, because that would mean that Light actually _wanted_ to see L. And although he didn't have any particular need to see the detective a few seconds earlier than he would have otherwise, things could potentially cascade out of control if L thought that he had. L may even jump to the conclusion that Light actually _cared_ about him, which was absolutely ridiculous, and something he with certainty would attempt to use against him. He had just wanted L to hurry up, and wanted to see if he was back yet.

"I see." L said noncommittally. Light frowned. Even though his lie had been presented in a believable way given his present state he was unable to tell if L believed him or not. The raven seemed sceptical at best.

Light went back to the bed and lay down with a heavy sigh, only to remember that he had just said he was thirsty. He sat up slowly and waited for L to give him the water.

"Here you go, Light-kun. Drink slowly, and as much as you can." L said while offering Light a glass of water. When Light took the glass from him, L grabbed the bucket and walked out of the bedroom. He returned thirty seconds later with a bit of water in the bucket. He then placed it on the floor next to the bed. Light was actually rather amazed by the fact that L was caring for him on his own, instead of just ordering Watari to look after him. That was what he would have expected L to do under normal circumstances. The circumstances, however, weren't really normal at all, and perhaps L thought he himself was more capable of caring for Light while also trying to catch any slip-up from the brunette which would incriminate him further. It was possible.

Light rubbed his temples and lay down again. He was too exhausted to think about it.

"I will wake you in two to three hours Light-kun. Until then, sleep well." L said. He had already sat down on the other side of the bed with his laptop in his lap. Light felt slightly apprehensive, imagining how impossible it would be for him to sleep while L typed franticly away at his laptop as he usually did, however the thought barely had time to cross his mind before he drifted into a restless sleep.

 **-x-**

 **So yeah. There you have it. I hope you like it! And thank you to everyone who bothered to tell me their opinion on the first chapter, receiving such positive feedback reassures me that my writing is appreciated and wanted, and keeps me motivated to write more for you guys. c:**


	3. Ch 3: Taunting Demons of the Night

**Happy 17** **th** **of May! Or "Gratulere med dagen!" as we say in Norway. For those who do not know today is Norway's Constitution Day. It is celebrated with flags and parades with marching bands and ice cream and hot dogs and it is great!**

 **Also, I got an A on my German test! Whaaat?! I am so happy! Now the next thing up is my written exam in math, I am spending most of my free time practicing; therefore, I almost forgot to Edit and post this chapter, Woops. I even put a little math into the chapter just because it felt fitting.**

 **So this chapter is slightly longer than I planned to make it, but hey, who's complaining, right? I hope you enjoy!**

 **Word count: 5622**

 **Chapter 3: Taunting Demons of the Night**

L looked at Light in a contemplating way for a long moment before he made his decision. He had already woken Light from his sleep two times, and both times the brunette had been dizzy and disoriented. He hadn't thrown up yet, but judging from the deep look of deep concentration Light had worn the first time he had been woken up, he had just barely been able to keep the contents of his stomach down. L didn't want to wake Light up again, because he finally seemed to be sleeping dreamlessly, in contrast to the feverish nightmares he had seemed to be having up until that point, but because Light had been so unfocused the two first times, he knew it was better to wake him up at least once more.

L reached out and shook the brunette carefully.

"Light-kun. Please wake up." He said in a low voice, so he wouldn't startle Light. It took several moments before Light stirred.

"I am Light Yagami, I am not fully conscious because I was just brutally pulled out of my sleep and neither my body nor my brain has caught on to that yet, and both want nothing more than to go back to being unconscious." Light muttered.

"Light kun, that is not good enough, you have to sit up and answer my questions." L said matter-of-factly. He almost felt bad for having to wake up Light while he was sleeping; he knew it was necessary though.

 _A concussion on its own isn't anything to worry about; it's classified as the mildest form of head trauma. After a concussion however, that is when one should start worrying. No matter how mild or severe a concussion is there is a varying risk of secondary-impact syndrome. The rapid swelling of the brain when a person suffers from secondary-impact syndrome is very often fatal if not treated immediately after symptoms have started occurring. I never learned why it is so fatal… perhaps the brain's arterioles lose their ability to regulate their diameter as a result of the increased pressure inside the skull when the brain swells? As a result, they could potentially lose control over cerebral blood flow, causing excessive accumulation of fluids in the brain… I will have to look into that whenever I have time…_ L thought to himself.

"Or you can go jump of a building." Light retaliated sourly, bringing L out of his musings. L almost rolled his eyes. Light also knew fully well why he had to be woken up. If his brain swelled too much, Light would become extremely disoriented and dizzy, and would without a doubt start throwing up. That was when L would have to take him to a hospital. If L didn't wake Light up it was possible that he would simply die quietly in his sleep.

"Light-kun, you know why I am doing this." L said patiently, hoping the brunette would resign and just do as he was told. It was normally rather entertaining to argue with Light, but that was when he was coherent enough to actually form intellectual retorts instead of simple death threats.

"Yes and I think it is unnecessary." Light muttered, but he did as L said and sat up in the bed. He seemed ready to throw up at any moment, but after a few seconds, he relaxed and looked slightly more comfortable.

"What is the square root of one hundred and sixty nine?" L asked. His question earned him a spiteful glare from Light.

"Thirteen." Light said with a sigh after a moment. Normally he wouldn't have hesitated that long to answer, but his answer was still faster than the previous two times L had asked him similar questions. L decided to make the question a bit harder, just to make sure Light was ok, or at least as ok he could be with a concussion.

"Well then, how do you factorize: four x squared minus sixteen x plus sixteen?" L asked, wondering briefly how long it would take Light to figure it out.

If looks could kill L would be dead. Ten times over. The look Light was sending him was more than just hateful. It made it plain as day that at that very moment, Light wanted nothing more than to see L decapitated brutally for making him focus so hard in his current state. L didn't let himself be offended though, Light wasn't completely himself after all.

"What?" L asked innocently, knowing it would annoy the brunette.

"Four parenthesis x minus two parenthesis final squared" Light said instead. It would have been impressively fast if he hadn't wasted a lot of time glaring at L before he spoke. That way he had had quite a lot of time of think about it.

"I suppose that is good enough." L said, knowing that Light would become increasingly more difficult to deal with the longer he kept him awake. "Drink some more water before you go back to sleep."

"Don't tell me what to do." Light said sourly, and then he proceeded to do exactly as L had said. L couldn't help but smirk at that.

Light sent him a final glare before he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep again. Instead of going straight back to working on his laptop, L sat watching Light for a long while. Something about the brunette had seemed _off_ ever since they had gotten hold of Kira's murder weapon, the Death Note. He seemed distracted and indifferent towards the Kira case. It did not match the Light L had gotten to know through the investigation. Light had always been one step ahead of everyone, except, perhaps, L himself. They had constantly worked to be the first one to discover new leads, to put together two-and-two, and during this Light had even been able to keep up his flawless façade, at least in front of the rest of the taskforce. L would probably never admit it aloud, but he had been pretty impressed by Lights ability to convince everyone that he was the posterchild he wanted everyone to think he was while still managing to do so much work. L had sacrificed everything related to social interactions for as long as he could remember in favour of focusing all his attention on the task at hand. More than once had Watari had to force him to eat, shower or sleep. It was a wonder that the old man hadn't given up on him long ago.

" _No… Stop… Please…"_ Light muttered quietly.

L sighed; Light was having another nightmare.

He shuffled a little closer to Light, ready to wake him up if it became be necessary. He wouldn't want the brunette to hurt himself even more than he had already.

" _I didn't do it!"_ Light said pleadingly, his voice weak and trembling. He sounded so terrified, so desperate to convince whomever he was talking to in his dream that he hadn't done whatever he was being accused of. That was one part of Light L didn't understand; how intent he was to appear innocent, no, not just innocent; _perfect_ at any given time. If someone had accused L of something severe, like being Kira for instance, and the person who accused him had a reasonable foundation for his accusations he would simply acquiesce to whatever the other person wanted to do to him to investigate. If he was innocent then they would find out eventually, and justice would be served. To L, that was all that mattered. He would put up a fight if they attempted to pass judgement on to him without any solid proof, however; as any sane human being would. He had repeatedly told himself that Light's regular pleas of innocence meant that he was, in fact, guilty, yet there was _something,_ a feeling in his stomach, that told him that there was more to the Kira case than just that. The solution wasn't as simple as that, and that was part of what made the case so interesting to him.

When they found Higuchi he had thought he had all the clues he needed to solve the case, however it didn't take long for him to realise that the vastness of the mystery he was trying to solve was far greater than he could ever have imagined. L had already been certain that Misa was the second Kira and finding the Death Note had only confirmed it in his mind, at the same time he had expected to find proof that Light was the original Kira when they studied the object more closely. The Death Note was a physical object, and therefore easy to pass on to other people, which meant that everything he knew about the Kira case, and everything he suspected about Light _fit._

When he didn't find the proof he'd been expecting, and instead what appeared to be fairly solid proof that Light _couldn't_ be Kira, he'd been overtaken by a mixture of awe and what he suspected was depression. He suspected he'd be sitting around, moping all day if it wasn't for the sudden troubles with Light.

 _It just doesn't add up. Sure, someone may have framed Light, however Light fits into the profile of Kira just a little too well. Like a hand into a handmade leather glove. It is too much of a coincidence. Unless that's exactly what those who are framing Light want me to think? What am I missing?_

L was abruptly brought out of his musings by Light's flailing arms, which had missed him by an inch. The brunette's nightmares seemed to have taken a drastic turn for the worse, because it looked like he was in the middle of a tough fight with some invisible monster.

"Light-kun. You are having a nightmare." L said calmly, trying to grab hold of Light's wrist to stop him from banging his hand into the wall or topple the glass, which suddenly seemed to be standing dangerously close to the edge of the nightstand, over. L managed to subdue Light's reckless flailing by straddling the brunette's hips and trapping his hands above his head.

"Li-" L began, intending to wake Light up, however the sight of the sweater Light was wearing slowly being stained by something crimson made him go quiet.

 _What…?_

L stared in shock for a few moments before he managed to gather his thoughts enough to pull the sleeve down enough to see where the red came from. He slowly revealed a bandage wrapped around Light's arm. It was dripping with blood. Light's flailing had torn whatever wound he had underneath the bandage open.

L contemplated waking Light, however he seemed to have calmed down again, and he needed all the sleep he could get, especially if he was suffering from blood loss as well as a concussion. L also admitted that he was a bit curious about what kind of wound Light had on his arm. Therefore, instead of waking Light up, L began carefully unwrapping the bandage, and slowly a deep, swollen, and completely straight cut, that began beneath Light's wrist and ended right before the elbow, was revealed. It looked fresh and incredibly painful. L didn't need to be a genius to figure out how the wound had gotten there. He stared piteously at Light. This only confirmed that something had been eating away at the brunette, but L still had no idea what it could be. He never would have guessed that Light would be so bothered by something that he would turn a blade, neither literal nor metaphorical, towards himself.

 _What if Light had himself placed under my personal surveillance this second time on purpose as well?_ L thought with a frown, thinking back at the silly mistake Light had made two days ago.

 _Perhaps his life is in peril and it is stressing him to the point where he doesn't know what to do with himself? That still seems like a far-fetched thought, but it is worth considering... other than that I have virtually no idea on how to go about figuring this mystery out._

L chewed at his thumb, wondering what to do next. Should he confront Light or should he wrap up the wound, dress him in a clean sweater while hoping the brunette wouldn't wake up, and then try to figure out what was bothering Light without revealing that he knew about the self-inflicted wound?

Any normal person and good friend would probably choose to confront Light, L, however, decided that he would pretend not to know anything.

 _Given Lights personality, it is the option that is more likely to yield positive results within the nearest future. Even though Light may feel that I am invading his privacy, his health comes before his pride. If Light for some reason ends up dead, as a result of depression or carelessness for instance, there is a large chance that I won't be able to solve the Kira case. Ever._ L flinched at his own thoughts. Even he realised how heartless it sounded. He justified his own thoughts by telling himself that he _did_ care, even if just a little, about the brunette, and that he would be saddened to lose such an excellent conversation partner.

L stood from the bed, careful not to disturb Light. He went to the bathroom and fetched the first-aid kit. He then returned to the bedroom and began carefully cleaning up the wound and bandaging it with a new bandage. L had always had the impression that Light was a light sleeper, however the younger man didn't even stir once during the procedure; it was likely because he was too exhausted. L did, however, check Light's pulse a few times, just to be certain Light hadn't died in his sleep.

When he was pleased with the result, he cut the sweater off Light with a pair of fabric scissors – the blood wouldn't have come off in the wash anyway, and it was the easiest option. When Light was free of the rags that had been a sweater e few seconds earlier, L carefully pulled a clean, identical sweater over Lights head. It was positively nerve-racking to lift Light's arms and thread them through the stretchy piece of clothing, which suddenly seemed to be about three sizes smaller than it actually was.

L sat back with a relieved sigh when he was finally done. He stared down at Light as the brunette slept on. Had Light always looked that small and fragile…? The same question kept repeating itself repeatedly in L's head; _why?_

It didn't take much time before Light's nightmares returned again. He thrashed back and forth, and L could see the pain and confusion etched into the brunette's face every time he turned towards him. L actually felt bad watching Light be in so much pain, and wanted to do something to alleviate the other genius' burden, but he had no idea what he could do; He tried imagining himself in Light's situation, but he couldn't, he had never felt such extreme levels of pain, neither mentally nor physically. Never had he felt even the need to harm himself in any way. He couldn't even begin to imagine what the driving force behind Light's actions was.

L had grown up in an orphanage called "Whammy's Orphanage for exceptional children", he had been safe there. His future had been well planned, he had never had money problems, in fact, he was rich, and Watari had always taken very well care of L…

Most people who grew up in orphanages had some sort of depressing past, and L probably did too, however he couldn't remember it. His earliest memory was of him and Watari standing in front of the orphanage, looking at it. _"This will be your new home, L."_ Watari had said and smiled fondly at his younger self. Watari had always been like a dad to him; he had never needed his real parents. He had no recollection of ever even knowing them; therefore, he couldn't miss them either. He _had_ thought about what it would be like to know them, but it had never been more than that; a thought.

L sighed, and looked at the watch hanging on the wall next to the door; 08:00 am. The task force would be arriving soon.

 _Perhaps I should go downstairs and inform them that Light and I will not be joining them today…_ L thought.

He made to stand up when a hand closed around his wrist. He looked down and saw the other occupant on his bed holding his wrist. L was about to ask what it was when he noticed that Light was still sleeping, and to make it even worse; Light was shivering uncontrollably.

Light began muttering words in between his shallow breaths; _"Someone… please… help me… I need help… please save me… please… someone…"_ L looked down at the broken creature lying on the bed beside him. He looked strangely beautiful despite his despair. For the first time, L felt completely helpless. He actually wanted to help the brunette, yet he had no idea what to do, or if there even was anything that could be done, to help him. L hated feeling helpless. He was used to always having a plan and to always be prepared for anything. Nothing, however, could have prepared him for this. For Light to suddenly fall to pieces with no evident catalyst. L gave Light a final look before he wrenched his hand out of Lights grasp and hurried out of the room. He went straight to the main room and turned on one of the computers while he waited for the task force.

He knew he had to return to the room shortly, to take care of the younger man, but taking a short break from his baby sitting would probably be fine.

-x-

Light woke up to an empty room. The first thing he noticed when he sat up was that he had a raging headache, which instantly made his mood sour. The second thing he noticed was the absence of his self-proclaimed nurse and caretaker. He had expected L to be there when he woke up, but the detective was nowhere in sight.

Light stood up from the bed slowly and walked into the living room. L wasn't there either.

 _Did he leave me alone on purpose…? Just like that…?_ Light wondered. He wasn't overly fond of the thought of being watched over by the detective as he slept, but it was slightly unsettling that L had simply disappeared after insisting that Light needed to be taken care of.

Light dressed in the same clothes he had used last night; he had after all only been wearing them from the shower to the bedroom, so they were more or less completely clean. After dressing he went to the bathroom, there he combed his hair and brushed his teeth. When he had finished his morning routine, he stopped in front of the mirror and looked at it in wonder. He hadn't realized until then that everything was silent. Even in his own head, there was nothing but silence. It made Light feel a lot calmer; perhaps he would be ok after all. The last few days _had_ been extremely strenuous after all. Light walked towards the small kitchen to make himself breakfast.

Never having had a very good appetite in the morning he made his usual breakfast: cereal. He decided to add a little extra sugar that morning since he hadn't slept too well, especially considering the fact that he had been woken up every two to three hours and then been forced to do math without pen and paper, and therefore, was in need of a little extra energy.

When Light had finished his breakfast, he walked down to the main room and found L deeply concentrated in his work. He looked at L for a long moment. The detective was tapping furiously at the keyboard. The rest of the task force hadn't arrived yet. Light glanced at the fancy-looking analogue clock hanging on the wall. The rest of the team wouldn't arrive before half past eight; there was still about ten minutes left until they would be there.

Light sat down and began working on the case, knowing fully well that no matter what he did he wouldn't get anywhere unless he turned himself in, and that was out of the question. He didn't know what he would hate the most; L sending him to rot alone in prison, or giving him the death sentence.

"Light-kun, you are supposed to be in bed." L said. He seemed to have suddenly realised that he wasn't alone anymore. Light wasn't certain how he should answer, so he decided on stalling by stating the obvious.

"Well, clearly I am not." He said, looking down at himself for emphasis.

"Yes, I can see that. But you aren't well enough to leave bed yet." L said slowly, in a way that made Light feel as if L thought he was stupid.

"I feel just fine." Light said. He crossed his arms tightly across his chest and sent L a challenging look.

The two stared at each other for a few moments before L turned back to his computer.

"You will take breaks every hour, during those breaks you will eat and drink, and if you feel even a little bit unwell or exhausted you will go back to bed." L said monotonously.

"You can't decide-" Light began to argue, but was cut short by L's next words.

"I can and I will decide who does what while they are inside of this building, if you disagree you may leave." He said, and although he wasn't yelling his voice was far louder than it normally was.

Light went quiet for a moment, taken aback by L's sudden outburst. He opened his mouth to say something, however at that moment the rest of the task force arrived. He sighed and turned back to his computer. This would be a long day.

The team worked in silence for hours, and when they had to communicate with each other, they did so in quiet whispers. It seemed even Matsuda was able to sense the tense atmosphere.

"Light-kun how are you feeling?" L said sometime past twelve, gaining the attention of the entire task force. Light's absence the day before had not gone unnoticed by anyone, and they were eager to find out what had kept the young prodigy from turning up for work. Light stiffened in his seat, not daring to look at L. L was forcing him to explain why he hadn't shown up yesterday. If he said he fell and hit his head, everyone would agree that he should be in bed.

"I'm fine." Light said noncommittally. He could practically feel everyone staring at his back.

"Then why were you absent yesterday?" L asked. Light knew he was looking at him, but he refused to turn around. Instead, he continued working on his computer.

"I wasn't feeling too well, so I took the day off." Light said tensely.

"So you are feeling better today then?" L asked.

"Yes, I am; thank you for your concern."

"What kind of unwell were you? For you to take a day off it would have to have been rather severe." L pressed, not allowing Light to wiggle away from having to answer the question. Light considered his options.

 _If I tell them I had a cold they will know it's a lie, because a cold doesn't just last one day; my nose would be stuffy or runny today as well. A stomach bug wouldn't pass this easily either… If I tell them I had a headache they will think it is a bad reason to stay away from work; I could've just taken some painkillers or even ignored the pain, and that would have solved the problem. Besides, I have a headache today, and I am working, thus proving my own point… What do I tell them…?_ Light finally sighed in defeat.

"I was unconscious, because I hit my head, and quite possibly earned myself a concussion." He said.

"Are you ok?!" Matsuda suddenly exclaimed, making Light flinch from the loud noise.

"Light, have you been to the hospital yet?" Soichiro asked, his concern was evident in is voice.

"No dad, I didn't think it was necessary, I had an alarm on every two hours." Light lied. The task force wasn't supposed to know that he was sharing the apartment with L again. If they knew they would definitely been opposed to it, and L would probably find some excuse to arrest him on suspicion of being Kira, just to keep him from being able to move freely on his own without any supervision. During the investigation Light had learned that that was the kind of obsessive behaviour you could expect from the detective. Light would rather let the others think he was cleared of suspicion than having to go through prison all over again. It was tempting to tell them though, but it would be more trouble than it was worth to see L lie his way out of that situation.

"Are you absolutely certain, son? You know your health is more important than work." Soichiro said. He'd walked over to where Light was sitting, and was resting his hand on his son's shoulder in what he assumed was supposed to be a reassuring way. Light felt even tenser being so close to his father, afraid that he would see through his lies more easily when he was that close. He knew it was an irrational thought, but in his current state, he was unable to control his nerves.

"Yes dad. I am feeling much better today. I am careful to take lots of breaks and drink enough." Light said tensely, hoping his voice didn't betray anything to his father. He glanced over his shoulder to get a look at his father's expression. Soichiro was frowning thoughtfully, clearly not entirely convinced. Light cursed L quietly for bringing up the subject. He could imagine the satisfied smirk L was currently hiding from everyone by chewing on his thumb.

"If you are certain you are fine then I will not deny you to work, which you seem so intent on doing. I do insist that you retreat back to your room if you feel worse though." L said, earning a brisk nod in agreement from Soichiro.

"Of course." Light said with a cloy smile, doing his utmost to keep his voice free of sarcasm. He didn't quite succeed.

"Good." L said, returning to his work.

-x-

Later that night Light found himself studying the mirror in his and L's bathroom. He looked steadily into his own eyes, mentally daring them to change to the blood red colour. His eyes however stubbornly stayed the golden brown colour he had been born with.

 _Heh, did I really expect anything else? I was clearly hallucinating…_ Light though with a scoff.

He stayed still in front of the mirror for a long time. His thoughts soon wandered to L. How was he supposed to beat him? The complicated and at the same time simple creature that lived behind his computers, who most likely never had and never would open himself up to anyone. It was apparent merely by looking at him that he had starved himself from human interaction, save for, perhaps, Watari's company, his entire life. He had probably never shown his true identity to anyone before he revealed himself to the Kira investigation taskforce.

There was a part of Light that wanted to know everything there was to know about L, the greatest detective in the world. He wanted to be the only one who could say that he knew everything about the stoic man. As Light pondered this, he began to wonder, why? Why did he crave to know so much about the detective? The raven had already made it obvious that he wanted to expose Light as Kira no matter what, despite the glaring proof that he _couldn't_ be Kira – at least the fake rules served as proof to the rest of the taskforce, L seemed less ready to accept them as real. This left the question; why on earth did Light have such a self-destructive desire as wanting to become _closer_ to the detective? It would do nothing but bane the path to his own downfall. Why did he crave to know more about L? To _understand_ how he worked? Know what made him tick?

Almost as soon as Light asked himself these questions the answer became apparent to him, as If there had never been any doubt; it was all because of L's mind. That deep and complicated maze of thoughts, which no one had explored yet, except the detective himself.

Never in his life had Light ever met anyone equal to himself, and now he had found someone who might even be above him. It both scared and thrilled Light to have someone to compete on equal terms with.

Light began thinking about his plans for the nearest future, if things went according to plan L would die very soon. The thought severely unsettled Light. His chest tightened, just like it had done the last time he pondered on the subject.

 _Do I really want L to die so soon? Do I want to lose my only form of competition?_ Light thought.

 _You are so weak…_ The voice in the back of his head suddenly said. Light could see his own eyes widen in panic in the mirror, and feel his heartbeat quicken. Throughout the day he had dared to hope, even convinced himself, that the voice had simply disappeared.

 _You think too much. You_ care _too much. Isn't it about time to let go?_ The voice said.

Light felt some of the feeling of despair he had felt yesterday return. He walked in circles on the bathroom floor, clutching his head; he didn't want to give in to the despair of not being in control of his own mind. He didn't want to go insane and lose his mind.

As Light wandered around in the small bathroom a sudden thought hit him.

 _What if I actually_ care _about L? what if that is the reason I am reluctant to lose him…?_

 _Hahahahhahahaha!_ The voice in his head began laughing maniacally. Light walked a bit faster, trying to shut the voice out, until he came to an abrupt halt in front of the mirror. The Light in the mirror was standing with his hands folded across his stomach and his head thrown back in laughter. He stopped laughing for a second, the sound still echoing through Light's head, and smiled gleefully at Light, his eyes glinting red. Light stared shocked into his reflection, and his reflection stared back, laughing at Lights expression.

" _You are too weak. You need to let it all go."_ The mirror-Light mouthed. He lifted both of his hands, and began stretching out of the mirror towards Light. Shocked Light jumped back, and so did the reflection, once again looking like Light, exactly as it had done the day before. The laughing in his head had even gone quiet.

This time Light moved slowly closer to the mirror, and looked carefully at it, trying to figure out what he just had seen, but he couldn't think of any good explanations, so he slowly retreated from the bathroom and went to the bedroom, where L already sat on the bed working on his laptop, just like last night.

When Light entered, L looked up from his work. He stared at Light, contemplating the brunette.

"Light-kun, what do you see me as?" He asked suddenly.

Light looked puzzled at this.

"What do you mean, Ryuuzaki?"

"Do you see me as L the detective, or Ryuuzaki your friend, or something entirely different?"

"Oh, um, you are my friend right?" Light said, not sure if L was testing him or just curious. He didn't want L to be testing him. He wanted L to think of him as a friend, just like he had realised that he considered L a friend. His only friend. The only person he actually cared about...

"I see, I also see you as my friend. Friends engage in different activities together, to entertain themselves, and deepen their bond of friendship, am I correct?" L said, tilting his head quizzically to emphasize the question.

"Yes they do…" Light said, already then seeing where the situation was heading.

"Then would you like to play a game of chess with me before you go to bed tonight, Light-kun?"

 _I knew it… this has to be another attempt at making me lower my guard._ "I'm really sorry Ryuuzaki, but I don't feel up to it, I would like to sleep now, maybe we can play tomorrow or something." Light said dismissively before he went to bed. How could he possibly play a friendly game of chess with L, who saw him as nothing more than a suspect. L didn't care about him in the slightest.

"If you say so Light-kun, I will ask you again another time." L said, refocusing on his laptop as Light began to undress. The brunette made sure to have his wounded arm out of sight when he took off his shirt and pulled on the cotton sweater L let him use when he slept.

When he was done changing he laid down on the bed and closed his eyes without another word to the detective.

 **-x-**

 **So. Light is clearly spiralling. He travels further down the path of insanity as he realises that he cares about L, and the idea that L don't care about him is driven home by a completely innocent question. Is he paranoid or is L actually that cold?**

 **Thank you all for reading! Feel free to tell me what you think about the story so far; I am open for inputs and ideas!**


	4. Ch 4: Overcome by Fear and Hate

**I won't get my grade on my math exam for quite some time, unfortunately, but I felt as if it went really well, so we'll see how it goes. I'll tell you what I get once I get my grade, just in case anyone is curious.**

 **Also, before I made the final adjustments to this chapter the word count was 5432. I almost regret the final editing… oh well. For those who have noticed that the word count I have at the top of each chapter doesn't match the word count in the mail you get whenever I update (if you are following the story of course), It is because the word count I write myself doesn't include the author notes. This is so that I won't cheat and write really long author notes to reach my preferred word count per chapter (4000-5000), and in case you want to know. And as you can clearly see; this is another long chapter.**

 **Anyhow, hope you enjoy!**

 **Word count: 5538**

 **Chapter 4: Overcome by Fear and Hate**

L stared emptily at the ceiling of the bedroom he shared with Light. It had been over a week since he had gotten any real sleep, except from the occasional – involuntary - powernap; therefore, he had decided that it was time for him to sleep. As usual, he had struggled for hours and with no luck thus far. He didn't really like sleeping, so he tried to keep it to a bare minimum, but sleeping was still a primary need for every human being, and therefore he often fell asleep for short periods of time against his will. One time he had awoken in one of the hotels they had previously used as a temporary headquarter with a blanket wrapped around himself. He wasn't sure who had put the blanket around him, but he assumed it was Watari. The rest of the task force hadn't seemed to like him very much at that time, although they had grown to like him quite a lot during their time working together for some strange reason. Or at least that's what it seemed like to L. He knew he wasn't the best to judge.

L let his thoughts wander freely, away from the case and the task force. His thoughts didn't move far away before they settled on contemplating Light. He found his newfound knowledge about the brunette very unsettling, it just didn't fit the Light he knew, no matter how long he contemplated it. He was obviously missing something important, and it annoyed him. Even though L had decided not to confront Light about it, he had no idea of what he was supposed to do.

 _How am I supposed to treat Light now?_ L thought. He remembered how he had spoken to Light earlier that day in the main room when just the two of them had been there.

" _I can and I will decide who does what while they are inside of this building, if you disagree you may leave."_

He almost cringed at the memory.

 _It is not common for me to lose my composure like that. I wasn't strict with Light to test him, I only wanted to alleviate as much strain and pressure from him as possible. I wanted to ascertain that Light is going to recover as quickly as possible, and preferably remain healthy after that._

L realised that he was actually mentally defending his own actions towards Light, which was far more than he could remember having ever done for anyone else. After he analysed the conversation and his reasoning for behaving as he had done, repeatedly in his head, trying to figure out why he was justifying how he'd treated his main suspect, he finally had to resign to the fact that he actually cared about Light, and not only as a valuable conversation partner, but as an actual _friend_. That had to be what his feelings towards the brunette amounted to, no one paid that much attention to a mere acquaintance.

O _ne hundred and fifty seven days ago, on May 27_ _th_ _, I told Light that I see him as my first and only friend ever. I didn't think much of it back then, mostly meaning to throw him off his game, but perhaps there was more truth to it than I wanted to admit to myself back then…_

After having admitted this to himself, he also allowed himself to feel relieved at how much the brunette's health seemed to have improved throughout the day. It was strange for L to experience all these new emotions, which he previously thought himself incapable of.

 _"I see, I also see you as my friend. Friends engage in different activities together, to entertain themselves, and deepen their bond of friendship, am I correct?"_

" _Yes they do…"_

 _"Then would you like to play a game of chess with me before you go to bed tonight, Light-kun?"_

L remembered his weak attempt at engaging in a social activity with Light before Light had gone to bed. It had been an attempt at redeeming his bossy attitude earlier that day, and maybe even get a clue as to what was bothering Light, however, Light's prompt refusal made it clear that he was not interested.

 _Of course, it wasn't necessarily because he wants nothing to do with me, it could also be because he was exhausted._ L thought. He had finally found himself someone whom he could call his friend, and the thought of being rejected didn't sit well with him.

"No! Please!" Light suddenly yelled from beside L. L sighed and sat up in the bed. He looked pityingly at the brunette; he was having nightmares. _Again._

 _What in the world can possibly be plaguing his mind so unrelentingly?_ L thought as he watched Light. He wondered if there was anything he could do to help the younger man, but even if there was he would probably not know how. He tried to imagine what he would find soothing if he was scared or in pain.

 _Should I sing for him…? Or tell him a story to distract him…?_

It didn't take L long to realise that he wasn't going to be able to find that answer on his own; he couldn't remember ever being soothed by another human being.

L silently walked out of the room to avoid waking Light up, and closed the bedroom door behind himself. He stood still, contemplating his phone for a moment before he braced himself and called Watari.

" _Yes?"_ Came the old man's voice from the other end of the line.

"Watari. I was wondering what someone like me would find soothing while experiencing pain or sadness." L asked. His stoic voice hid the fact that he was feeling completely out of place.

" _Pardon?"_ Watari said, clearly confused. L stood silent for a few moments before he spoke again.

"You heard me Watari." He said. He understood the old man's reaction very well; he was definitely acting out of character.

" _Ah. Well. When you were a small child, not long after I took you in, you fell ill. Your temperature was very high, and you were rather dazed, so you probably don't remember this, but you cried a lot, and the only thing that calmed you down was to pat your head."_ Watari said after a short pause. L could almost _hear_ the old man smile.

"Pat… my head?" L asked, wanting Watari to confirm it once more. _Is that all? It seems so simple; so_ easy. _Even I can do that… unless there is a trick to it?_

" _Indeed. I would sit down and pat your head, and you would calm down at once."_ The old man said.

"I see. Thank you." L said.

" _This is a rather odd query L, why you are inquiring about this?"_ Watari asked before L had time to end the call.

"It is none of your concern, nor is it of great importance." L said curtly and hung up. He stood completely still for a few moments, processing what Watari had told him, and then he walked back into the bedroom with determination.

L sat down on the bed and stared hard at Light's sleeping form. Although L had decided he would do what he could to help Light, he soon realised that he did, in fact, not know exactly what patting someone's head entailed, and felt stupid for not having asked for details, maybe even a demonstration.

 _Am I supposed to rub my hand back and forth? How hard should I do it? And how fast? Would it mess up Light's hair? That could potentially make him very upset when he wakes up. Oh well, seeing Light fuss – although he'll never admit out loud that that is what he does – over his appearance is always amusing._

L reached tentatively out and pressed his palm gently against the top of Light's head. He sat like that for a few seconds, feeling the warmth radiate from the brunette's scalp, then he gently moved his hand towards the back of Light's head in a stiff and awkward motion. Considering the amount of time and the wide variety of hair products Light used on his hair, L was not surprised to find that Light's hair was as smooth as silk. He ran his fingers through his hair, enjoying the soft texture. He was fascinated by how the hair hadn't become tangled and knotty while Light had thrashed his head back and forth. L relaxed against the headboard and began to hum quietly. He couldn't quite remember where he had heard the melody before, but it didn't seem very important to him right then and there. Soon he became lost in his own soothing motions, completely forgetting the flow of time.

-x-

Light awoke with a groan, feeling absolutely horrible. His sleep had once again been plagued by nightmares. He couldn't quite remember what he had been dreaming about, but the horrible feeling of fear still seemed to linger in his body. It was making his fingertips feel numb and the muscles between his shoulders tense. His heart was beating at a normal pace but with far more intensity than it usually did, and therefore he could hear the sound of his blood rushing past his ears. His head felt cold, and it was almost as if his very skin was tightening around his skull. He forced himself to relax and winced as he realised how sore his muscles and joints felt.

 _I must have strained and tensed up a lot while I was sleeping to be this sore now…_ Light thought. He looked around the empty bedroom wondering where L was. He had expected L to grab any and every opportunity to observe Light, since his suspicions against the brunette were so strong, however said detective was nowhere in sight. Light shrugged and got up from the bed, intending to take another shower.

As Light stood on the bathroom floor, about to undress, he realised that he had been taking an excessive amount of showers since he had regained his memories of being Kira. He frowned at the thought. He didn't mind showering often, but changing his behavioural pattern wouldn't go unnoticed by L, and thus it would only serve to strengthen L's suspicions against him. He sighed and decided to just use a washcloth instead.

 _Hahahahaha. Caring so much about appearances…_ The voice mocked Light from his own mind. Light felt his pulse quicken and his throat constrict. He didn't understand why the voice instilled so much fear in him, and that in itself scared him even further. He couldn't stand not understanding something, let alone something about himself.

He gripped the edges of the sink to steady himself, and focused solely on taking slow steady breaths, and not on the insane cackling at the back of his mind. It was already becoming apparent to Light that as long as he was with others and kept himself busy it was easier to pretend the voice was not there, therefore he rushed through his morning routine and almost ran out of the room.

After his very unsatisfactory substitute to the shower he very much desired, Light walked down to the main room. He was concentrating hard to keep his composure while he walked through the empty halls, which he knew were littered with surveillance cameras.

As he entered the main room, his gaze was immediately drawn to the raven haired detective, who was scrolling through a series of documents Light hadn't seen before. He halted two meters behind L to look at his computer screen, hoping to recognise something that would tell him what the detective was looking through.

"Have we found any new information on the case while I slept?" Light asked, feeling slightly confused. Any and all activity should have stopped when Higuchi died; there wasn't supposed to be anything more to find. He had not told Misa to go dig up the Death Note in the forest because it would incriminate them both, and force L to run a more thorough investigation on them, especially Misa who was now moving around in the open. If L started investigating Misa, Rem would definitely intervene. _Is L trying to set me up? Is he falsifying documents?_

"These are not case-files belonging to this case Light-kun." L said, obviously having guessed why Light asked.

"Oh." Light said as he stepped a little closer to get a better look at the files. When he got closer he could easily tell that the documents were written in English. He could have smacked himself for his own stupidity; L only took notes in Japanese for the Kira-case.

"He or she hasn't slipped up yet." L murmured as a continuation of his answer to Light's question, turning his head ever so slightly to glance sideways at Light, an unreadable look on his face.

"Oh, well that is too bad, Ryuuzaki. Perhaps they became scared when we caught Higuchi and decided to keep a low profile for a while." Light said with a shrug.

"Yes. However their twisted sense of justice wouldn't allow them to sit silently for long. They will return to killing people soon." L said monotonously.

"Yes, that does indeed sound like Kira the way we are imagining him or her to be like… At least the first Kira." Light said. He knew L was testing him somehow, it was just hard for him to figure out what the raven wanted to achieve, therefore he decided to just go with the flow of the conversation. He had already experienced how dangerous that could be, but he didn't really have any other options.

"True. We already assumed the second Kira did whatever the first Kira wanted him or her to, given that they met at some point." L said, again looking at Light. The brunette felt as if he was being x-rayed by L's vision. He wanted to squirm away from that penetrating gaze or hide his face behind his hands, uncertain whether he was giving anything away with his facial expressions or not.

"Are you all right, Light-kun?" L asked after Light hadn't said anything during the last five minutes.

Light opened his mouth to answer on autopilot; however the words wouldn't leave his mouth. _No…_

"You don't have a fever again do you?" L asked with a frown. Light shook his head slightly and turned towards his computer.

 _He probably feels like I'm a liability, and his suspicions against me has to be shooting through the roof by now…_ Light thought, frustrated at his own inability to keep his act together for the duration of their conversation.

"Light-kun, I already told you that I consider you as a friend, and therefore I care about your well-being." L said, his voice carrying just the slightest hint of concern, which was far more emotion than he usually expressed in any situation.

 _Liar…_ Light thought immediately. He knew he was just a suspect to L, and that L was trying to get under his skin by pretending to care, and Light would not, _could_ not allow it. He couldn't afford to be caught. It would be the death of him.

"Light-kun?" L pressed, his voice now far softer than it usually was, giving off the impression of someone who truly cared about something.

 _He doesn't care._ Light desperately clung to this knowledge, because somehow, for some stupid reason he couldn't fathom, he actually wanted to confide in L, the greatest detective in the world. And he knew he hadn't reached that status by caring for people, especially not his suspects.

 _Hahhahaha. He talks so sweetly, yet he wants nothing more than to see you torn apart and put on display in front of the entire world. Hahaha. "See, here is Kira," He would say. "He stood no chance against me, L, the greatest detective in the world." Hahahah._ The voice in Light's head chimed in, pushing itself to the front of his mind, forcing Light to pay attention to its poisonous words. Light tried to ignore it, but was instead assaulted by flashing images of himself being tortured by L, who was grinning maliciously down at him. L was holding a knife, licking the blood of the shining blade with a laugh that made it clear he was enjoying himself immensely. He pushed the knife slowly into Light stomach, making him writhe and scream soundlessly at the intense pain.

 _L works with the government… he wouldn't…_ Light thought desperately, trying to ignore the flashing images.

 _Keep thinking that and you_ will _without a doubt end up worse for wear than you could imagine in your wildest dreams. Hahahaha._ The voice said gleefully and Light felt the panic well up in his body again. _He will cut you up into a thousand pieces and mail you a thousand different locations in the world. Perhaps some will eat you? Perhaps others will put whatever body-part they were sent on display in a museum of sorts? "This is a piece of the worst criminal who ever lived." They would write on a fancy golden plate._

 _No…_ "I think I'm going to be sick…" Light muttered before he ran to the closest bathroom and emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. He hadn't noticed that L followed him, and was startled as he felt a hand rub his back gently.

"It's ok. It's just me, I didn't intend to startle you." L said, almost sounding apologetic. Light frowned as he stood still in front of the toilet, waiting to see if he was done throwing up or not. L was behaving so un-L-like. _What is he trying to achieve? Would he really do all this to make me slip up again? Isn't this approach a bit ineffective against people like me? Unless he thinks I'm stupid…?_

"Here, toothbrush." L said, offering Light a toothbrush with toothpaste on, to allow the brunette to brush his teeth.

"Thanks…" Light muttered distractedly, taking the offered toothbrush from L without looking at him.

"Do you want anything? I could have Watari bring you anything you'd like." L asked.

"No thank you, I am fine. Must have eaten something bad or something." Light said and gave L a long searching look, trying to see through the stoic mask of an expression the detective always wore.

"Or-" L said pointedly, "-as you may have forgotten you still have a concussion, and concussions do tend to cause nausea. Either way, do not hesitate to ask if there is anything you need." He said turning to walk back towards the main room. "Let's get to work; the rest of the task force will be arriving in roughly ten minutes."

"Actually, you go ahead, I think I'll have a shower before I join you, I think I got some puke on myself." Light said before he hastily walked towards the elevator, not waiting for L's reaction.

-x-

L quietly watched Light's hasty retreat while chewing intently on his thumb. The thought of letting Light be alone unsupervised for too long was slightly unsettling to L, and that in itself was something L found _greatly_ unsettling. It was slowly becoming clear to him that his newly recognised emotions towards the brunette could pose as a huge problem were he to find conclusive proof that Light was, in fact, the first Kira. Sending the brunette to jail, or even worse, to be executed, would greatly disturb L, and he wasn't sure he would be able to work efficiently during the first period of time after such an event, if ever. He had never before experienced his work being compromised in such a way, not even while he worked on the Los Angeles BB murder cases two years earlier, and was forced to apprehend one of his previous heirs, had he been emotionally compromised.

L shuffled back into the main room and his usual working station on autopilot. He paused in front of his computer, where the documents he had been scrolling through earlier were open, and sighed. He had been scrolling mindlessly through old casefiles, trying to remember if any other case had ever affected him emotionally like the Kira case seemed to be doing.

During the Los Angeles BB murder case he'd also gone into the field and investigated personally, however he hadn't used his real identity back then, and he'd known from the very start who the murderer was, he just wasn't able to figure out how B was supposed to kill his final victim. In the end, it was Naomi Misora who realised that B was going to kill himself by setting himself on fire to make an unsolvable mystery for L. It was still something that disturbed L every now and then; he never would have been able to solve the case on his own, because the corpse would be too damaged to recognise, and there were no official records of any of his heirs, and therefore there wouldn't be any way to compare the DNA either.

L sat down on the chair in his usual hunched up way and closed the old case files. He knew he'd get nowhere with the Kira case if he didn't even try, no matter how unpleasant the results may be.

"Good morning, Ryuuzaki." Matsuda said, as he walked into the building with the rest of the team in tow.

"Morning, Matsuda." L said without looking at the other.

"Have you found anything new since yesterday?" Matsuda asked as he took his usual seat and booted up his computer.

"No, Kira has gone completely silent since Higuchi died." L said staring emptily at his toes.

"Perhaps there only was one Kira all along, and he wanted us to believe there were more than one." Matsuda said hopefully, already having brought up the subject three times during the last few days.

"No, Matsuda, as I already have explained to you, Higuchi was far from intelligent enough to have played out the roles of all the Kira's by himself." L said.

"I don't have the same ability to read people without ever having met them," Soichiro began, sending L's back a pointed look, "but I have to admit that you have proven to know what you have been doing so far, and it has yielded good results. Your good strategy even saved Matsuda's life." He said, earning a sheepish giggle from the man in question.

"Thank you, Yagami-san, your confidence means a lot." L said monotonously.

"So, where is Light-kun today?" Matsuda asked, looking around in confusion.

"He is just taking a shower; he spilled his breakfast all over himself." L said dismissively.

"Seriously? That doesn't sound like him at all!" Matsuda said with surprise.

"I can assure you I had a similar reaction as I watched it happen." L said, making Matsuda laugh. The scowl on Soichiro's face, however, made Matsuda's laughter die out pretty quickly.

"The only reasonable thing we can do is monitor any deaths that seem suspicious, including accidents, suicides, homicides and anything else that you can think of, especially if the victims are people with criminal background. If there seem to be some pattern then it could mean Kira is being more discrete with his killing now." _Or he is currently taking a shower upstairs without a way of killing people unnoticed…_ L thought.

The task force groaned in union at the thought of investigating thousands of deaths that may or may not be connected to Kira. They might as well be chasing a ghost. Before they caught Higuchi they'd at least had some very specific clues to investigate.

After about thirty minutes, L received a message from Light, saying that he would be working from the room.

" _Why?"_ L typed back hastily, wondering what the brunette was up to.

" _I'm just tired."_ Light typed back. L frowned; even while L had _wanted_ Light to stay in bed because of his concussion the brunette had insisted on working on the case with everyone else, and now he was staying in their room because he was _tired_.

 _This doesn't make any sense…_ L thought.

" _I'll come join you there then."_ L typed, then he shut down his computer without bothering to wait for a reply.

"Light-kun and I will be working from upstairs, doing a bit of brainstorming and thought experiments in hopes of figuring out what Kira is doing right now. You should just continue doing whatever you are doing." L informed the team before he left for the elevator.

"Wait! Shouldn't we do that together? With the entire team?" Matsuda yelled after L.

"No, you'd just be in the way, Matsuda." L answered over his shoulder without stopping.

L walked hurriedly through the corridors, worry nagging at the back of his mind. He knew Light had been unstable the last few days, and he still had a concussion even though he clearly was doing his best to hide it from the task force and L.

L entered the apartment in a hurry, not bothering to make his entrance known beforehand, just in time to hear the lock to the bathroom click.

"Light-kun?" L called out as he walked towards the bathroom, wondering what the younger man was up to. He was met with complete silence. He couldn't even hear the movements from the other man through the door, which meant he had to be holding completely still and making an effort to breathe quietly.

"Light-kun. I know you are in there, do not take me for a fool." L said impatiently after a few minutes of silence. "Are you ok?"

"You ask that question awfully often for someone who doesn't care." Light said through the door. His voice sounded weird and strangled, almost as if he was struggling to control his own emotions. This made the alarm bells go off in L's mind in earnest.

 _The Light I know has never had any trouble hiding his emotions, at times I've even wondered if he actually feels anything at all. Lately he's clearly been struggling, but this has for the most part only come off as him being distracted. Up till this point he hasn't let anyone notice how much pain he's in._

"I do care." L said warily, unsure how to handle the situation. Mad murderous geniuses like BB he could deal with without a problem, but an emotionally unstable, potentially suicidal and scared genius was an entirely different story.

"You can stop with the lip-service, Ryuuzaki, no one is listening to us here." Light said sharply, the way you would reprimand a child.

L opened his mouth to answer, but was too taken aback to think of a good answer.

 _What on earth has happened to Light's restraint? He'd never talk back to anyone, let alone me, before…_

"I said I would work on my own, just go back to the others." Light said cutting L off his line of thought. Light's voice was unsteady and wavered a bit at the end of his sentence. Usually, L would accept the other male's desire to be left alone for a while; however there was something in Light's voice that made him feel as if the brunette was lying when he said he wanted to be left on his own.

L considered how to make Light stop trying to push him away, when he clearly needed company, but he found himself unable to think of a considerate way of doing it. "Light-kun, you will open this door right this instant or I _will_ kick it down and have cameras installed in there in case you should ever consider doing this again. For all I know you could be killing people in there." L said threateningly.

There was no response from Light, and L frowned, seriously considering kicking down the door.

"Light-kun? I am not joking." L said. He could hear shuffling from the other side of the door, but didn't have time to try and figure out what Light could be doing before he received an answer.

"Ok, ok, just let me get dressed. I'd rather not come out of here without any clothes on." Light said, almost sounding as if he was panicking.

"I'll give you two minutes." L said with finality, leaving no room for arguments. He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall next to the door, mentally counting the seconds down from a hundred and twenty.

Just as L was about to call out to Light that his time was up the other male opened the door and walked shakily out of the bathroom, his complexion white as a ghosts.

"Are you-" L began, but was immediately cut off by the brunette.

"Can you stop asking me that for fucks sake?! I do not desire your pity. I am fine. My head is fine. Everything is _fine._ " Light snapped at L, who stood completely still, taken aback at Light's outburst. "Now if you'll excuse me I'll go and attempt to get some work done." Light said as he pushed himself of the doorframe of the bathroom, which he had been leaning heavily against since the moment he'd opened the door, and walked towards the living room. He only got a few steps before he began swaying dangerously. L knew what would come next, and leapt forward to catch the younger man before he fell to the floor.

Too late did L realise that he had miscalculated the distance and fall-direction of the brunette, and soon both he and Light were flying towards the floor with the help of the forward momentum L already had accumulated from his little sprint. He landed with Light on top of himself, and as a result all the air in his lungs were forced out, leaving him gasping for breath for a few seconds.

When L finally managed to catch his breath, he lifted his head to assess the damage, and was suddenly face to face with Light, who was sending him an inquiring gaze.

"Uhm, L? What are we doing on the floor?" He asked in confusion, pointedly avoiding to point out the fact that he was lying draped over L.

"I tried to catch you." L said awkwardly, shifting slightly against the elbow that was pressed into his side.

"Excuse me?" Light asked calmly, clearly confused at the situation.

"You fainted, and I made a poor attempt at catching you before you hit the floor, in fear that you would hit your head again. It would be unfortunate to worsen your concussion. As you can tell it did not go as smoothly as I had hoped it would." L said, indication his and Light's position with his free hand.

"Oh." Was all Light had to say in response. His face took on a distant look seemingly thinking about something. L used this opportunity to study Light's face up close. L noticed that Light was looking paler than he usually did; his skin didn't have the same glow to it as it normally did. Light also seemed to be developing some dark circles under his eyes, although they weren't nearly as bad as L's. L found it strange seeing as Light hadn't slept that little lately. He rationalised it with the fact that Light had suffered from severe night terrors.

"Are you able to get up and walk on your own, or should I carry you from here?" L asked. His word pulled Light out of his haze, and earned L a nasty glare from said brunette.

"I can walk on my own, thank you very much." He said, a slight pink tinge to his cheeks as he scrambled off L and stomped in to the living room. L followed closely behind while keeping a wary eye on Light, concerned that he would faint again after getting up so quickly from the floor.

He was relieved when Light safely made it to the sofa and sat down there in a far less elegant way than normal. Usually Light would slowly lower himself to the sofa, and would sit practically perched on the edge, his back straight as a ruler. This time he practically fell into the sofa where he proceeded to seemingly melt into the sofa, half sitting half lying against the back of the sofa.

L wasn't sure if he should laugh at how un-Light-like it seemed, or be concerned with the unusual behaviour. He leaned more against the last option, seeing as Light seemed to be struggling with something for the last few days, and Light, being Light, was of course not seeking any help with his problems, probably stubbornly insisting on taking care of things on his own.

"Ryuuzaki? What are you standing there for? Aren't you also going to work?" Light asked, a hint of hostility in his voice. L was surprised as he noticed that Light was already typing away at his laptop, seemingly deeply engrossed in the investigation.

"Of course, Light-kun." L said absently, retrieving his laptop from their bedroom.

 _What on earth is going on with these sudden emotional swings?_ L thought as he settled in one of the chairs opposite of Light.

-x-

 **Well, that was that for this chapter. It's not a big secret what happened when Light ran off, and it will become obvious in the next chapter, but can you guess what he was doing?**

 **Also, thank you to; May of Rose, Fluffy Dream, and everyone else who have reviewed! I am so glad you are all liking the story! Keep telling me your opinions and I will continue listening to what you say. Lots of love!**


	5. Ch 5: His Evil Self he Could Not Sate

**Finally! Summer is here! Yay!**

 **Also sorry for having to wait a little longer than usual! I intended to publis this chapter on Saturday, however, for some fucked up reason, the doc manager refused to cooperate. Anyhow I sent a mail to support, and I have not gotten a reply yet. So completely on my own, with my not so amazing computerskills, I got this stuff to work again. In a way. (At least the chapter is up). So yeah, enjoy another long chapter guys. Hope you like it!**

 **Word count: 5611**

 **Chapter 5: His Evil Self he Could not Sate**

 _What is he thinking? What is it that he wants? Why does he keep pretending to care? He's too persistent, surely he has to realise that I won't fall for it? Because I won't. I absolutely will not._ Light thought stubbornly. He was staring at L with narrowed eyes while the detective worked, not bothering to do any work himself. He had attempted to pretend to work for a little while, however he soon lost interest and stopped trying. There wasn't any point anyway. Besides it's hard to concentrate on something when one's angry, and Light was indeed _angry._ He was mad at L for continuously acting as if he gave a rat's ass about his well-being, but more than that, he was outright livid with himself because of the small part of him that actually bought the act. When L had tried to catch him earlier as he fainted, he actually felt _safe_ as he lay on top of L with the detectives arms wrapped securely around himself. He had even wanted to stay like that, lying together with L, of all people, on the _floor._ It was _ridiculous._

He'd felt L's heart beat against his chest and his breath ghost across his skin in an alluring way that made him want to lean closer and closer until there was no space left between them, and that wasn't even the worst part of it all. The worst part of it was that the voice that was slowly driving Light insane had been completely silent through all of it, as if it didn't dare interfere with the precious moment. The moment he got off L the voice had begun humming quietly, almost eerily, in the back of mind. Light didn't understand why it was doing it, but it was a new type of torture, and just as effective as anything else it had done.

"Is there something on my face, Light-kun?" L asked after a little while, without looking up from his laptop, which was balanced on top of his knees as he sat in his usual crouched manor in the large chair on the other side of the table. Light didn't even flinch as he was called out; he was too used to the other genius' ability to figure out what was happening around him without even looking. He also realised that the lack of the constant tapping and clicking sounds that normally flowed from his laptop as he typed away at his keyboard _was_ rather suspicious.

"I don't understand why you won't let me have some time to myself? I am always in your presence; a few hours alone would do me good." Light said evenly.

"My, my, Light-kun, if I didn't know any better I'd assume you were sulking." L commented with a smirk.

"I don't sulk." Light said sourly, finally looking away from the annoying detective.

"Of course you don't." L answered airily, not at all sounding as if he believed him. Light looked sharply at L, noting that the smirk that had donned his features only seconds earlier suddenly was gone. Light looked pointedly out of the window, refusing to fall for L's bait.

Light became aware of the distant humming in the back of his mind once again. It wasn't as bad as the mad cackling, and even though the change of pace frightened him, he found that he could think more clearly than he had in what felt like an eternity. Earlier when he'd fled the main floor to with the excuse of having a shower he'd realised that there was a pattern to his psychoses, or whatever he was supposed to refer to his panicky episodes as, and they almost always started with that horrible voice in his mind taunting him one way or the other. What set the voice off however, seemed to vary.

Light grudgingly admitted to himself that the last four days had been excruciating and outright terrifying. He had rarely had any reprieve his mind warring against itself; however, during those brief moments of silence he had gone through several diagnoses for himself. His conclusion was that bipolar disorder, severe paranoia, schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder and severe anxiety were the most likely options. The possibility that he was suffering from a combination of two or more mental illnesses had also occurred to him. Light had also deduced that the most probable cause was the sudden return of all his memories, unto a version of himself that had never thought himself capable of taking another person's life; however, that was as far as he had gotten. It would be hard to get a hold of medicines to help stabilise his mind, and even if he did manage to get hold of anything he'd most likely not be able to keep them secret from L, who was hell bent on constantly keeping an eye on him. Would he be willing to rely on medicines even if he _did_ get hold of any and somehow found a way of hiding it from L?

 _No._ Light decided, he wouldn't. He'd never relinquish control of his mind to the control of random chemicals stuffed into a small tablet, no matter how hard it was to stay in control on his own.

 _Such an analytical mind… you never considered any other options?_ The voice mocked him, making Light frown and shiver at the same time. The voice sounded more and more like a distorted version of his own voice, which for some reason was even more terrifying than anything it had said so far.

 _Shut up!_ Light thought, trying to force the voice away by pretending it wasn't there.

 _Hahahahhahahaha. Why don't you just let go…?_ It said with a laugh.

 _I want to keep my sanity!_ Light thought, realising how ironic it really was that he was having a mental conversation with someone who wasn't real, about staying sane.

"Light-kun? Are you feeling unwell again? Is your head hurting?" L asked, pulling Light out of his own mind.

"I'm sorry, I spaced out, what did you say?" Light asked, forcing himself to focus through the insane laughter that was ringing through is head.

"I asked if you are feeling unwell?" L repeated with a frown. He was staring at Light intently, seemingly dissecting him with his gaze.

 _There is that question again…_ Light thought while clenching his jaw. He didn't understand why L kept prodding and prying about his well-being all the time, when he knew the detective didn't care. L had proven that he couldn't care less about Light the moment he had told him to stay in their apartment two days earlier. No one would be that quick to suspect their friends.

"Yes, I am just a little bit tired… and my head hurts a little bit, you know, concussion and all…" Light said, forcing himself to meet L's eyes.

"I see, well tell me if there is anything I can get you." L said. He sounded so earnest, it took everything Light had to stay still and keep his gaze glues to L's.

"Of course." Light said, nearly choking on his own words while still keeping eye contact with the detective. He couldn't understand why it mattered so badly to him that L kept lying.

 _It's almost as if you have feelings for him. It's almost as if you care more than you would about a friend._ The voice said and laughed. Light's eyes widened in terror in response to the voice's words.

 _Nonononononononon! I don't care about him in that way! I want him dead!_ Light insisted silently.

 _Then why isn't he dead yet?_ The voice said, it's tone suddenly cold and hard, and for some reason sounding more like Light's own voice than ever. Light was startled by the sudden change.

 _I don't…_ Light thought hesitantly, suddenly feeling unwell.

 _Your pathetic self without your memories allowed himself to be impressed by L's intelligence and charisma. You really should let go you know…_ The voice said, a sinister tone to it's voice, as if it was ready to take matters into it's own hands.

 _No. It isn't true…_ Light thought weakly. After all, it couldn't be true. _I'd know if that was the case, wouldn't I…?_

 _Kill him…_ It echoed instead of answering Light's question, and images of L lying bloody and broken in some deserted alley flashed through his mind. His pure white skin contrasting starkly to the intense crimson liquid that was still gushing from the bullet wound in the middle of his chest, right where his heart was.

"No…" Light whispered feeling his chest clench at the images. During the time he had been handcuffed to the older detective, L had become so much more than a rival to him. Light had been so sure that their endless conversations about everything and nothing at the same time amounted to nothing more than friendship. The way L noticed everything, and always knew whenever something was amiss, and how he would stand up for himself whenever Light took things too far, and how he would annoy Light to no end, just to get a reaction out of him. It all seemed like things friends would do, but Light had almost been stupid enough to fall for the façade. L didn't care. And it hurt Light, which meant Light cared _more_ than he had initially thought.

"Excuse me…?" L said, looking at Light. It was obvious that he knew something was wrong, just as he always noticed when something was amiss.

Light shook his head, unable to form a proper sentence without completely falling apart. He didn't understand why it hurt so much whenever L pretended to care, but it did. He could feel his windpipe constrict as if a ball of cotton had lodged itself there and his eyes sting painfully. The clenching feeling in his chest turned into a terrible aching that made him want to scream in agony.

 _Why does it have hurt…?_ Light thought, doing his best to keep himself collected.

"What's wrong?" L asked sharply, his eyes narrowed in suspicion. Light couldn't imagine what L thought was happening, but he knew that he needed some time to himself, already as he sat there his carefully crafted mask was coming undone, revealing his true self to the other male. He couldn't let L see. It was too dangerous.

"I- I need some time…" Light managed to choke out. He stood from his seat and stumbled across the Livingroom towards the bathroom. He needed to get away from L, from those horrible images in his mind. He didn't get far before he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder accompanied by L's voice.

"I don't think that is a very good idea." L said. His voice sounded darker and more sinister than usual, like something was distorting it.

"But-" Light choked out. Panic was welling up rapidly inside of him, making his hands and feet feel cold. His shoulders tensed unbearably, making his already sore muscles ache. The air in the room suddenly felt like water, making it impossible to breathe properly. The lights started dancing in front of his eyes, making it harder to stand upright.

"Light-kun? Light! You need to calm down. You are having a panic attack." L's voice said somewhere in the distance, but Light couldn't tell where it came from anymore. The last thing Light felt, was something warm encasing him from behind, supporting him as his muscles failed, and everything went black.

-x-

L caught Light just before the brunette lost consciousness and fell to the floor. He gently lowered the younger man to the floor while letting out a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding. It was the second time he'd seen Light faint that day, so he'd recognised the signs a little earlier this time. It had given him just enough time to react and catch him. The last thing L wanted was for Light to hit his head again and potentially worsen his concussion.

L looked at Light for a long moment before he lifted him off the floor and carried him to bed. He gently ran his palm over Light's forehead to check that the swelling was receding at the rate it was supposed to.

As he sat there, carefully checking that everything was at it should be with Light's head something red caught his eye and he froze. Light right sleeve was rapidly being stained by what L assumed to be blood. He folded the sleeve back already knowing what he was going to find, and found a sloppily applied bandage wrapped around the arm.

 _So that was why he wanted to be alone…_ L thought. He sighed sadly as he stood from the bed and went to retrieve the first aid kit from the bathroom, so that he could cleanse and rewrap Light's new wound properly.

L gently wrapped Light's wound, careful not to wake the brunette. As he sat there, he realised that he would have to confront Light about his self-harm after all. He couldn't just watch silently as the younger man destroyed himself, no matter what the reason was. He hadn't realised the full extent of Light's struggles when he'd made the decision to wait, but after watching Light rapidly deteriorate like he had he understood that he couldn't allow it to continue; even if it didn't kill Light's body it was killing his mind.

 _What on earth is going on inside that mind of yours…?_ L thought absently as he retrieved a shirt from Light's closet that was identical to the shirt Light had been wearing. He was lucky Light even had two of the same shirt. He pulled the shirt onto Light's lean body, carefully buttoning up the shirt.

As L worked on the buttons, the tedious process was interrupted by his phone ringing.

"Watari?" L said in a low voice as he answered the phone, not wanting to disturb the sleeping man.

 _"_ _L."_ The other man acknowledged from the other end of the phone.

"What is it?" He asked impatiently, wondering why the other man had chosen to call with such horrible timing. Of course, Watari had no way of knowing what L was doing, since there wasn't any cameras in his apartment, but he still couldn't help feeling slightly annoyed with the older man.

 _"_ _I called to inform you that I took the liberty of leaving a cake in your Livingroom. You haven't eaten in a while."_ Watari said.

L opened his mouth to tell the older man that he wasn't hungry, however his own stomach interrupted him by growling loudly, and he realised that he was, in fact, _very_ hungry.

"Thank you Watari, that's very considerate of you." L said as he stood from the bed and walked towards the living room. "Is that all?"

 _"_ _No, there is one more thing."_ Watari began, his voice softer than usual. _"Happy 25_ _th_ _birthday."_ He said just as L pushed the door to the Livingroom open. Watari hadn't just brought him cake; he had brought him over a dozen different pastries and desserts. L stood still for a moment before he allowed a small smile to grace his lips.

"Thank you." He said sincerely, hoping his guardian could hear the sincerity in his voice.

 _"_ _You are very welcome L."_ Watari said. L nodded – more to himself than anything, since Watari couldn't see him anyway – before he hung up and walked over to the sofa.

 _How on earth does he expect me to eat all of this?_ L thought as he eyed the desserts sceptically. He had at one point hat to admit to himself that even he couldn't eat that many sweets at once. Not that he hadn't tried when he was younger, but it hadn't ended very well. He'd been stuck in bed with a terrible stomach ache for two days, something he'd rather not experience again.

L sent a final look towards the bedroom where Light was sleeping. Considering how Light had inflicted another deep wound upon himself he was probably exhausted, and therefore, he would probably sleep for quite some time. From this L concluded that it wouldn't hurt to leave the young man alone for a little while.

 _I'll be back in there by the time he wakes up._ L told himself as he sat down by the coffee table. _I won't put it off like last time, I'll go right back after I've eaten some cake…_

-x-

Light slowly gained consciousness again, awaking in his and L's bed. It took some time to orient himself, and remember what had happened before he lost consciousness.

 _L must have carried me here after I fainted…_ Light thought as he looked around the room. He wasn't surprised to find the room empty, just like that morning. L clearly had no interest in keeping watch over him as he slept. _Why would he anyway? It's not like he cares…_ Light thought bitterly.

He sat up slowly in the bed and looked down at himself. He froze as he took in the state of his clothes. They were wrinkled after having been slept in, however that wasn't what caught his attention; half of his shit-buttons weren't buttoned up, as he was certain they had been when he left the bathroom earlier. It was possible that one or two of the buttons could have been unbuttoned on their own while he slept, but there was no way that _that_ many buttons would simply unbutton on their own.

 _What is this…? Who?_ Light thought just as the answer became apparent to him.

 _No._ He thought in panic as he tore off his shirt to check his bandages. The moment he saw both bandages around his arms neatly wrapped and securely tied in place – nowhere close to the messy state he'd left them in – he felt as if his heart was torn out of his chest, a single line of thoughts repeating itself over and over inside his head.

 _He knows…_

 _L knows…_

Light felt warm tears stream down his face as he sat there. He wiped angrily at the tears, trying to erase them, _hide_ them. He wasn't supposed to be weak, but it hurt. He couldn't bear it. It hurt. His entire body ached with pain. The pain that came with the awareness that L knew about his pain and struggling, and had, despite this knowledge chosen not to say anything. The detective hadn't even accused him of being Kira because of it. If he'd done that he'd at least acknowledged Light's suffering instead of just ignoring it.

 _Why?_ L knew, so why hadn't he said anything? Why didn't he offer him some help? Or support? Or anything? Did He really mean that little to the detective?

 _As soon as you are unconscious, he simply leaves you alone. He can't even be bothered with watching over you. He knows that you are suffering, yet he can't even be bothered with asking you how you are._ The voice in Light's head said coldly. There was no trace of the usual mocking tone, no gleeful laughter. Light sobbed quietly. He knew the voice was right; he knew L didn't care.

 _It hurts…_ Light thought, gripping the fabric of his shirt where his heart was, as if to show where he was hurting. L's rejection was the final proof he needed to know for certain that L couldn't care less about him. To the detective, he meant nothing.

 _Of course it hurts. You are pathetic. You let this happen. This is your fault._ The voice accused him, sounding angry.

 _I didn't want this! I don't want this! I don't want this pain!_ Light thought desperately.

 _Then let go. There will be no more pain. No suffering._ The voice said coaxingly.

"How…?" Light yelled. He wanted to know how to alleviate the horrible feeling in his chest. He wanted it all to go away.

 _Just let go…_ The voice echoed, lower and lower, and then it went silent.

It was the first time the voice had disappeared on its own accord, and it left Light confused and scared.

Light sat completely still in his bed for what felt like an eternity, feeling apprehensive. He couldn't understand why he had opened himself to L. why he had allowed himself to care for such a cold unyielding creature. He knew one of them had to die, but he didn't know how he was supposed to stand to continue living on his own. He wasn't even sure if he wanted L to be the one to die.

 _How pathetic…_ Light thought. _I am broken… worthless…_

Light got slowly out of bed, trying to find motivation to go on with his daily routines. He felt empty and weak. An image of himself, smirking at his own reflection as he thought about how close he was to victory flashed through his mind. That was only a few days earlier, yet it felt so distant; so unreal.

 _How could I ever smile at the thought of watching L die…?_

Showering, pulling on a clean set of clothes and eating breakfast took two hours. Usually it would only take him three quarters, less if he hurried, however large amounts of those two hours were spent staring emptily into the air in front of him. Not thinking anything; not _feeling_ anything.

When Light finally finished his breakfast he went into the main room and found L deeply concentrated in his work. He was perched in his usual position behind the same computer as always. Next to his keyboard, there was a large tower of sweets and pastries, far more than usual. Light frowned for a few seconds before his expression went back to being passive, as it had been the last two hours. His stoic face could probably rival L's at that point. As he looked at L, tapping furiously at the keyboard, he felt a jolt of pain invade his chest. As unwelcome as it was he couldn't help but wonder; _why? Why doesn't L say anything? Why doesn't he try to help me? Does he_ want _me to break? So utterly and completely that there are no recognisable pieces left?_

Light closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, exhaling quietly, willing every and all thoughts away; it was all he could do to stop the painful feeling in his chest, as if someone was stabbing his heart repeatedly, twisting the knife mercilessly. He sat down and began working on the case, or, at least pretending to. There was nothing he could do to help the case short of turning himself in, and that would be suicide. No matter how tempting it seemed to forfeit control of his life at that point he couldn't risk having to spend a lifetime in a prison cell, locked in a small room with only himself and his painful thoughts to keep him company. If he wasn't insane already, that would be the final drop.

L and Light worked in silence for hours, the silence growing more and more uncomfortable around them until L finally decided to acknowledge Light's presence.

"Light how are you feeling today?" that was probably the worst thing L could have said, Light stiffened in his seat, not daring to look at L. He knew that L knew, so why couldn't he just ask directly?

"I'm fine…" Light said quietly.

L had no idea how to go on with the conversation, so they both fell silent again. The silence continued for about five minutes before they both spoke again, at the same time.

 _"Why…"_ they said in union, but stopped when they heard the other talking.

"You go first Light-kun." L said politely. Light looked at him for a long moment, trying to figure out what the raven had been about to say. _Was he going to ask about my… wounds…?_

"It's nothing important, you first Ryuuzaki." Light said smiling weakly at L. He didn't want to confront L in case he intended to bring up the subject himself, it wasn't like he wanted to be pitied either.

"No, no, it was nothing." L said curtly and returned to his work. Light felt his heart sink in his chest. He couldn't understand why he suddenly felt so disappointed. He already knew that L didn't care… He turned back to his computer and continued pretending to work on the case.

 _Let go…_ A voice at the back of Light's mind whispered sensually. It was uttered like a promise, a promise of peace and freedom and release from his own broken mind. Light wasn't quite sure whether it was his own thoughts or the other voice that had been plaguing him so frequently the last few days, but it didn't matter. At that moment, he wanted nothing more to let go.

 _How…?_ Light thought, feeling the despair well up in his chest. He didn't know how. He didn't know how to let go of all his pain, he didn't know how to escape. Light expected the voice to answer him, to mock him or even tell him how to let go, but his mind was dead silent.

At that moment, as if on que, the task force arrived, slowly filing into the room, clearly not very enthusiastic about another day of monitoring deaths all over the world. Light felt himself shrink into his chair as the task force took their seats, filling up the room far more than a few men should be capable of on their own. Light felt as if the walls were closing in on him, slowly suffocating him. He sat still for a few moments glancing sideways at the Mogi who was sitting a few meters away from him. Thoughts were rushing through his mind, the next more horrible than the previous one.

 _Is he looking at me? Does he know anything? Does he know how pathetic I truly am? He couldn't possibly know? Right…? But what if L has told him? what if L told the entire task force?_

It didn't take long before he snapped; he couldn't stand being in the room anymore. He couldn't stand the fact that L knew about his self-harm, and he couldn't stand the fact that everyone acted as if everything was ok when it _clearly wasn't._

"Excuse me…" Light choked out as he stood from the chair, drawing the attention of the entire taskforce.

"Wait." L said sharply, stopping Light from leaving the room.

"Are you feeling unwell?" Soichiro asked, not allowing L to say whatever he intended to say.

"I just need to get some rest…" Light said in an effort to appear as normal as he could. His voice wavered off at the end, and this did not go unnoticed by anyone in the room, who all were used to his prefect demeanour.

 _Please… just let me leave…_ He thought desperately, feeling like a trapped animal. He wanted to run until he was far, far away from any living soul.

"I can take you home if you want to." Soichiro said, clearly worried about his son's health and well-being.

"No, it's ok. Just… I'll just go sleep or something." Light said with a weak smile. He walked away as fast he possibly could without running out of the room. He couldn't wait any longer; he had to get away before he suffocated on the very air in the room.

"You are dismissed for today, Watari and I will look after Light-kun." L said curtly, getting up from his chair with the intention of following Light.

"But what about the investigation?" Matsuda asked.

"Matsuda-san, I think we all are aware that we are currently very much stuck, and that taking a day off will make no difference whatsoever." L said, staring emptily at Matsuda; the young man never ceased to amaze L with his stupidity.

"He's right Matsuda, just be happy about the break." Mogi said.

"Use this day to spend time with your families, and relax; we will continue our work as usual tomorrow. Now if you will excuse me I will go check on Light-kun right away." L said monotonously, and then he walked briskly out of the room.

-x-

As soon as Light had exited the main room he broke out into a full on sprint to get away from the others as fast as he could.

 _Let go…_

 _It's so easy…_

 _Just let it all go…_

A voice was echoing through Light's head. He couldn't tell whose it was anymore. It sounded too much like his own not to be, yet it sounded too malicious and distorted to really be his. It didn't make sense, it was contradictory. Everything had always been so easy for Light to understand, but then everything suddenly turned into complete and utter chaos, leaving Light lost in the middle of the mess.

He was running. He had to get away. He needed to take back control of everything, he needed _control._ He ran as fast as he could, choosing the stairs instead of the elevator because he didn't dare stop and stand still even for a moment. Up and down staircases, through corridors and into rooms only to meet a dead end and turn the other way. He ran until he was out of breath and his lungs burned. He ran until his muscles felt like they were on fire and he barely managed to move his feet forward.

He ran until suddenly there was nowhere left to run. Light stopped in and stared at his own reflection in the mirror. He had ended up in the bathroom in his and L's apartment. He glanced over at the door only to find it closed and locked.

 _When did I…?_ Light shrugged before he finished the thought. He moved his gaze back to the mirror he was startled to find his reflection smirking haughtily at him, it's eyes the colour of blood. Light would have jumped away from the mirror, but suddenly his legs felt heavy, like lead. There was no way he could move even a millimetre, even if he wanted to.

 _"_ _Let go."_ His reflection mouthed at him. Its mouth twisted into a sick smile as Light shook his head. He was scared. He wasn't sure if he wanted to let go. It didn't seem like a very good idea.

"I don't want to." Light said, his voice quivering. He wanted to feel safe again. To feel as if he was the master of the world. He wanted to be the master of his own mind again.

His reflection threw his head back and gripped his stomach as it howled with laughter, suddenly it's voice seemed to ring through the room. It was suffocating and Light wanted nothing more than to get away from it. Earlier he had wanted to be alone, now the prospect of being alone wasn't all that welcoming anymore.

Light's reflection suddenly stopped laughing. It stared straight into Light's eyes, as if it could see right through him. Perhaps it could. It lifted one arm and beckoned Light closer with his hand.

 _"_ _Come. I'll help you."_ It whispered sensually, and to Light's utter horror a small part of him actually wanted to.

"No…" He whispered, but his legs seemed to be moving of their own accord. There was no way for him to stop. "What do you want?" Light asked.

 _"_ _I'll help you…"_ His reflection said as it reached out for Light. It looked like it intended to hug him, but that was impossible. It was only a reflection after all. Light breathed out, trying to calm his galloping heart; he had just realised that it couldn't really do anything to him.

 _"_ _That's right. Just relax. I'll give you what you want."_ The mirror-Light said soothingly, and Light actually obliged. The reflection placed his palm against the glassy surface and stopped. Light was standing with his crotch pressed against the edge of the sink. He unconsciously began leaning forwards; he was curious as to what his reflection intended to do next. Could it really help?

Suddenly his other self launched himself towards the mirror. Light gasped and flinched right before the impact – which never came. His reflection's torso slid easily through the mirror, his arms reaching out for Light. Light's eyes widened in shock at the sight before him. Too late did he realise what his reflection was aiming for. He felt cold clammy hands tighten around his neck, cutting off his air supply. Light tried to tear himself away from the solid grip, but he had no strength left in his body, and he was rapidly becoming weaker as his reflection refused to relent his hold on Light's throat. Light didn't know what to do, so he began clawing desperately at the hands, hoping to loosen his reflections hold on him.

 _"_ _Stop resisting."_ The mirror-Light snarled at him, baring his teeth in a nasty grimace. He tightened his grip on Light's throat even further and the pain doubled. Light clawed even more desperately at the hands. He could see blood trickle down the mirror-Lights hands, steadily increasing in amount, just as the pain in around his neck rapidly became more and more mind-numbing and unbearable.

 _"_ _You are ruining everything!"_ The voice yelled. It sounded distant and distorted, and Light barely managed to comprehend what it was saying. His body shook as every cell in his body screamed for oxygen. His vision was blurry and darkness was closing in from every angle.

 _Help…_ Was the last thing Light thought before he lost consciousness.

-x-

 **What on earth is happening to Light? What did his mirror-self want to do to him? Where on earth is L when we freakin' need him? D: poor Light.**

 **Now that you have asked yourself all these questions, and are feeling the tension build up as you expectantly wait for the continuation of the story feel free to leave little review and tell me what you think! It warms my very cold heart. Kidding, we Norwegians are very kind; we just come off as a bit cold at first. x3**

 **\- SEMI-IMPORTANT NOTE! -**

 **If anyone (who knows British English really well) would like to beta-read this story (In other words get to read the chapters way earlier than everyone else and point out stupid mistakes and potential plot-holes), then feel free to tell me, either in a PM or review, whatever feels easier! If I manage to find a beta-reader I'll obviously give them credit for all the chapters they proof-read.**

 **I realise I should have asked for this earlier, but somehow my pompous ass thought that I'd manage to fix all my mistakes if I read through it enough times… And my first language is not even English. Like jeez.**

 **So yeah. I really hope someone is interested!**


	6. Ch 6: Questions Asked With no Reply

**It' here! Finally! Sorry for the long wait, but I finally found a beta-reader! Yay!**

 **Also, the chapters just keep getting longer and longer! Like whaaat? Wasn't I gonna stick with something between 4k and 5k? apparently not. Anyhow, You've probably waited for this one, so without further ado, please enjoy!**

 **Proofread by: Morcuen**

 **Word count: 6544**

 **Chapter 6: Questions Asked With no Reply**

When Light had left the main room, it was obvious to L that there was something wrong. He would have been able to stop Light before he ran off if it hadn't been for Matsuda and his stupid questions. Instead, he'd had to convince the idiot officer to take the day off before he could chase after Light. Why couldn't the man just accept his extra free time and be happy instead of questioning L's decision? When L had entered the hallway Light had been nowhere in sight, which didn't surprise him in the slightest, and he'd resigned to the fact that he would have to search for the brunette.

The first place L had looked for Light, had been in their apartment, however, there the younger man was not detectable. After that, he had searched the rest of the floor where their apartment was, to no avail. Light was nowhere to be found. It was Watari who had suggested that he looked at the security tapes to find him. L had felt stupid for not having thought of it himself, but justified his shortsightedness with the fact that he was incredibly worried about his only friend and this was a fairly new feeling to him.

It took L about twenty minutes to follow the path Light had taken through the corridors with the help of the security tapes, only to find that the younger man had gone to their apartment shortly after L had left that very floor. L stood abruptly from his computer in the main room and moved hurriedly through the building towards his destination, hoping that Light would still be there when he arrived.

When he reached the apartment, he headed straight for the bathroom, knowing intuitively that that was where Light would have gone. He grabbed the door-handle and attempted to open the door. It didn't come as a great shock that the door was locked. He knocked calmly on the door and waited for a reply. When Light didn't say anything for about a minutes L tried knocking again, a bit harder this time. When there still wasn't any reply, L felt his worry increase greatly. He felt his heart beat faster and his pulse quicken as he hammered on the door.

"Light? Are you in there?" L yelled thorough the door, hoping to hear some sort of sign that indicated that Light was ok. To L's utter horror, he was met by a deafening silence. He didn't have to use his incredible deductive skills to realise that something was gravely wrong.

 _Should I call Watari? I don't want to expose Light's secret to anyone, it is up to him to do so, and if Light is lying passed out on the floor from blood loss it would make the situation quite obvious…_

L determined to attempt getting into the bathroom on his own. He considered lock-picking the door, but decided against it; it would take too much time. Light could potentially be bleeding out at that very moment; time wasn't something he had. So, after weighing his options L decided that he would kick down the door. He stepped back a little bit, and calculated how far away from the door he would have to stand to gain the greatest advantage. When he had done the mental part of the task, he took a deep breath, placed his hands on the floor and kicked the door as hard as he could manage.

Pain shot through his foot, making him nauseous and dizzy, however through his haze, L could hear the hinges creak as they gave in to the pressure. This gave him the boost he needed to pull himself together enough to deliver another solid kick to the door. This time the entire door slammed down on the bathroom floor with a loud bang.

L ran into the bathroom, limping slightly from the pain in his foot. He looked to his left, where he knew the shower and sink were – it was the most likely spot in the bathroom for Light to be. There, on the floor in front of the sink, in a small pool of blood laid Light; completely still. L felt his heart stop for a moment at the sight.

 _No…_ He thought in disbelief; he refused to believe that Light was dead. He walked hurriedly over to Light's lifeless body and checked his pulse. He sighed in relief as he found what he was searching for. He could feel the weak but persistent rhythm that was Light's heartbeat. He was still alive… _barely._

As L held Light's arm he noticed that there was blood and pieces of skin underneath Lights fingernails. It immediately reminded him of the story of bloody Mary, who'd been buried alive because her parents thought she was dead. She had clawed at the inside of the chest until her nails broke and her fingers started to bleed. He lifted the hand and wiped gently at the tips. To his surprise, most of the blood came off as he did, and he could see that the skin was intact under the mess. He frowned and sat back so he could look, actually _look,_ at Light. Whatever L had expected to see, the sight that met him was far from it.

L had noticed the blood that was pooling around Light's body the moment he'd entered the bathroom, however he had merely assumed that Light had cut himself, and that he was bleeding from his arms or legs. That had been the pattern after all; whenever Light had a particularly stressed out moment, he resorted to self-harm to alleviate some of the pressure and focus on something else. At least that was what it had seemed like to L; it had been hard to tell because even though Light had been displaying a wider array of emotions the past few days than he had during the entirety of the investigation, he was still a very good actor.

The source of all the blood wasn't Light's arms or legs, however. All of the blood that was covering the floor was seeping from Light's throat. Through the blood, L could see deep clawing marks, as if something had been clawing at his own throat. It was clear to L that Light was the only person who could have possibly done it, yet he found it incredibly hard to believe. He stared at Light's body, mortified at the sight before him. He sat like that for a few moments, stupefied by the surreal situation until he noticed how Light's chest rose and fell in an unsteady rhythm, making it obvious that he had major problems breathing properly. This forced L back to reality. He stood from his position, crouched on the floor, and ran over to the cabinet where they kept clean towels. He tore out a bunch of freshly washed white towels and ran back to Light. He gently pressed a towel against Light's throat in an attempt to stop the bleeding. He placed two fingers beneath Light's chin and pushed his head slightly back, hoping to open his windpipe a little bit more, so that Light could breathe more easily. He could immediately tell that it worked. L took another towel, folded it neatly and placed it under Light's neck to keep his windpipe open. This allowed him to use one of his hands freely, while he used the other one to keep pressing gently on the towel that was covering Light's throat. He sent an urgent message to Watari, telling the older man to come to their apartment at once.

While he waited for his guardian to arrive L tried talking to Light to no avail. A tiny part of him had hoped for a response even though he knew it was more than just unlikely. With Light's amount of blood-loss, it was a miracle his heart was still beating, there was absolutely no way he'd be able to regain consciousness without a blood-transfusion.

When Watari entered the bathroom, he stopped dead in his tracks and stared at the lifeless form of Light lying in a pool of blood, and L trying to stop the bleeding from a wound on Light's neck. L didn't even look up when Watari entered.

"Watari, call for an ambulance, fast, Light-kun's life is in danger." Was all that L said, and Watari had the decency to follow his orders without questions, in spite of the unsettling circumstances.

"An ambulance is on its way here, I shall go to the entrance and give the ambulance-personnel access to the building, and guide them to this floor." Watari said after making the call. L just nodded to signal that he had heard what Watari had said.

 _What on earth is going on…?_ L thought as he stared at Light's pale complexion.

-x-

L sat hunched over in his chair next to the hospital bed; watching Light's chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm. Every rise of Light's chest reassured L that Light was still breathing; still alive.

L had made sure none of the doctors would speak a word about the incident, because he didn't want any of Light's friends or teachers to know about it. They would assume he'd gone mad and tried to kill himself. They wouldn't look at him the same anymore if they knew. They would suggest that Light needed to be admitted to a mental hospital. If that happened, Light would never be allowed to work within law-enforcement or anything related. No one wanted an unstable police officer or detective that could kill himself or possibly others at any moment.

L had tried to rationalise Light's episode in hopes of finding a reasonable explanation for it, because he didn't want to think that Light actually _had_ tried to kill himself in such a brutal way, but he couldn't seem to find any other logical explanations. All he knew was that it wasn't like Light at all; it was so messy. Everything Light ever did was elegant and flawless and carefully thought through, and L had been certain that no matter how depressed Light became he'd still want people to remember him that way. L could imagine Light take an overdose of pills, jump off a bridge or neatly slit his wrists, perhaps leave a single red rose and a touching written suicide-note that revealed all of his trouble and sorrows in a beautiful and poetic way. The last thing he'd imagine was Light suddenly clawing out his own throat. It just didn't make sense to L.

After the emergency operation on Light, L had wanted to put the brunette in a single room, however Watari had advised against it to L's great dismay. The older man had told him that Light should be under constant supervision in the intensive care unit, or at the very least be placed in a room together with someone else.

L couldn't stand the way Watari spoke about Light, as if he was a danger to himself, and had to be kept an eye on. L wanted people to think of Light as the perfect model student, intelligent and handsome; a person that everyone liked and envied, just like how he had been before. He'd wanted nothing more than to argue with Watari, but even if they got into an argument he wouldn't have known what to say. He didn't know how to defend Light's actions because, although he hated himself for it, he was thinking the same things as Watari and the doctors. For this reason, he had quietly acquiesced to Watari's proposition, and Light had been placed in a double room together with a middle-aged woman who had been operated in her throat for thyroid cancer.

 _What happened to you Light? What changed?_ L thought. He chewed intently at his thumb while he watched over Light, lost in his own thoughts. It didn't make sense. Nothing made sense to L anymore. The further the case developed, the more he learned, the less he understood. L wished that everything would go back to the way it was before.

 _Before…?_ The word echoed in L's mind. _Before what? I keep comparing Light to how he was before, but when did he really change?_

L remembered how he'd been keeping an eye on Light through the security cameras they'd placed in the Yagami's house. He'd immediately been intrigued by the younger man. Everything he ever did looked carefully planned and calculated; he never made a mistake. The pieces had immediately begun fitting together, and L had found his primary suspect. He'd been so sure, to him it had only been a question about time before Light slipped up and he got the proof he needed to put him behind bars. L had been patiently waiting for the right moment when Light suddenly turned everything upside-down.

When the brunette had placed himself under L's surveillance it had seemed like that was it. The killings had stopped and Light had quietly sat there. He never confessed, but he didn't really deny being Kira either. And then the killings had started again. From that moment L had never really had much control on the case. He'd released Light and allowed him to help him with the case because, suspect or not, Light was a genius on level with himself, and a valuable asset to the taskforce. He'd watched in awe as Light made quick and brilliant decisions, moving the case forward with ease alongside L himself, the world's greatest detective. L hadn't understood why he did it. If he was Kira it only made sense for him to try to stall the case, yet he seemed to be the one who worked the hardest.

 _After his imprisonment, Light worked far harder and seemed far more determined to solve the case, almost like an entirely different person… could that be it? Could there be more than one Light inside of him? Perhaps he really is sick after all?_ L thought and bit down hard on his thumb, ignoring the coppery taste of blood that suddenly filled his mouth. He stared intently at Light's sleeping form, as if the younger man would tell him the answer in as he slept sleep.

 _When Higuchi was arrested, I was forced to release Light from the handcuffs because we found "proof" that he was innocent. I can't exclude the possibility that some of the rules in the Death Note are fake, and it was all set up; Light certainly has the capacity to fabricate such a grand scheme… What troubles me is how much Light has changed since then. It's like he broke that day… he's been broken so thoroughly and brutally… as if someone died._

 _Or… as if the pure Light Yagami suddenly learned about the thousands upon thousand of people he killed…_ L's eyes widened as all the pieces finally fit together.

 _He forgot... During his imprisonment; when the killings started again. He didn't know who he was._

At the moment of realisation L felt so many different feelings rage inside him, struggling to break free, that he didn't know which on he should act upon. Because of this L chose – as he had so many times before – to just ignore all of them and stare blankly at the object of his confusion.

 _So Light really is Kira after all…? This is it, isn't it? I figured it out. I always knew, didn't I? But at the same time I constantly tried to convince myself that I needed hard evidence before I could believe anything about him…_ L felt his chest clench at the thought and frowned. The feeling was new to him, and something he'd never expected to experience in his life.

 _I don't want it to be true…_ L realised. Light was too precious to him. _I've lost._ _Light is my only friend and I value him far too much… as I am now, I can't possibly see him executed… not when I have finally found someone who matter so much to me… In the end, I was the one to fall from my high tower. I've lost._

-x-

Light woke up in a blindingly white hospital room. He remembered exactly what had happened before he lost consciousness; he had been strangled by his own reflection. Light knew it was impossible, yet he could remember the incident clear as day. He realised that it didn't matter _how,_ because there was no way anyone would have believed him anyway.

Light gave himself a once-over and groaned internally; he was wearing the typical hospital-gown that reached his thighs, and otherwise left very little to the imagination of potential onlookers. To each of his hands were IV's attached. The thin tubes led to two bags filled with some unidentifiable fluids, which were hung upon a tall IV pole. On one of the IV tubes, there was a box with a small display and buttons on it. Light tried to figure out what it was but found that he was too tired to comprehend the small numbers and letters. He scowled down at the box for a few second before he realised that it, whatever it was, was probably the reason why he couldn't discern the words to begin with. Perhaps he wasn't as clearheaded as he felt after all.

 _How did I get here…?_ Light thought as he looked around the small hospital room. It was a double room, and in the bed next to him sat a very young-looking woman, reading a book. She had long, blonde, curly hair and a very pretty face. She noticed Light looking at her, so she put down her book and looked up at Light, smiling brightly.

"Hi, my name is Claire, what is your name?" she said conversationally.

"I'm Light, it's… nice to meet you…?" Light said, unsure of what he should say, considering they were both patients at a hospital. The woman laughed at his words, her voice sounding goddess-like, bubbling happily from her chest.

"I guess the circumstances in which we meet aren't the best, but it is certainly nice to meet you too." She said cheerfully.

"Why…?" Light began, wanting to ask what failed her; why she was in the hospital, but he stopped himself as he realised that it was rude to ask. _What if she is terminally ill?_

"I have been operated for thyroid cancer, dear. The operation was successful and soon I will back on my feet again. At least that is what the doctors told me." She said, clearly having figured out what Light was going to ask.

"Oh. Congratulations I suppose." Light said quietly looking at Claire for a long moment, trying ty figure out what the odd tone was, that he was hearing in her voice.

"Thank you, dear. May I ask who your friend is?" she said, making Light confused.

 _Is L here?_ Light thought and looked around the room, in case he had missed him when he had looked around the first time. It wasn't entirely unlikely considering the fact that he'd just woken up. He soon realised, however, that L was nowhere in sight.

 _Of course not. Why would he be. He doesn't care…_ Light thought, feeling his heart sink in his chest. He hadn't even noticed how his heartrate had picked up a notch the moment Claire had asked about the older detective.

"Excuse me, who are you talking about?" Light finally asked, after deciding that they were only the two of them in the small room.

"Oh, your cute friend with the lovely raven-black hair, and fair milky-white skin. He sat in the chair next to your bed, watching over you as you slept, for hours. He didn't leave until an old man – his grandfather I suppose – came and told him that he had other duties to take care of, and that he couldn't stay here. The young man seemed rather worried about you." She said, giving Light a somewhat knowing smile.

"Oh, I guess that must have been Ryuuzaki then… did you say that he sat here for hours watching me… _sleep?"_ Light asked, wondering if she was joking.

 _That can't be true… right? He wouldn't waste his time doing something as mundane as watching me sleep, would he? Unless he thought I'd give away some sort of clue in my sleep related to the case…_

"Of course. He cares about you, silly." She said, winking at Light.

Light stared dumbly at her. _Is she mentally ill? There is no way L cares about me..._

"Oh don't give me that look. If you don't believe me it is your loss. You are still young; you'll have time to figure things out on your own." She said, smiling at Light.

"But aren't you young too?" Light said, frowning in confusion.

"Oh no, I may not look it, but I am 58 years old, I have many years of experience in life. I am fairly confident in my ability to read people." She said, before she picked up her book, and returned to reading.

"Oh… One last thing." Light said. Claire peeked over the top of the book at him, sending him an inquiring gaze.

"Yes?" She asked.

"Did someone who could've been my father visit?" Light asked. He didn't like idea of having to explain himself to his father, but he'd rather do it himself than have someone else relay their own interpretation of what had happened to him to his father. He did however have to make up a good lie, or else he'd be in a mental hospital before the end of that conversation…

"No, only the two people I mentioned before have been here." She said.

Light looked silently at her, his face unreadable. When he didn't say anything else Claire went back to reading her book. Light sat like that for a few more moments before he shrugged. Perhaps his father would visit later? It wasn't like him to stay away when someone in his family was hurt.

Light closed his eyes and forced all his thoughts out of his mind. The short conversation had sucked all the energy he had had right out of him, leaving him exhausted. Being in the hospital after the surreal incident back at headquarters, felt sort of like a dream. He knew the sense of peace and relaxation he was feeling at that very moment had to be temporary, perhaps a result of all the sedatives and painkillers that no doubt had been injected into him. Despite this knowledge Light lay back down in the soft hospital bed and relaxed every muscle in his body with the intention of enjoying the peace and quiet while he still had it. He sighed in contentment as he felt sleep to wash over him, carrying him into the world of dreams.

-x-

"Yagami-san? Wake up." A voice called gently, pulling Light out of his sleep. He cracked his eyes open, looking in the direction where the voice had come from. He was met with the sight of a young nurse standing next to his bed, with a tray next to him filled with various medical equipment. She was wearing the typical nurse outfit with her blonde long hair pulled back into a tight ponytail, making sure that it wouldn't get into her eyes as she worked. Her eyes were soft and partially downcast as if she wanted to give Light some privacy, yet couldn't.

"I am here to change your bandages." She explained, indicating the medical supplies she had brought with her. Light nodded in understanding and sat up in the bed before he frowned.

"Bandages…?" He asked in confusion. He glanced down at his body more for emphasis than anything else, as most of his body still was covered by his duvet. _What is she talking about?_ Light's sleep fogged mind wondered, not quite able to comprehend the situation.

"The bandages around your throat, from your… accident. I'm here to change them. And now that you are awake I'd like to inform you about the pain pump you have here. If you click this button it will give you a pre-set dose of morphine. I have been administering it for you frequently while you have slept. Feel free to use it whenever you are in pain. The timer on it will assure that you don't get too much. Oh, and I would also like to give you some other medicine as well." She explained in a rush as she sat the tray down on his nightstand; she seemed anxious about something. She moved carefully towards Light, feeling his forehead. When she didn't find that he had a fever she put one of her hands on his shoulder in a comforting way.

"Why…" Light began as he lifted his hand towards his throat to feel for the supposed bandages. He flinched as pain shot through his throat as he touched it, which was to be expected after having been strangled, what did surprise him however, was that he also felt some sort of soft fabric wrapped around his throat. _Are there really bandages there? Why on earth would I need bandages for a strangle wound? Did something else happen, after I passed out?_ He thought in confusion.

"Light-san? Do you remember what happened to you?" She asked carefully, clearly scared of upsetting him.

"I was strangled…?" Light suggested before he had the time to think his answer through, his mind was cloudy and not processing things as fast as usual, making him unable to pull on the carefully crafted mask of haughty aloofness that he normally wore. The moment the words had left his mouth, he realised from the expression on the nurse's face that it was not what she had expected to hear, and he cursed his own mouth for betraying him. The nurse's face fell before her expression turned into one of worry.

"Do you wish to talk to one of our psychiatrists…? I don't think I should be the one to tell you…" She said tentatively, clearly not wanting to incite a violent reaction from her patient.

 _What is this…?_ Light thought in confusion. He remembered the event clearly, yet the way the nurse was talking made him feel as if there was something he was forgetting. As if there was more to the story than he could recall, but that couldn't be right. _No one saw it. They wouldn't believe the truth even if I told them, except for maybe L, who knows of the Death Note already, and is probably already susceptible to believing in supernatural occurrences. Perhaps he was the one who found me, and fabricated some sort of believable lie?_

"No. it's ok, what I meant to say is that I had a hallucination of being strangled. I was suffering from a mild concussion, so that was probably what caused it. The actual event is rather fussy in my mind, probably because of the morphine, so if you'd just refresh my memory…?" Light said, indicating the IV tube with the box attached to it. It took a great deal of effort for him to pull himself enough together to produce a believable lie, but he had to know what everyone thought had happened to avoid being put in a mental hospital, if it even was avoidable at that point.

"I really shouldn't say anything but, I suppose… The wounds on your neck – the clawing marks – you made them yourself. You locked yourself in a bathroom apparently, and did… that." She said quietly, leaning a bit closer to Light as she spoke, but Light couldn't really hear what she said. All he could hear was a ringing in his ears as he tried to process what he'd just been told. The words _"You made them yourself"_ echoed through his mind, clearer and clearer, drowning out the ringing noise, yet they seemed distant, so _unreal._ He barely listened as she continued talking, his thoughts frozen in disbelief and shock. "The doctors said you were either suffering from a psychosis or attempted to… kill yourself." She added.

"Of course." Light said distantly, just to say _something._ In truth, he was at a loss of words. _What about my reflection? I felt his hands around my throat; I remember it so clearly…_ Light thought. What the nurse was saying didn't make sense, it wasn't how he remembered it. But if it wasn't real, what was?

"Yagami-san? Are you ok?" She asked, the concern evident in her voice. She gently squeezed Light's shoulder in what he assumed was supposed to be a comforting manner. To him it merely added to the growing feeling of claustrophobia. The walls were nearing in on him from every angle, trying to suffocate him all over again. He'd felt this way before, yesterday, or the day before yesterday; however long it had been, and it scared him. It required every ounce of focus and energy he had to keep his breath calm and steady. When he thought he had himself under control he forced his gaze to focus on the nurse standing next to him and made a grimace that was supposed to resemble a smile. It was obvious that he didn't pull it off very well because the nurse's face contorted into a worried frown.

 _Why is it so hard…?_ Light thought. Everything seemed so hopeless. He couldn't even convince one nurse that he was ok.

"I apologise, I shouldn't have said anything. I will go get one of our psychiatrists now, don't take these until I'm back, I have to see you do it." She said. She gestured towards a small cup off pills standing on the tray she had brought and a glass of water before she began pulling away from Light with the intention of leaving the room. This spurred the gears in Light's head into action. He couldn't allow them to drug him more than they already had; it would make him weak and defenceless. It was the last thing he needed.

"Wait-" He forced out, making the nurse stand still, looking intently at him. "I'm fine." He forced out, willing his voice to say even and his expression to morph into a pleasant one.

"Are you sure…?" She asked sceptically.

"Yes. I just want to ask one thing of you." He said.

"What may that be?" She asked, leaning closer to Light again.

"Could I… _see_ it? When you change the bandages? Could you let me see the wounds? In a mirror?" Light asked tentatively. He knew that he needed to know the truth. He also knew that the nurse had no reason to lie to him, but he still had to see it to believe it. He had always had a sharp memory, painfully so at times, therefore he needed visual proof that his own memory was lying to him, before he was ready to believe a word of what the nurse was saying.

"I don't know." She said sceptically.

"I'll be fine, I have a strong stomach. Please, I just wish to see how bad it is. Will it scar?" Light said, as if he was just making casual conversation. It required a great deal of effort to pull of the act, and the nurse eyed him critically for a rather long moment before she finally acquiesced to his request.

"Fine. I happen to have a make-up mirror in my pocket." She said, pulling out a small round mirror from one of her breast pockets.

"Thank you." Light said as he took the mirror from her. He lifted the mirror in front of himself, and could clearly see the bandages she was talking about. He moved his head slowly to the left and then to the right, to get a look at the sides as well. As he did, he became aware of the continuous dull pulsating sensation in his neck. He was surprised that he hadn't noticed it earlier.

 _It can't be…?_ Light thought. Not quite able to comprehend what he was seeing.

"It will probably leave some scarring, but the doctor did a good job of patching you together again." She explained gently as Light studied himself in her mirror. "I'll change your bandages now, tell me if it hurts or if you feel sick." She said as she prepared the bottle of antiseptic and the cotton swabs she intended to clean the wound with.

"Yes, of course… go ahead." Light muttered distractedly, all his attention focused on the bandages around his neck. He could see the nurse leaning closer to him out of the corner of his eyes, and through the mirror, he could see her small hands loosen the bandage and then slowly unwrap it. It felt like an eternity that he sat like that; completely still, waiting for his supposed wounds to be revealed. Slowly more and more skin was revealed. First he could only see the angry red colour of the skin that had been just under the bandages. Then the edges of his wounds started peeking over the top of the bandages. His breath hitched as he saw the dark redish-brown colour that went in straight lines along his throat, the skin on each side held together by black stitches.

As the nurse finally lifted away the end of the bandage, completely revealing Light's throat it was as if the world had stopped. For a few seconds Light forgot how to breathe as he stared at his own reflection. It felt as if someone had ripped the floor away from underneath his legs, tearing his already fragile balance away from him. There were patches of skin that clearly didn't belong on his throat sewn on in a meticulous pattern, making his throat look like some sort of sick jigsaw puzzle.

Light watched as the nurse began dabbing the cotton on his wounds, but he could barely feel the sting of the antiseptic being applied directly to his wounds. After what felt like only a few seconds, his throat was wrapped up in a new bandage again and the nurse was asking if he was feeling ok.

"Of course…" He answered distantly, practically on autopilot. The image of his own throat still burned into his mind.

"Here, the doctor says you need to take these pills. It is Risperdal, Prozac and multivitamins, it's nothing dangerous." She said in what was supposed to be a reassuring way. She picked up both the glass of water and the tiny container holding the different pills in it, and proffered them to Light. Light moved his head stiffly in a nod, not accepting the items the nurse was holding out towards him. His thoughts were still frozen on that horrid image of his mutilated body.

"Yagami-san?" The nurse asked, her voice once again concerned. This snapped Light out of daze. He forced himself to focus as he became aware of the imminent threat of being drugged senseless.

"You are giving me antidepressants and anti-hallucinogenic pills." Light commented offhandedly, all personal thoughts pushed away from his mind, as his sole focus became to avoid swallowing those pills.

"Y-yes." The nurse said hesitantly, clearly not having expected Light to know exactly what kinds of medicines they were administering to him.

"Who made the decision that this was necessary?" Light asked, meeting her gaze head on, intent on getting the truth, and only the truth from her. Generally, people tended to be more honest when they had to look someone straight in the eye, preferring to focus their gaze on something else while lying. If she lied, Light would call her out. He was hoping she would like most people, who were too embarrassed to be caught lying to attempt lying again to someone's face. If not he would talk it out of her; he could do that; he was good at talking. At least that was what his drug riddled mind was trying to convince itself that it was.

"Your surgeon and psychiatrist made the decision together. They'd rather have you in the ICU on suicide watch, but your ward insisted that it was unnecessary." She said in a rush, too startled by the direct question to filter her words.

 _Suicide watch…?_ Light thought, feeling all colour drain from his face.

"I see. Well then at least taking these pills seem fair." He said, earning a relieved smile from the nurse as he finally accepted the container with the pills and the glass of water from her.

"In our care you'll be all better in no time. Things get rough sometimes, but it gets better after a while." She said, clearly trying to be comforting. Light felt more disgusted and defiled by her words than anything. Those weren't words that belonged to his persona. He was supposed to be flawless.

Light tipped the pills into his mouth and took a huge gulp of water. He trapped the pills against his palate as he swallowed the water. Then he pretended to descend into a coughing fit, coughing violently into his hand. The motions made the stitches in his throat hurt and his eyes watered up with very real tears in response, making it all seem so much more convincing. Within a second, the nurse was taking the glass and small paper container out of his hands so that he didn't have to focus on holding them steady while he coughed.

The moment she turned her back to Light to place the items back onto the tray she had brought with her, Light spit the pills into his hand and allowed them to slide down the inside of his sleeve. When the nurse turned back towards him, he pretended to finally have regained control of his coughing fit, and smiled disarmingly at her.

"Those pills were bigger than I had expected." He said innocently.

"Don't worry, you aren't the only one who has trouble. Next time you should take them one at a time." She said as she bended forwards, her hand reaching towards Light's chin. Light had to force himself to sit still as she pulled his mouth open and looked inside.

"Tongue up." She commanded. Light obediently did as she said. "Good." She said in a satisfied manner after concluded that there were no pills hidden in Light's mouth.

"Well, that was it. Do you want anything else?" She asked as she picked up the tray, clearly ready to leave the room.

"No, I'm fine thanks." Light said, suddenly feeling exhausted. It had taken everything he had to put on a show for the nurse, and now that the danger was over, he was coming down from his adrenaline high.

"Ok, don't hesitate to call for us if you want anything." She said cheerfully. Clearly satisfied that she had gotten the "suicidal" patient to take his pills without incident.

"I won't." Light said, laying down on the bed again. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than for the nurse to leave as he drifted into oblivion.

 _I wonder why the voice has been so silent today…_ Was the final thought that passed through Light's mind before the darkness took over.

 **-x-**

 **So, Light totally did not see that one coming. At least he's alive? Albeit a bit mutilated…? Don't be mad plz?**

 **\- RIDDLE TIME! -**

 **So! I don't know if any of you have noticed the little "Easter egg"/bonus thingy yet? It's not much of a big deal but yeah, there's something there. Anyhow I'm gonna be really vague and ask if you know what it is, and then I'll give you another hint when I post the next chapter. If you know what it is then you can comment: "I know what it is" (or something similar), but please don't spoil it for the others! If you aren't certain, but think you have an idea then feel free to send me a PM with what you think is the answer, and I'll tell you if it's correct or not. The answer will be revealed when I run out of hints to give you, so in a few chapters give or take. ! The reason for this is that I hope to get an idea of how many are able to figure out stuff like this, and how much I can "hide" in my stories without it being a complete waste.**


	7. Ch 7: Rain Becomes a Lullaby

**I just want to start out by saying thank you to everyone for your reviews, favourites and follows so far! It's so amazing to see that people actually like my story!**

 **Regarding the plot in these chapters, I will just warn you that I am pulling most of the hospital-related stuff out of my ass, even though my mother is a nurse and I personally aspire to become a doctor… I just didn't feel like asking about and/or googling lots of random stuff. If something is horribly wrong then please do tell me and I will change it asap.**

 **So I have had a 'guest-beta' for this chapter along with Morcuen, because I want two peoples opinions on some of the upcoming chapters along with this one. Things are getting serious in the story, and it is getting harder to write the story well.**

 **Proofread by: Morcuen & Kenedy**

 **Word count: 5167**

 **Chapter 7: Rain Becomes a Lullaby**

Light was right between the world of dreams and consciousness, at that moment right before one wakes up without any sense of the passing of time and the space around oneself. He listened as tentative raindrops began falling from the sky, hitting the outside of the window. The sound reached him in a way that made it sound as if the window was miles away from him, at the end of a narrow corridor. As if the noise echoed against the walls, bouncing off the surface as it travelled towards him.

 _Drip… Drop… Drip-drop…_

He was wrapped in what felt like cotton, and it was hugging him from every angle with equal pressure, making it feel as if he was suspended mid-air, his body light as a feather. Through thoughts that weren't really thoughts, but disconnected ideas and feelings, he contemplated his current situation. He'd never have believed it was a very comfortable state to be in until that moment, yet, to his surprise, he didn't want to leave. Had he told himself that he would be lingering right on the edge of wakefulness before right then, then perhaps he's been scared of it, thinking that he'd have no control of himself, but somehow, even though he _did_ have no control at that moment, it felt like a relief to him.

 _Drip-drop. Drip-drop…_

Yet, the moment you realised that you were in this state, it would already be too late. The increasingly persistent sound of the water droplets hitting the window was slowly pulling him away from his comfortable state of just _being._ Of not having to worry about anything or anyone.

 _No…_ He was already feeling sorry for the loss, despite not having left that safe haven completely yet. The moment he woke up, he knew reality would impose on his current feeling of calm, forcing him to _think._ Think about what was going to be his next step in his own great scheme, which he himself had managed to fuck up because of his own hesitancy.

 _Drip, drop. Drip, drop._

 _Just like a clock, like time itself. Ticking away…_ He thought sardonically as the remnants of sleep was finally pushed away.

 _Tick, tock. Tick, tock._

As Light lay there, he became acutely aware of the noise in the hall outside his room. He could hear the nurses talk in loud voices as they rushed about. Just as he came to the conclusion that that had to mean that he had slept until the next day, and that it wasn't night time anymore, the door to his room was pushed open. In the doorway stood the same nurse that had changed his bandages last night. Additionally a male nurse whom he hadn't seen before. Both were carrying trays of food, on which Light assumed was his and Claire's breakfasts.

"Good morning Yagami-san, the doctors says that you can attempt eating soft foods today, and if you manage that without problem we can remove the needle which is currently supplying you with nutrition intravenously." The nurse said happily.

Light made an effort not to groan as he pulled himself into a sitting position in his bed, despite the pain that shot mercilessly through his throat at the motion.

"That sounds good." Light said when he was finally sitting upright, his voice softer than it usually was in an attempt to avoid croaking when he spoke. It was only partially successful, and he cursed himself inwardly at the display of weakness.

The nurse smiled in response and placed the tray in his lap. Light eyed the food sceptically, seriously doubting whether he'd be able to eat it without inflicting tremendous amounts of pain upon himself. On his tray, there was a pudding, a yoghurt, something he couldn't quite identify but it looked utterly disgusting, a nutrition drink and a glass of water.

"Have I been given more morphine while I slept?" Light asked, partly out of curiosity, partly to push the moment he had to attempt eating anything a few seconds further into the future.

"Yes, you looked like you were in pain while you slept so… hehe." The nurse replied ruefully, looking like a kid caught doing something wrong. Light scoffed, but decided against answering.

"Do you need any help?" The nurse asked when she saw that Light didn't move to eat his food.

"No, I'm just trying to figure out what will hurt the least to eat." He said honestly. For some reason the nurse took this statement as a joke because she actually began laughing at his worsd. Her laugh was very high pitched. It grated at his ears, and Light had to suppress the urge to tell her to shut up.

"If you want something salty that one is actually spaghetti with pasta sauce, as you can tell it's been through the smoothie blender." She said, pointing at the unidentifiable goo.

Light wrinkled his nose and decided to make an attempt at eating the yoghurt. He wasn't really feeling adventurous, and the pudding would be too sweet for breakfast. He opened the yoghurt clumsily, his fingers weaker than he had expected them to be. After the task was done, he took the spoon that had also been on the tray, scooped up a spoonful of yoghurt, and lifted it into his mouth.

Despite Light's assumptions about how horrible eating would be, it wasn't really all that bad. It did hurt, of course, but the feeling of the cool yoghurt sliding down his oesophagus felt strangely soothing to his throbbing throat. Seeing that Light continued to eat the yoghurt without expressing great amounts of pain the nurse let out a relieved sigh before she began talking again. Light was already growing tired of the talkative woman; she reminded him an awful lot of Misa.

"I recommend you drink the nutrition drink as well, they contain all of the nutrition you could expect to get from a single meal, it is a great alternative. We give it to most of our patients, not just those who struggle eating. Oh! And here are your pills." She said, pointing to a small paper cup that contained what he assumed was the same mixture of pills that he had been given the evening before.

"Yeah, sure." Light muttered through his spoonfuls of yoghurt. After he'd begun eating it he had realised how hungry he really was.

 _Despite getting intravenous nutrition my stomach hasn't been filled up since… how long have I been here anyway?_ Light thought with a frown.

"How long have I been here?" Light asked the nurse, instantly regretting his decision. Her face darkened with worry the moment the words left his mouth, clearly thinking that his question was another sign of his mental unstableness. The evening before she'd been shocked when she found out that her patient could be delusional, because she normally didn't treat severely mentally ill patients. They belonged in a different ward. The moment she had learnt of Light's circumstances, she'd doubted whether it was correct to have him in her ward. The evening before her doubt had deepened further, and soon turned into worry; they didn't have equipment intended for dealing with mental patients. Light had acted so normal after that however, that her anxiousness had been soothed greatly, however she still felt on edge, and was ready to have Light moved the moment she thought it would be save to keep him with another patient anymore.

"I've been sleeping most of the time since I arrived, or at least I think I have, therefore it's been impossible to keep track of the passing of time." Light quickly amended, hoping that the nurse would take it for what it was.

"Oh. That makes sense." She said, and nodded sagely, clearly reassuring herself – of what Light didn't know. "You were brought in late in the morning two days ago."

Light nodded in response. He didn't know what he'd been expecting, but two days wasn't awfully long.

"Claire? Claire what is wrong!" The male nurse suddenly yelled from the other side of the room, drawing the attention of Light and his nurse towards the other two occupants in the room. Claire was clearly struggling to catch her breath. She was clutching her chest tightly as she descended into a couching fit. The display was reminding Light of his own choking experience two days prior. Within seconds, his hunger was replaced by an uncomfortable churning in his stomach, as if he was going to throw up.

Light's nurse rushed over to the other end of the room after having pressed the button that alerted the others, informing them that there was an emergency going on. Meanwhile the male nurse was reading off the numbers on the display next to Claire's bed.

"Her blood pressure is sinking rapidly!" The male nurse said in a rather loud voice, probably to make sure he was heard over Claire. "Don't lay back down." He said in a calmer voice, this time directed at Claire, who nodded feebly through her coughing.

"Godammit!" Cursed the blonde nurse who'd been attending to Light. She was already preparing Claire's bed to be rolled out of the room as a bunch of people, presumably doctors and nurses, burst into the room.

"Blood pressure is sinking rapidly and she is struggling majorly to breathe properly." The male nurse informed the newly arrivals.

"Internal bleeding then, we have to cut her open stat." One doctor said, immediately taking the lead, and pulling the bed out from the wall.

"Her breathing issues?" The male nurse who'd originally been attending to Claire said questioningly.

 _Breathing issues? That's one way of putting it…_ Light thought with a scoff as he observed the herd of doctors and nurses pushing Claire's bed towards the door of the tiny hospital room, while making poor attempts at soothing her through her struggles. The doctor who was taking the lead exploited the lack of movement as the nurses opened the door so that they all could get through, to press his stethoscope to Claire's back. Light assumed he was listening to her lungs or something like that. His suspicions were confirmed as the doctor finally answered the nurse's query.

"There are gurgling sounds in her lungs, it is highly probable that fluids are accumulating there. Perhaps some of the bleeding is leaking into her respiratory system? No matter what the cause we have to drain her lungs while we operate." The doctor said, earning shocked looks form the others. This was clearly not common practice, Light noted warily.

"That is too risky!" One of the other new arrivals exclaimed.

"It is our only choice. If we don't operate her immediately she'll die from blood loss, and if we don't drain her lungs she'll drown in her own bodily fluids." The doctor said pointedly, and then he began pulling Claire's bed out the door. The others rushed to help, and soon Light was left alone in a rather eerie silence.

Light distantly noted that it was the only time he was likely to be alone, and decided to get rid of the pills while he could. He fished the ones he had hidden in his sleeve the night before out of their hiding spot and grabbed the ones he'd been brought that day before he got carefully out of bed. As Light stood from the bed, he realised – to his great horror – that he actually had a urine bag attached to his leg. He stared at the offensive object for a long moment before he decided that he would remove it in the bathroom. There the risk of being walked in on wasn't as prominent.

He grabbed the IV pole with the bags that contained morphine and liquid nutrition was hanging, and began walking slowly towards the door next to the exit of the room, which he assumed was the bathroom. When Light pulled the door open, he was relieved to find that he had been correct in his assumption.

The first thing he did was walk straight over to the toilet, into which he threw all the pills before he flushed. After the pills were safely disposed of, the real challenge arose; removing the catheter.

Light pulled up his hospital gown and looked stonily at the tip of his penis where the catheter disappeared up his urine tract. He reached down and pulled tentatively at the catheter. The careful tugging didn't hurt in the slightest. This gave Light courage, so he decided to pull out the catheter in one go. He gave the thing a firm tug and immediately regretted it.

As the thing was torn out of him his lower region was assaulted by a completely unexpected and excruciating pain. A loud yell forced itself out of his mouth as he fell backwards against the wall.

Light closed his eyes and allowed himself to slide against the wall and down to the floor, fighting the urge to throw up what little he had managed to eat for breakfast. When the pain had mostly subsided, Light opened his eyes to look at the catheter, wondering what had caused its extraction to be so torturous.

 _How could I be so_ stupid. _Of course there would be something securing it in place…_ Light mentally berated himself when his gaze found the item laying innocently on the floor, barely a meter in front of him. At the very tip of the catheter – the part that had been inside him – there was a small balloon-like thing. It was clearly there to make sure that the catheter wouldn't slide out of the patients urine bladder as they moved around.

Just as Light managed to pull himself to his feet, someone knocked carefully on the door. There weren't any locks on the door, so even if Light had wanted to lock the door he hadn't been able to, therefore he was surprised that whoever was standing on the other side even bothered knocking.

"Yes?" Light called out, not feeling up to letting the other person in on his own.

"May I enter?" A girly voice asked. Light recognised it as the voice belonging to the same blonde nurse who'd brought him food and changed his bandages.

"Yes." Light said while he stared down at his feet. He was bracing himself for the reaction he knew was going to come the moment she entered and saw that he had removed the cursed catheter by himself.

The door was slowly pushed open, and the nurse walked carefully in before she stopped dead in her tracks. To her credit she didn't gasp or make any exclamations, she just stood there, completely still for a few moments.

"I didn't think removing it on my own was that bad, until I felt the pain and saw the balloon like thing on the end." Light said quietly as explanation for his current predicament, still keeping his gaze fixed on his own feet.

"Are you feeling alright?" She asked, completely calm; almost infuriatingly so.

"Yes, the pain has subsided." Light said with a slight shrug.

"That is good, do you think you will be able to continue going to the toilet on your own?" She asked.

"Yes, I refuse to have another one of those... _in_ me again." Light said finally looking up from his feet and meeting her gaze. He wanted to make it clear that he would not cooperate if they attempted to insert another catheter into him.

"That is fine then. Do you want help getting cleaned up?" She asked, still standing in the same spot on the floor.

"I didn't soil myself." Light said, a trace of indignation in his voice as he spoke. The nurse raised an eyebrow in question at this but seemed not to want to argue.

"Well then you should get back in bed, you need rest to allow your wounds to heal, and I'll clean up the mess, sound fair?" She said.

"Sure, I'll finish the nutrition drink then." Light said before he began walking shakily out of the bathroom and back to his bed.

"Good. I'll get cleaning supplies, I'll only be gone for a minute. Call me if you need anything." She said when Light was safely situated in his bed again. "Oh, and my name is Sophie." She added, almost as an afterthought as she walked out of the hospital room.

"Yeah, whatever." Light said his gaze fixed on the empty bed on the other side of the room. When he was in the bathroom, he'd been too distracted to really think about it, but now that he was back in his bed and all alone in the room again the situation started to sink in. Claire, the kind and pretty woman who had told him that she would soon be out of the hospital was suddenly on the verge of death. He was surprised to find that the entire situation actually had an impact on him, in what way he wasn't quite certain yet.

 _I judge people so easily, taking their lives away as easily as I breathe, so why should the death of one human being matter?_ Light thought as he absently sipped on the nutrition drink he'd been served. It wasn't particularly tasty, but at least it didn't taste as bad as it smelled. The drink was supposed to taste and smell like chocolate milk, which it definitely didn't. The smell was what he imagined liquefied dogfood would smell like; it was extremely nauseating. As long as he made an effort not to breathe as he drank it however, it merely tasted like ground fibre of some sort, not all that much on other words. He didn't really want to drink the drink at all, but he wasn't feeling up to having Sophie on his case because he didn't finish it. The prospect of having one of his IV's removed was also a motivational boost for him.

He had only had one conversation with Claire, and he didn't feel as if he'd really connected with her, yet he felt sympathetic towards her. Watching her struggle had brought the memories of the sensations of being strangled back to the front of his mind. Light absently lifted his free hand to feel the bandages around his neck. From the moment the nurse had told him what really had happened that day, his memory of the event had slowly started warping until he could clearly picture what had truly happened. The image of his reflection strangling him was still there, but when he had supposedly clawed at its hands he had really clawed at his own throat, and the blood that had been dripping from their hands was his own, and only his own, because he knew now that there hadn't been anyone else there. He'd been completely alone.

 _I am Kira, I control life and death, yet people still die without me interfering. What is the point in being a God if I can't save those who deserve it? And what about all those people who didn't deserve to die? I killed dozens of people just because they were in my way… Raye Penber… Naomi Misora… And L. I know I can't kill him, I just can't. Losing him; ending this game; the boredom alone would kill me, let alone the loss of_ him. _Yet I have to go on, there is no way out for me; if I give up on being Kira then Ryuk will kill me._

 _My achievements in school and at home mean nothing in real life._ _Without Kira and L then I am nothing. I'd perhaps find a normal job somewhere, probably with the NPA, and then I'd live my life like that. Surely I'd excel at whatever I chose to do, and advance at an astounding pace until I reached the very top and then- what? What would I do then? Then I'd be stuck. Doing the same thing over and over. Even if I manage to give up being Kira without Ryuk killing me, there will be nothing for me. I'd die after a few years of being stuck in the same pattern; same habits. And to give up being Kira I would have to give up my memories. How much would I remember then? Would L still matter to me? Would L leave the entire taskforce behind the moment he realised that Kira was gone? Would he leave… me?_ Light clenched the bottle containing his nutrition drink.

 _At least L would never be able to figure the case out… He'd just think I was set up from the beginning. He'd never know how thoroughly he defeated me…_ Light thought bitterly. He hadn't been able to really think for a week, constantly plagued by the strange voice in his mind, which he was becoming more and more certain had been his own all along. Now he wasn't so sure he wanted the freedom to think on his own anymore; because any thought he was able to conjure up hurt.

He had realised why it hurt so much every time he had to remind himself how little L cared for him. He suspected that he'd known it since the day he got his memories back, he'd just refused to admit it; to adamant on clinging to his role as Kira; as the god and saviour of the world.

He knew he was pathetic. Just like the voice in his head had told him; just like he'd told himself.

And now there was the shame as well. L, at least, would think that he'd tried to kill himself, along with all the doctors and nurses who partook in his surgery and aftercare. He suspected the taskforce would know as well. And his family. And then he'd never be left alone again. He'd be forced to endure hours upon hours with some psychiatrist who was supposed to _understand_ him, and make him better. He'd be put on pills, probably stronger ones than what they were trying to give him already, because no one could ever understand him. And if he ever opened his mouth about being Kira, then that would be it. He'd be executed.

 _Wonder who'll get me first…? Ryuk or L?_ Light thought sardonically, a raw, harsh laugh tearing itself from his throat. It sounded more like barking than anything else to Light, but he didn't care. Sophie hadn't heard him either. Or perhaps she just didn't care. It was her job to at least pretend to care, but that didn't mean she had to really _mean it._ It didn't matter either way. It didn't make any difference to Light if some random nurse cared about his well being or not. There was only one person whose opinion he cared about, and that person didn't care about him at all.

L knew about Light's self-harm; Light knew that he knew. L had changed his bandages while he slept, likely to avoid Light's blood from soiling his bed linen. After that he'd refused to acknowledge Light's suffering; his rejection couldn't be more obvious to the brunette. And experiencing such rejection from L had broken Light, even more than he had already been; even more than he thought he could possibly be. Light knew why it all hurt so much, he _had_ figured it out, but even so, his pain refused to relent. He _hated_ it, but he couldn't make it stop. It was boring its way through his heart, through his very _soul._

 _I don't want this pain…_ Light thought. He felt so helpless; so useless. It was breaking him in every way possible and there was no way he could mend himself. He wouldn't even know where to start.

The sensation of something warm and liquid falling onto his hands startled Light back to reality. He looked down at his hands and found them littered by small clear droplets, some of which were continuing their journey along his skin and down towards his duvet.

 _I'm crying in public…_ Light realised and began laughing. He didn't bother trying to hold it back, it was just too comical. It was one of those things his pride and dignity never would have allowed him to do before his life descended into utter chaos.

"Yagami-san? Are you unwell?" Came Sophie's voice from the door to the bathroom, Light hadn't even noticed when she came back with the cleaning supplies she had told him she was going to get. This realisation only made Light laugh harder; he'd been too lost in his thoughts to pay attention to his surroundings.

"Yagami-san!" Sophie said more insistently, now she was standing next to his bed, laying her hand on his shoulder in what he assumed was supposed to be a comforting manner.

"I'm-" Light started speaking, intending to tell her that he was ok, but the words just wouldn't leave his mouth. And for some reason his brain decided to log off and let his mouth take control again. "I'm not fine. It hurts. everything hurts." He said, his maniacal laughing turning into hysterical sobs.

Light buried his face in his hands as his body was shaking with his sobbing, therefore he didn't notice the syringe the nurse pulled out from one of her pockets. It wasn't until he felt the needle penetrate his skin in the junction between his shoulder and neck that he realised what the nurse was doing.

"No-" He said feebly, the effects of the sedative taking over his body almost immediately.

"Shhh. You need more rest dear." The nurse said, guiding his body back towards the pillows. Light was too weak to do anything but glare angrily at the nurse as his vision grew darker and darker around the edges until everything went black.

-x-

L was wandering aimlessly around the corridors of the headquarters. He had seen the blueprints of the building before the construction of it had even begun, and knew the layout by heart, but he'd never actually _been_ to every part of it before. Since Light had been admitted to the hospital L had been too distracted to get ay work done, therefore he had taken to wandering around headquarters in search of… something. He didn't really know what he was looking for, and he highly doubted it was something that could be found that easily, but it was better than sitting still all day while pretending to work. When he wasn't in the main room he could just lie and tell the others that he was doing some work on his own whenever he saw them. He and Watari were the only ones with access to all of the security footage. On the big screens in the main room, it was only possible to display Misa's apartment and the main room itself without L giving his consent for Watari to override the system. The only time it had been necessary for L to do this was during their investigations of the Yotsuba Corporation, when they'd watched the footage from the meeting room where they'd been holding their secret Kira-meetings.

L's mindless strolling through the corridors were interrupted by the screeching sound of his phone's ringtone. He looked at it with disdain before he answered.

"What is it?" He asked monotonously. He immediately regretted answering the phone as soon as he opened his mouth; he really didn't feel like talking to anybody, not even Watari.

" _It seems Light had another episode, they had to sedate him."_ Said Watari. L's eyes widened in shock as what the older man was telling him sunk in.

"What happened? Is he alright?" L asked hurriedly. As he thought about Light hurting himself again his heart skipped a beat and it felt as if an uncomfortable knot was forming in his stomach, making him feel slightly unwell and dizzy.

" _I do not know the details but he didn't have the opportunity to hurt anyone, himself included. It was the decision of the nurse taking care of him to sedate him before the situation escalated. They believe the catalyst was his roommate. It seems she was rushed out of the rooms because she needed immediate surgery. Light hasn't been informed of it yet, but they surgeons weren't able to save her. She passed away."_ Watari explained calmly, _too_ calmly. L's eyes narrowed at the lack of emotional inflection in his guardian's voice, but deemed it less important than making sure that Light was fine.

"Prepare the car immediately, we will go visit him at once." L said curtly, however just as he was about to hang up he heard Watari's calm voice from the other end of the phone.

" _No. You can't go see him L."_

 _What?_ L thought in shock at the older man's unexpected refusal to cooperate.

"That was an order, Watari." L said, struggling to keep his voice under control. His worry for Light was rapidly turning into fury that Watari didn't want to cooperate. Didn't the old man understand that he had to see for himself that Light was fine?

" _The rest of the taskforce will wonder where we are going, and why. They may take our absence as an opportunity to do whatever they please. What will you do if Soichiro decides to visit Light?"_ Watari said evenly, and despite his seemingly polite disposition L felt as if he was explaining something to a disobedient child who couldn't think on their own.

"Watari, I will not have you talk to me that way." L said angrily, greatly dissatisfied at the feeling of being chided, even if it wasn't Watari's intention.

" _I have never questioned your judgement before, but right now you are acting irrationally. Think of your role as L."_ Watari said pleadingly.

"Watari-" L began, however this time Watari actually interrupted him before he had the opportunity to say what he wanted.

" _L! Are you even listening to what I am saying?"_ Watari snapped. This took L completely by surprise; _never_ had his guardian raised his voice while talking to him, nor had he ever had the need to.

"I apologise. I am acting irrationally." L said monotonously, all the anger completely gone from his voice. Watari's outburst had made him realise that what he was doing was indeed _irrational._

 _So this is what my feelings towards Light have done to me…_ L thought blandly.

" _No. That is quite alright."_ Watari said evenly, his voice back to normal. L actually smiled at that; the old man had been around L for a long time, and had gotten almost as good at controlling his emotions as L himself was.

 _Or used to be. It seems like I am losing my touch…_

"Continue as you were; keep me updated on Light's status." L said and hung up the phone.

 _If I can't pull myself together in a situation like this any longer, perhaps it is time to appoint a successor soon…_ L thought sardonically as he continued his strolling.

 **-x-**

 **Ah! Did you see that? Could it be foreshadowing? Or could I be trying to distract you? And poor Light, it seems someone really has it in for him in this story. Wonder who that could be? *whistles innocently and looks the other way.***

 **And oh my gosh nutrition drinks are disgusting! As a person who has been severely underweight and forced to drink them in a poor attempt to make me gain weight I can vouch for this! I am allergic to gluten, and was unable to gain any weight until we found out about it and I cut gluten completely out of my diet… (I miss bread that doesn't become dry overnight…)**

 **\- RIDDLE TIME! -**

 **So, no one got it last chapter, which wasn't entirely unexpected. I can add that this is something that was impossible to notice at the beginning of the story, and has become more and more obvious as it has developed. :D (Again; I am asking for 'educational' purposes, and will use whatever 'results' I get in other stories.)**

 **Thank's for reading!**


	8. Ch 8: Walk Towards the Final Stop

**This chapter was terribly depressing to write, BUT, necessary, and yeah. I think it turned out pretty ok after rewriting it like a thousand times. :D**

 **Sorry for the delay on this chapter, I was in Sweden, and the internet was crap. I am so terribly sorry for the inconvenience. :c**

 **Proofread by: Morcuen**

 **Word count: 4703**

 **Chapter 8: Walk Toward the Final Stop**

 _Tick, Tock…_

Light was once again floating in that nothingness just between wakefulness and sleep. He was vaguely aware of a ticking noise, and was reminded of the dripping from earlier. Or, perhaps it was the other way around? Was the sensation of weightlessness reminding him of the noises he'd heard yesterday? A week ago? He didn't know. Time felt like it was standing completely still while racing at impossible speeds all at once. It was… strange.

Echoes of sounds bounced off the walls of that imaginary corridor, carrying the sound towards him from what felt like miles away. He could hear himself laugh hoarsely, manically and completely uncontrollably and the nurse desperately trying to calm him down.

 _These are memories…_ Some part of his brain passively suggested.

 _Tick, Tock…_

As the ticking sound continued he unwillingly focused on it. As he listened to it he became vaguely aware of how strange it sounded; not at all like a clock, as he'd assumed it was.

 _It's not ticking. Someone are writing something… Who?_

Light shrugged off the half-conscious thought, not wanting his peaceful state to be disturbed.

He floated around in the nothingness for a while, feeling utterly at peace, slipping in and out of a quiet, dreamless sleep. It was a wondrous feeling and he did not ever want it to go away. And for what felt like the longest time it didn't.

It felt like hours passed by with the gentle but persistent sound of the scribbling continually ongoing in the background. Finally, his mind seemed to be completely rested, because he was gradually being assaulted by harsh and very clear thoughts; thoughts he didn't want to have. Thoughts about how L wanted him dead and how impossible it had become for him to kill L. Thoughts about how bothersome his life would be after his hospital stay. And then, just as he opened his eyes and stepped into world of the awoken, thoughts he'd never thought he himself would think.

 _I don't want to live anymore…_

The thought shocked him at first, however after a few minutes of numbing shock he calmed down. And as the feeling returned to his arms and legs accompanied by an uncomfortable prickling, he realised that it actually made sense. Perhaps I was what he'd wanted all along? That _that_ was what he'd already tried to do before he was admitted to the hospital? Perhaps his subconscious mind had just known it before he himself did.

Light didn't have to think about how he would do it. To him there was only one possible solution: he'd write his own name on the piece of paper he kept in his wristwatch. He would have preferred to write in the Death Note itself, but it was under too heavy surveillance for him to get it. Furthermore, he suspected that L would never let him leave the building, at least not without someone following him, after the slip-up he'd had a week earlier. This made it impossible for him to get a hold of the Death Note hidden in the forest as well. As things were, L would never let him out of his sight. If he was lucky he'd probably be able to get there and begin digging it up before he was stopped. That was something he couldn't allow; it would have to be the piece in his wristwatch.

The fact that the piece of the Death Note that he had was already written on was slightly disconcerting. The thought of his name on one side of a piece of paper that bore another dead man's name didn't sit well with him. Especially since that man was Higuchi. He supposed L would find it ironic though, one Kira's name on one side and another Kira's name on the other. For a brief moment Light toyed with the thought of writing Misa's name as well, underneath his own, but he decided against it. He didn't want to defile the piece of the Death Note further than it already was by writing her name on it.

Light turned over to his side and hid his giddy smile in his pillow; a plan had started forming in his mind again. He finally had a purpose, and now he had to make a careful plan to execute it perfectly. With his plan came control, and the control he felt he began having over himself and his own fate again was exhilarating.

It was easy as breathing; thinking about how to end it all. No matter how meticulous he was, how much detail he thought up about his own demise, he was becoming more and more relaxed. He felt as if he was home again somehow. He was doing something he was familiar with, and that something was also something he knew he was good at.

It was easy for Light to make the decision that L was going to be the one to find him. It was the perfect way of spiting the man one last time before he left. The man who refused to acknowledge Light's suffering and emotions; who refused to acknowledge that he was _human._ Which perhaps had been what he'd wanted before; to be seen as some sentient being, that didn't _feel_ the same way others did. Yet, that had been before he had let himself _care._ Light knew it would trouble L, at least to an extent, because this meant that he wouldn't be able to solve the Kira case. _Ever._ No matter how much he _knew_ that Light had been Kira he would never be able to prove it.

"He's awake now." An unfamiliar voice said from somewhere around where Light suspected the door to be and he tensed.

 _Who is in here with me? Why is he here?_ Light already had a vague idea about what was going on; it was to be expected after his earlier display in front of Sophie, but it could prove problematic if he ever wanted to get out of the hospital.

Light slowly turned around in the bed and cracked his eyes open. Right next to the door there was a man dressed in the typical white coat, that all the hospital staff was wearing. Light could see something black peek out of one of his breast-pockets, and assumed it was some sort of communication device, since he hadn't hear the door open and close after the man had spoken. He was also holding a clipboard in his hands and was writing something down until he noticed that he was being watched.

"Your psychiatrist will be in any moment now, Yagami-san." He said, his sharp eyes directed straight at Light.

Light nodded in response, not fazed by the cold man at all, then he proceeded to turn away from the man again. The moment he did so, he could hear the man resumed his fervent writing. This confirmed what Light had already suspected; he had been put in the ICU; on suicide watch. The man was taking note of everything he did, all for the psychiatrist to asses later and decide what his current state of mind was.

 _As if they are able to understand me…_ He thought. He had to supress the urge to huff indignantly at the thought. Instead he closed his eyes and pretended to go back to sleep, as he waited for the psychiatrist to enter. He had to play his cards right if he wanted to ever be allowed to leave the hospital. If he ended up being stuck in there, he might as well admit to being Kira and go to prison; both were equally torturous. He'd be stuck with his thoughts and desire to cease to exist without the ability to do anything about it either way. And that was _not_ something he could allow to happen.

He heard the door open and close, followed by quiet whispers. He held his breath as he tried to discern what they were saying, but they were too far away from the bed. Light gave up and chose instead to sit up and look at the new arrival. It was tall man with slightly greying hair. He wasn't clad in the typical white coat, but beige khakis, a white shirt and a brown tie. He looked over at Light when he noticed that the brunette was moving and smiled brightly at him.

"Yagami-san, I see you are finally up. You slept longer than we anticipated." He said, his voice light and jovial. Light merely frowned in return, not quite ready to talk yet. He needed to assess the other man before he dared make any moves.

"I am Robert. I am you psychiatrist, as I am sure my friend here already has told you." He said as he pulled a chair that had been standing in the corner of the room over to Light's bed, and sat down on it.

"Yes. He told me." Light said in a noncommitting manner.

"Good. Now I am going to ask you a few questions, and hope that you will answer them to the best of your ability. Remember; I am here to help." He said, seemingly trying to come across as trustworthy and kind. It did _not_ work.

 _Why does he have to sound so condescending? Does he really think that will work with me?_ Light thought in annoyance. He nodded to show that he was paying attention, not bothering with a proper answer. He was surprised to find the apprehensiveness slowly draining out of him. It was being replaced by a calm and assertive sense of purpose. He knew that he had to convince the other man that he was sane, no matter what.

"Sophie told me that you experienced a hallucination before you were brought to the hospital. She sedated you because she feared that it was happening again, and that you were going to harm yourself. Is this really what happened?" Robert asked. He seemed to be choosing his words with care in fear of making Light feel bad or afraid.

 _What should I tell him? Should I lie or be honest? What will seem the most believable and sane?_ Light thought. Before he had the time to make up his mind, he realised that he was already answering the doctor. "I was thinking about Claire. She seemed like such a kind woman; the thought of her being in pain didn't sit very well with me." Light answered. He looked at Robert and watched in morbid fascination as the corners of his lips turned downwards and his shoulders tensed.

 _She didn't make it then._ Light concluded somewhere in the back of his mind. He was surprised to find that it didn't affect him at all at that moment. The day before it had been a subject that had brought him great agony, however things had changed since then. The only thing that mattered to him now was his newfound goal.

"I have some bad news for you then Yagami-san… Claire passed away. The surgeons did everything they could." He said grimly while looking directly at Light. Probably watching for any sign of a reaction from the younger man, who was currently sitting completely still in his bed, careful not to betray any emotions. He was contemplating how to react to what he'd just been told. He'd just told his psychiatrist that he'd had a hysteric fit over the thought of losing his roommate, but losing his senses in front of the other man again would probably not be a very good idea.

"Oh…" Light said faintly, letting his face take on a distant look, as if he wasn't really able to let the thought sink in properly. That would buy him some time as he assessed Robert.

"How does that make you feel?" Robert asked gently, again back to using the condescending and annoying tone.

"I… I don't know. It seems so unreal." Light stuttered out, letting his gaze flicker towards Robert before it landed on his own hands, which were clasped together in his lap.

"That is completely normal. Death is a hard thing to deal with. Have you ever lost anyone before?" Robert asked. Despite keeping his gaze fixe upon his own hands, Light could feel the penetrating look he was receiving form the other man.

"No..." Light said quietly, twisting his hands in what would appear as a slightly nervous gesture.

"I see. It will take some time to process. Do you want to keep talking about it or do you want to talk about something else?" Robert asked. Light lifted his head and looked at Robert for a long moment, his features completely blank as he genuinely considered what he should answer. When he finally decided, he turned away from Robert and towards the window to hide his rapidly forming smirk.

"I don't want to talk about… her." Light said, making his voice appear slightly unstable and vulnerable.

"I see. Then I would like to talk a little about what happened the day you were brought here." Robert said. Light could tell it wasn't a question. He knew they had to talk through it before they could even consider what to do with him next. He took a deep calming breath, knowing Robert would interpret it as him collecting himself, which was the truth really. It was just not from the kinds of thoughts the man thought he was having.

"Of course." Light said as he turned his head to face Robert again, a small appreciative smile forming on his face, as if he was relieved by the opportunity to focus on something other than Claire's death.

"Can you please tell me what happened? The way you remembered it." Robert said. Light saw the man standing in the background, readying his clipboard and pen, clearly intending to write down everything Light said. He could tell that both Robert and that man had bought everything he'd said so far.

 _My fate rests on whatever I say from this point on…_ Light thought. He knew he had to downplay his story as much as possible.

"My father is the chief of the NPA, and I am, was, helping him on a case he was working on. Detective work is very tiring and you see a lot of disturbing things. I have been struggling a bit lately with… _negative_ feelings." Light said. It wasn't entirely untrue, and it felt strange to deliver such a veiled version of the truth to the other man. Partial truths was what he'd been feeding L throughout the entire investigation, heck that was what he'd been feeding everyone throughout his entire _life._ Despite this, it felt strangely odd to be doing the same to Robert.

"What kind of feelings?" Robert interjected, making Light pause in his story. He looked at Robert for a long moment before he looked down at his hands and answered, as if ashamed of what he was going to tell the other man. He _was_ ashamed. That he, Light Yagami, had stooped to such a low level was outrageous, but he told himself that it didn't matter anymore. If everything went according to plan he wouldn't be alive for much longer. Things such as pride had no value to the dead. He really _was_ throwing away his pride this time. It was completely useless.

"Fear,-" _Regret._ "-I think was the worst one. I lived in constant fear of becoming a victim myself." Light said slowly, receiving an encouraging nod from Robert. "And low self-esteem," _self-hatred,_ "-at my inability to get anything done. The others seem so much better than me…"

"You are only a student, you can't expect yourself to be able to perform as well as the other experienced detectives." Robert said, clearly trying to make Light feel better.

Light shrugged in response, appearing as if he wasn't entirely convinced by Robert's words, but unwilling to argue with his opinion. He hoped it would make Robert think that he was genuinely trying to change his way of thinking. Something he probably would have, had he been a simpler man, speaking the absolute truth to the psychiatrist.

"Go on." Robert said, clearly deciding not to pursue that particular subject any further; at least not yet.

"These… _feelings._ They affected my sleeping pattern. A lot. I had the most horrible nightmares, and generally didn't get much sleep. On the day I was sent here I hadn't slept at all for two days, I was exhausted. My superior said some things that really affected me, I don't think he meant to make me feel bad, but it was just the final drop." Light said, thinking back at how L had had the audacity to ask him how he felt right after having discovered Light's self-harm. Now that he was able to distance himself from his emotions again, Light realised how incompetent and uncaring the detective really was. He didn't know how to deal with other human beings at all, probably because he didn't care what happened to others. All that mattered to L was his precious cases and his sweets.

"What did he say?" Robert asked, cutting Light off once again. Light frowned and looked at Robert, as if struggling to remember. In reality he wasn't sure what he should tell Robert; it was crucial that his story stayed as logical as possible to make it seem like half of the reason he had done what he'd done was stress and exhaustion.

"He asked if I was done with my report yet. I told him that I wasn't, so he told me to send it to one of the others so that they could finish it instead. Apparently I wasn't working fast enough for his liking." Light said, making it seem as if he was unable to meet Robert's inquiring gaze out of shame.

"Did he say that or are you just assuming?"

"I- No. He didn't say it. But that was what he seemed to think." Light said hesitantly. He grabbed the duvet and pulled it closer to himself, as if shielding himself from his own negative feelings.

"Perhaps he only wanted to lessen your workload. Perhaps he noticed that you were tired and overworked? Has this thought occurred you?" Robert asked.

"No… Maybe. I don't know. He's a rather cold person." Light said, unable to keep the spite out of his voice as he thought about how heartless L was.

"I see. Please continue." Robert said, his voice a bit colder than before. He had obviously read something into the tone in Light's voice.

"I excused myself from the room. I intended to take a break to clear my head, and that was how I ended up in the bathroom. I was just splashing some water in my face and giving myself a pep talk when my reflection suddenly started reaching for me. Or I thought it did, it was obviously just a hallucination." Light paused in his explanation and looked up at Robert. He was surprised to find Robert's face completely unreadable. It seemed the psychiatrist had gone into an analytical observational mode as he listened to Light's story. He was probably comparing all the symptoms Light was listing with what he knew of the inner workings of the human brain, looking for discrepancies and flaws in the explanation.

"How did you react?" He asked evenly, his voice mostly inflectionless. He didn't seem shocked at what Light was telling him at all, and Light had to remind himself that the man was a psychiatrist, and that he probably saw all kinds of lunatics every day.

"I tried to move away, but it was difficult. And then its hands reached my throat as if it was trying to strangle me. I panicked, I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I tried to remove the hands. Clearly that didn't work out very well." Light said with a nervous laughter, indicating the bandages around his throat.

Robert smiled ruefully and nodded in understanding. Clearly working in a hospital made you a bit more robust when it came to wounds and psychoses.

"Does the thought of what happened scare you?" He asked.

"Yes. No. I'm not sure. I don't really understand what happened." Light answered not entirely untruthfully. He had a few ideas about what could have happened, but there were still a few things he didn't understand.

"If I were to take an educated guess, judging from the story you just told me, you were very tired. Your exhaustion caused a hallucination, which happens from time to time, although it is not very normal, and this hallucination scared you to the point where you had a panic attack. Panic attacks do in some cases make it hard for the person experiencing them to breathe, which is probably why you thought you were really being strangled. From there I think it is obvious what happened. It does seem that you were suffering from mild depression beforehand though, which is probably what made you so susceptible to the hallucination and panic attack to begin with… does this sound reasonable to you?"

Light didn't have to feign the surprise he was expressing at the simple explanation he'd just received. It actually made _sense._ He knew that it wasn't the complete truth of what had happened, but most the things he'd withheld from Robert were things he'd already figured out. The only thing he didn't fully understand yet was the voice he'd kept hearing. And what was especially disconcerting was its sudden disappearance. He'd only realised his new purpose a little while earlier, and the voice had been silent for _days._

"I can tell that you are surprised. Why?" Robert inquired. Light had to restrain himself from acting indignant at this question.

 _I am_ surprised _because_ you _, a complete stranger, managed to make sense of something_ I _experienced, and you weren't even there._ Light thought in annoyance.

"No. It makes sense. What you said. It was just a bit unexpected." Light said with a bit of a laugh at the end.

"How does it make you feel now that you know what happened?" Robert asked. He was back to the gentle prodding again, his face contorted into a more pleasant expression.

 _Like you should mind your own business…_ "Great. To be honest I already feel a lot better now after spending a few days here, away from the case." Light said, letting his mouth twist into a small smile to accentuate his words.

"Good. Very good." Robert said with what Light was certain was a completely genuine smile. Robert seemed far more relaxed and open than he had seemed during the start of their conversation, as if he was relieved that it had gone as well as it had.

 _Pfft. You think you have solved some sort of puzzle._ Light thought, suppressing the urge to sneer at the other man.

"Now we should talk about what we are going to do next." Robert said. He leaned back in his chair and allowed himself to sink a bit down into it, taking on a far more relaxed posture.

Light tensed and nodded.

 _This is it._ He thought, his earlier apprehension returning. He was certain he'd put on a good act for the other man, now he would see whether it had paid off or not.

"First of all, I suggest that we move you back into a double room, this seems a bit excessive for you. I'd still like to keep you together with another person however." Robert said, and Light nodded in agreement.

"I do believe we should continue with the medication you have been taking however, at least for a little while. We will have to run a few tests to make sure that there aren't any physical causes for all you experienced. Sometimes an illness or a head injury could cause hallucinations and the like, although it's less likely because people generally are a bit more affected by it afterwards, and you seem to already have recovered a lot." He said, and Light nodded again, a bit more stiffly this time.

"We will have sessions every afternoon, where we will talk about whatever you want to talk about, and I will make regular assessments of your mental state and adjust the dosage accordingly. When we have confirmed that there are no other causes than what we already suspect now, we'll stop with the anxiety and anti-hallucinogenic pills, and simply stick to the anti-depressants. Does this sound agreeable to you?" Robert asked.

"Yes. Of course." Light said with a smile that wasn't entirely fake anymore; Robert was insinuating that if he behaved well he'd be able to stop taking the medication altogether, and that was definitely a good thing. It meant that he could get out of the hospital.

"Very good. I want to work with you, not against you, just keep that in mind. So! That is all for now. Do you have anything else you want to talk about today?" Robert said as he clasped his hand together, clearly eager to wrap up the conversation.

"No, I can't think of anything." Light said with a shrug.

"Great. Then let's conclude our session here, and then you will be moved to a different room tomorrow. Sophie will bring you some food after I leave, if you eat enough she'll remove this one." Robert said, pointing at one of the IV bags hanging on the IV pole that was standing next to the bed. The one containing liquid nutrition Light assumed.

Light nodded and watched as Robert stood from his chair and left the room. To his surprise, the man who had been watching over him and taking notes followed him out of the room.

 _They don't think that I am a danger to myself anymore then._ Light though with a laugh. He couldn't help but find the whole situation comical; he'd just convinced a psychiatrist that he wasn't going to hurt or kill himself so that he could leave the hospital to kill himself.

Light wondered how many others had done the same thing before him, or at least attempted to; he was certain he wasn't the only one.

A few minutes later Sophie arrived with a tray of foods, just as Robert had said. Light made sure to seem friendly and approachable as he chatted casually with Sophie during his meal. The more Light smiled the more encouraged she became to share stories of things she had experienced in life, and Light did the same in turn. Admittedly, most of his stories were slightly altered or just outright lies. He knew his life wasn't what others would consider exciting, except for the period of time when he played tennis, perhaps. And then there was the Kira case of course. That _had_ been rather eventful.

Since Light wouldn't be moved to a double room before the next day Sophie spent a lot of time with him the rest of the day, bringing him food and praising him for everything he ate. For each meal Light could feel his strength return to him. He was grateful of this because it enabled him to leave the bed and visit the bathroom on his own, which meant that he didn't have to have another catheter inserted.

During the entire day Light felt strangely relieved. During his few moments of solitude, he'd mulled this new feeling over, and had come to the conclusion that it was because he had found a purpose for himself again, something to look forward to. He found it ironic that knowing he was going to die soon was something that could soothe him so effectively, but he wasn't complaining. It allowed him to keep his emotions at bay.

When he went to bed that evening he gratefully accepted the blissful feeling of nothingness, not because he couldn't stand being awake. It was because he knew it meant that he would be one day closer to his own end when he woke up again.

 _If death feels even close to this then I can't die soon enough…_ He thought with a happy sigh as he drifted off.

 **-x-**

 **Soooo. Yeah. That happened. At this point I am trying to be extra cheerful to make up for the story. xD Wanna tell me what you think about the story so far? I love to hear your thoughts and opinions!**

 **\- RIDDLE TIME! –**

 **So a few of you were exceptionally close, and one of the anonymous reviewers claim to have an inkling, but since I can't contact you I won't be able to tell if you are right or wrong. So, the extra clue is that this bonus thing I've got going on in this story is something I actually consider myself quite bad at. And it is possible for you to find out what I consider myself bad at on this site, so yah. You probably should be able to figure out what I've got going on now, if you feel like taking the time to do so.**


	9. Ch 9: Tick and Tock Your Time is Up

**I just barely reached my own minimum word count for this chapter, so I apologise if it seems a bit short. I hope it is enjoyable nonetheless. C:**

 **Also I am having a minor heart-attack since I school starts up on Monday. I am literally dying inside. ;_;**

 **Proofread by: Morcuen**

 **Word count: 4328**

 **Chapter 9: Tick and Tock Your Time is Up**

Light watched the tall buildings fly by the windshield, as Watari manoeuvred the car skilfully through the traffic. He'd come to pick Light up from the hospital.

Light had stayed at the hospital for a week. His psychiatrist obviously would have preferred it if he stayed longer, but it seemed L had convinced the hospital personnel that it would be more comfortable for Light to get away from the confinements of the hospital. When Robert informed Light that he would be sent home, he had also told Light that he had talked with his superior. L had apparently assured him that he had never meant to insult Light in any way, after Robert had confronted him over the phone with what Light had told him.

It had been hard for Light not to laugh as he realised how confused L must have been at Robert's sudden accusations. Furthermore, he found it even more amusing that the detective had played along. It was probably because he wanted Light back under his watchful gaze as soon as possible, to make sure that Light didn't suddenly start killing people while he was in the hospital. This thought had sobered Light up quite a bit.

The day after his first conversation with Robert he'd been moved into a room with a young man who couldn't be more than a few years older than Light. Apparently he'd received all sorts of injuries from a sports-related accident, Light wasn't quite sure what kind. The man hadn't talked much, probably because he was pumped full of morphine and slept most of the time. Light hadn't exactly tried very hard at getting to know the man either.

He had, however, made a conscious effort to come off as the perfect role model that he used to be, before he became Kira. The only deviation he'd had from this behaviour pattern was when he'd pretended to break down as he "realised" that Claire _really_ was dead. He knew he'd had to have some sort of reaction or else Robert would become suspicious. After that episode, he was glad that he had gone through with it because a day after Robert had decided that he didn't need his pills anymore. Of course, it made a small difference to Light, who had, against all odds, managed to avoid consuming a single pill during the duration of his stay. He wanted his mind to be as clear as possible when he returned to headquarters. He'd even insisted that he could control when he wanted morphine on his own, and then proceeded to not inject any morphine into himself at all. During the first half day without morphine, the pain in his neck had increased substantially, tempting him to give in and press the button that would inject the morphine into him; however, he had refused to give in. He had not been about to relinquish the control he had finally regained.

Light's newfound purpose made the hospital stay seem just like another one of his games, and nothing had really bothered him. Except maybe for the fact that he'd only had one visitor during the entire week, save from Watari and L who had initially brought him there. It seemed strange that not even his own family had come to visit. What was even more disconcerting than that, was that the one visitor he had had, had been Rem.

The Shinigami had visited him because she was anxious for Light's plans to commence; she wanted L out of the way. As long as he continued to stay alive, there was an ever-present threat to Misa's life. Light and Rem had discussed the matter for a short while, before they made a deal that would complement the plans Light that already had made, in a very beautiful way.

"Why didn't Ryuuzaki come with you when you came to get me?" Light asked Watari, half because he genuinely wanted to know and half because he wanted to break the tense silence that had enveloped them the moment they'd stepped into the car. The only thing that Watari had said since he arrived at the hospital had been "here, you should wear this." as he handed Light a scarf that was as masculine as a scarf could be, which wasn't all that masculine. Light had expected some form of explanation, however he'd received none.

Watari glanced at the boy sitting next to him. He himself wasn't nearly as smart as L; no, L was a one-in-a-million genius, and so Watari always trusted L's decisions.

However, despite this, Watari couldn't help but suspect that maybe Light also was a genius with equal mental capabilities. This thought made him worry about L, because L had never met an equal to himself before, so meeting one might make him draw rash decisions, and maybe even fool himself to believe things that weren't true… Even though Light was L's main suspect, the detective seemed to act a bit too friendly towards the brunette. He wasn't sure if anyone but him noticed. Yet, he'd known the detective for long enough to see that the man wasn't acting like himself.

"L has a lot of work to do, and he knew that you were well taken care of, therefore he saw no point in taking the time to travel to the hospital and back again." Watari finally offered as explanation. After having been around L for so long, his acting had become fairly adequate, and he was confident that Light wouldn't be able to tell that he was lying, if only just because the younger man didn't know him very well.

The truth was that L hadn't been working at all the past week while Light had been gone. He had been wandering aimlessly around the headquarters, not talking to anyone more than was absolutely necessary. He had left it upon Watari to tell the taskforce that Light's concussion had gotten worse, and that Light had had to go to the hospital to receive treatment. Only when Soichiro had insisted on going to visit Light at the hospital, had L personally intervened. He'd told Soichiro that Light didn't want any visitors because he'd rather have them all focus on the investigation than waste time on pitying him.

It had taken quite some time to convince Soichiro, but somehow L had managed it. The only requirement from Soichiro was that Light had to be back within the week. If he wasn't, he'd go to the hospital and visit him no matter what L or Light wanted.

After that, Light had had the breakdown after his roommate was rushed into emergency surgery, and as soon as L received the news, he'd insisted that Watari took him to the hospital. Watari had been shocked at L's request, and promptly refused his ward what he wanted. It was the first time he'd gone against a direct order from L, and L hadn't taken it very well. After their "argument", if it could even be called that, L hadn't talked to him at all for the rest of the week, other than when Watari had contacted him to keep him up to date on Light's status and the general affairs in the world. He wasn't sure whether it was because he'd insulted him, or if it was because he was worried about Light. He found that he'd preferred if the cause was that his disobedient behaviour had angered L, however the other option seemed far more probable.

"What is the scarf for…?" Light asked after a little while, attempting once more to break the silence between them.

"The taskforce thinks that you had to go to the hospital because your concussion got worse, thanks to L's fast thinking." Watari said. His expression was hard to read, but his voice was tenser than usual, making it obvious that he did not agree with the entire situation.

"Oh." Was all that Light said, and decided not to say anything else unless he was spoken to; he didn't want to agitate the man any further.

Watari hated that L was lying for Light's sake. In itself, it wasn't all that much of a big deal, however L was supposed to be true to justice, and justice only. He could use lies as a tool in his investigations, however there was no way lying about Light's reason for going to the hospital was something that would help the investigation, even Watari could see that. This meant that L was lying for Light because of selfish reasons, and selfishness was not something L was supposed to possess.

When Light and Watari arrived at headquarters after very silent car ride, the first thing Light noticed was that L wasn't in the main room with the others. He had wanted to ask why L had lied to the taskforce for him, because Watari was clearly not going to tell him much. He also wanted to see the detective before he left anyways. He just couldn't find it in himself to simply die without performing one last act; without fooling L one last time.

Before he had the time to ask where L was, however, the members of the taskforce were all standing around him, bombarding him with questions about how he was feeling. He had to assure them that he was indeed fine, which wasn't entirely true; his plans taken into consideration, but it wasn't a complete lie either. He did _feel_ fine after all. Not once had the strange voice spoken to him during the past seven days, and without the constant fear of being plagued by it, the constant reminders of how pathetic he was, how many thousands he had killed, and how he should kill L, he had slowly begun feeling lighter; _freer_. It was as if he could finally breathe fresh air, after having been trapped in a dirty cellar for way too long. He still felt that lingering weight upon his mind, but it was easier to carry when he knew that there was only a short amount of time left before he was truly free from the shackles of the world.

When the members of the task force had asked their questions, and were assured that Light was indeed fine, Light was finally free to ask his own questions.

"Do any of you know where L is?" Light said, looking around the room for emphasis.

"L…?" Soichiro said, mirroring Light and looking around the room himself as if he hadn't noticed that the peculiar detective wasn't there.

"I think he was just here…" Aizawa said, clearly just as confused as Soichiro.

"I think he said something about going to the roof..." Matsuda said earning everyone's attention.

"The roof? In this rain? Are you sure?" Light asked, surprised; the rain had been pouring down for hours; surely L, with his vast intelligence and skills of deduction, couldn't have missed _that._

"Maybe he secretly likes rain?" Matsuda said with a wide grin and a wink, which seemed totally inappropriate for the situation. Light rolled his eyes in response; it was just the kind of stupid assumption that Matsuda could make in a situation like this.

"I suppose I'll go have a look then… you know, to find out what I should do, now that I'm back." Light said, his voice completely calm and casual.

"Are you sure you are feeling well enough to work already, son?" Soichiro asked, looking at Light with undisguised worry.

"Yes, father, I am fine now, why else would they let me out of the hospital?" Light said, conjuring a mask of sincerity. His father seemed to buy the explanation without a problem, perhaps it was his strong wish for his son to be ok that made it so easy for him to accept Light's lies?

"Tell him to come down here afterwards, will you? He usually listens to you. He's been going solo this entire week; he's been assigning us work over mail even. Can you believe that?" Matsuda said.

Light felt his heart jump at Matsuda's words, but kept his face impassive. The thought of being the only person L listened to, insinuated that L cared about his opinion. Light already knew this wasn't the case; that was part of the reason he had decided to do what he was going to do. Believing otherwise would ruin everything; it would ruin him.

"Yeah, I'll try to talk to him." Light said diligently before he excused himself from the room.

-x-

L watched the cloudy sky in silence. He felt the raindrops prickle his face and soak his clothes, however he didn't mind being wet; in fact, he had always appreciated the rain; to him it was a way of relaxing and letting go of all his worries. The constant drum of water hitting the ground around him soothed his body and mind, leaving him in a state of calm.

L sighed in contentment and began humming a tune he couldn't remember where he had learned; the same tune he'd been humming while he comforted Light during his night terrors. L had known it for as long as he could remember, but anyone he had ever asked about it had claimed to never have heard it before. L suspected that Watari might know more about it than he admitted though.

The day when he had asked Watari if he had ever heard that tune before, Watari hadn't quite been able to hide the shock from his expression as he stared at him in silence. When he seemed to gather himself, he'd told L that he had never heard anything like it in his entire life, but that it was a beautiful melody. That day L had only been eight years old, but he had been able to recognise that his guardian was lying to him. It had been a hard blow to his trust in the older man, however, he'd later realised that Watari very rarely lied to him. So he had come to accept that it had to be something that the older man had deemed unnecessary for L to know. That didn't mean he'd completely given up on figuring out where the melody came from, however he had no idea how to go about it. And after all his cases were far more important for him to focus on. Therefore, he never had much time to pay it any mind.

Because Watari had lied directly to him, there had been no point for L to try to ask Watari again. The old man was stubborn, and even if L called him out on the lie, he would have kept insisting that he was speaking the truth. He had tried asking Roger the same question a day later, but the man had answered immediately that he didn't know anything about it. L suspected that Watari had warned Roger that he might be asked about it by L, and that he should lie about it. Either that or Roger really didn't know about it. L wanted to think that that was the case, because Roger _had_ always been the most earnest pf the two men. After that he hadn't had any more people to ask, so that was as far as he'd gotten with his own little mini-investigation.

L stopped humming and smiled to himself. It was rare for him to get lost in thoughts about his past; they were hardly ever relevant to the present. Furthermore, they were frankly boring, as he couldn't change any of it.

As L stood there, on the rooftop, lost in thoughts, he suddenly heard a low disruption in the continuous dripping of the small raindrops, and turned to where he thought he had heard the sound. There, in the door that led to the staircase, stood Light. For a fraction of a moment, it was as if the rain stopped, along with his heart and his breath. The relief he had felt the moment the doctors had come out of the operating room and told L that Light would be fine couldn't compare to the relief he was feeling at that moment.

L was a detective, and no matter how much he suspected something he needed solid proof to truly believe it. Seeing Light stand in front of him as well as ever – save from the scarf around his neck, which was obviously hiding the bandages L _knew_ were there – was the proof he needed to believe that Light really was fine.

Light said something in the distance, barely discernible through the rain. But L didn't want to leave the rain just yet, so he cupped his hand behind his ear signalizing that he hadn't heard Light.

Light repeated himself once more a little bit louder. This time L could hear clearly what Light said. The brunette was asking what he was doing, standing in the rain all by himself. L wanted to see whether Light would be willing to walk out in the rain to talk to L or not, so he repeated his gesture with a playful smirk on his lips. He could see Light roll his eyes in exasperation before the brunette gave up and walked over to him.

"What are you doing here by yourself Ryuuzaki?" Light asked.

"Oh nothing in particular, I'm merely listening for the bell." L said, staring up at the sky. He wanted to see how Light would react to what he said. He knew it was a bold thing to say. He was almost certain that Light would associate it with church bells, which again would mean that L's statement meant that he suspected he'd die soon.

"The bell?" Light asked in confusion. L frowned at Light's tone, and directed his gaze towards Light, and then he froze. Light was standing roughly a meter away from him, and from that distance, it was easy for L to tell that something was wrong. Something about Light was different than it had been before he was brought to the hospital, but L had no idea what it could be. This uncertainty made L feel apprehensive.

 _Why do you have to go and throw me for a loop again? I thought I finally understood you Light…_

"Hello, Light-kun." L said in response, he'd decided to completely change the subject. "I see you are feeling better." He commented casually staring intently at the brunette. He didn't know how he had expected Light to act once he was released from the hospital, but he knew that what he was seeing in front of himself was nowhere close.

 _Yes very much so._ Light thought as he studied L. He was surprised to find that his newly regained acting abilities seemed to stay strong even while in the presence of the ever so vigilant detective. After having struggled so much to keep on his mask around the older man, it was almost comical how easy it was now. This inspired Light to test how far he could stretch it. He wanted put on a show for L before he left.

"Yeah, Thanks for keeping it secret from the task force… You know, that I…" Light trailed off dramatically. He looked down at his feet to seem embarrassed and perhaps a bit sad.

"Tried to kill yourself?" L finished for him. Light looked up at L, feigning shock at being called out so bluntly.

 _My, my, that's not how you talk to your friends L._ He thought, smirking inwardly.

"Light-kun, is there anything you wish to talk to me about?" L said seriously, looking Light straight in the eye. Light had no problem keeping eye contact with the person who was currently standing in front of him. Light wasn't _actually_ sad, and L didn't _actually_ care. They were both just pretending after all.

"I didn't, I just..." Light said weakly, letting his voice trail off. That way he'd seem as if he didn't know how to explain himself, how to put words on such a graceless and brutal act.

"Clawed your throat out? There aren't really that many different options here. I didn't have to be genius to figure out what happened." L said monotonously.

 _You have to try harder than that, L…_ Light scoffed mentally, taking the monotony in L's voice as an inability to fake any empathic emotions.

"I swear that's not what happened. I didn't-" Light said, making his voice sound desperate.

"Light-kun, do you remember what happened that day at all? Do you remember what happened right before you ran off?" L said. He couldn't believe that the boy standing in front of him was denying what had happened. He didn't understand why Light didn't just tell him the truth. Only that way could L actually try to help him. As long as Light didn't open up to him there was nothing he could to help the younger man.

"I… Yes… I do. Sorry I lied to the psychiatrist." Light said quietly, looking down at his feet. He had to cover his mouth with his hand to hide the smirk that was forcing its way to the surface; it had been too long since he'd felt so _in control._

"I don't care about that. I want to know why you did… what you did?" L asked his voice laced with concern and some other emotion Light never had seen or heard L express before, which made it hard to identify what it was. Perhaps L was enjoying their conversation just as much as Light, feeling the rush of power as he manipulated Light to reveal his darkest secrets to him, allowing him one step closer to revealing his identity as Kira. Light contemplated what to tell the detective for a moment before he decided to go all out; he wanted to see what L's next move would be.

"I saw this… this apparition – or hallucination – of my own reflection coming to life… It came out of the mirror, or at least its upper body did… It tried to strangle me. I kept clawing at its hands to make it let go but it only hurt more, I thought- I thought I was going to die." Light said. He made his eyes appear wide and glossy as if he was struggling to stay in control of his emotions after having relived such a horrible moment.

"Light-kun, you know that's impossible right? That your reflection came to life?" L said carefully.

"But I- I mean- It did. I swear." Light said. L's expression was one of pity in response to those words.

"I don't doubt for a second that that's what you saw. I am merely telling you that it is not physically possible. Therefore it can't have happened the way you remember it." L stated matter-of-factly, seemingly forgetting to stay sensitive. Light had to focus not to smirk, and decided to just stare in confusion at L.

"Light-kun. Follow me." L said after a few moments of thought and no response form Light at his statement. They walked over to the windows that were right next to the door Light had just come from, said brunette trailing a bit behind the raven haired detective. Despite the rain, it was still possible to see your own reflection clearly in the dark tinted glass. As soon as they drew close to the glassy surface, L noticed Light's hesitating.

"Nothing will happen to you Light-kun, I promise." L said, his voice thicker with the same emotion Light had been unable to identify. Now it was obvious what it was; L's voice was thick with sadness. As this observation registered in Light's brain, he froze in his tracks about two meters behind where L was standing.

 _Is he sad? Why would he be? Is it because of… me? No. that can't be it. It's just an act._ Light mentally chided himself as his resolve wavered for a moment. His heart had begun beating harder at the thought of L being sad for him.

 _This is just your final goodbye, it'll be all over soon._ Light soothed his anxious heart. However as soon as the thought of his end rapidly closing in passed through his mind, his heart began racing. It beat like never before, as if it had a set amount of heartbeats to finish before it was all over, and the thought of his life ending sooner than he was supposed to, sent it into a frenzy. Light took a deep calming breath and shook his head to clear his mind, before he walked the final few meters so that he could stand next to the detective.

"Is it acting independently now?" L asked, referring to Light's reflection. Before Light answered, he took a long moment to stare at his own reflection, looking for those blood red eyes, and that maniacal smile. However, no trace of it was visible. He hadn't seen it once since it tried to strangle him, just as he hadn't heard the voice either.

"No, but it doesn't always." Light said honestly with a slight shrug.

"Does that mean it has done it more than once?" L asked, his voice a little sharper than he had probably intended it to sound. Light actually flinched because he hadn't expected it at all.

"Yes, a few times. It was the first time it reached for me though." Light said, making his voice waver a little bit. He could remember clearly how terrified he had been every time something like that had happened, yet it all seemed so distant all of a sudden, comical even.

"I see." L said monotonously every trace of emotion once more gone from his voice, it was clear their current conversation was over. "Let's go inside, we're both drenched." L added after a few moments.

"Yeah." Light said in response and the two of them walked together back into the building. Pondering what they had just talked about.

 **-x-**

 **Pondering~**

 **\- RIDDLE TIME –**

 **Yay several of you guessed correctly after I posted the last chapter! So here is the anticlimactic reveal; If you read all the chapter titles in this story you will notice that they make up this sort of poem. A bad one yes, because I am not very talented when it comes to poetry, but it's a poem nonetheless. So yeah, a bit lame, I know, but the point of this whole thing was to sort-of measure how observant some of you are. I know that I have a keen eye for details when reading stories, and have long since lost perspective of how much is 'normal' to notice, and what is borderline obsessive. To those of you who took the time to send me PM's and tell me your guesses; thank you, and I have come to the conclusion that some "guessing-competitions" in future chapters is definitely something that would be fun to do, if you are interested. I could do something like deleted scenes, or double length chapters or a drawing or something like that as rewards. Would any of you be interested in that?**


	10. Ch 10: All are Damned to go to Hell

**By the gods, this chapter was hard to write. Please enjoy the result of my blood, sweat and tears. I literally cut myself on a loose edge on my laptop during the creating of this chapter. ._.**

 **Clumsy? Me?** _ **Never.**_

 **Proofread by: Morcuen**

 **Word count: 4434**

 **Chapter 10: All are Damned to Go to Hell**

L walked behind Light as they slowly descended the stairs. They had taken a detour to their apartment to change their clothes quickly and collect a towel each to dry off some of the water in their hair. They were currently on their way back to the main room.

L had taken the opportunity to study Light's body as he took off his clothes to change. The brunette hadn't made an effort to hide his bandaged arms at all. Probably because he already knew that L was aware of his wounds, and that it would be pointless.

As they walked slowly down the stairs after their bypath, L wondered how Light had managed to become so malnourished in just two short weeks. His shoulders where a little too sharp, and L had clearly been able to see where Light's ribcage ended.

 _You look like you've starved yourself…_ L thought, and once again, he felt that odd clenching in his chest. As if someone was gripping his heart with an iron grip. It was a strange and painful sensation, but he couldn't really comprehend what was causing it. Perhaps he was ill?

During their conversation on the roof L had noticed that Light wasn't being completely truthful with him. It was as if the brunette had gotten back some of his old confidence, however L didn't know if it was a good thing or not. Light's reactions and responses had been too perfect; it was so textbook that it nearly seemed unnatural. The only other time L had seen this type of behaviour in Light, was when he'd turned himself in for solitary confinement. Everything had seemed so thoroughly thought through, and it was obvious to L that something wasn't right. He definitely had to figure out what it was, L absently noted to himself.

"Light-kun, will you please sit down?" He asked suddenly.

Light turned around when he heard L's words. He looked at L in confusion at the strange command. They were in a wide staircase after all. He hesitated for a moment and stalled by looking pointedly around the room they were in. As he did, he noticed that something with the way the sun broke through the clouds and shone through the large windows, and down at the stairs, made it look more like they were in a church or a temple rather than a large staircase belonging to a high-tech building designed for detective work. He wondered idly why L had had this very little space-saving staircase built in the middle of their investigation headquarters to begin with; it just seemed so out of place. Despite this, the almost heavenly setting made it seem almost natural to sit down and enjoy the view for a little while. He had to hide a smile as he realised that that moment would be a bitter one for L after he was gone.

Light nodded and sat down right where he'd been standing. He looked at L, expecting him to sit down next to himself. He was surprised when L opted for kneeling down in front of Light instead.

"What are you doing?" Light asked. He was unable to tell L to stop, as he was stunned into silence when L took off his shoes and socks and began drying off his feet with his own towel.

"I thought I should help you out. I can give you a foot massage as well, It's the least I can do to atone for my sins. I'm actually pretty good at those." L said, then he began gently massaging Light's foot soles with his long, thin fingers. He was expertly applying just the right amount of pressure in just the right places, making all the tension leave Light's body in an instant.

 _What sins is he talking about?_ He thought in confusion. What L had said didn't make any sense to him at all. _He can't have found actual_ proof _that I'm…? No. Impossible._ Light shrugged off the thought before it even had the time to form itself properly.

"Suit yourself..." Light said in lack of any better responses.

Not having anything better to do, Light closed his eyes and relaxed. He let his thoughts drift back to the conversation they had just had on the rooftop. It had been an impulsive decision to tell L about his hallucinations, but it felt strangely _right_ to have it out in the open. L hadn't reacted as badly as Light would have imagined either. Which was puzzling to him, but he wasn't exactly going to ask why. He had expected L to suggest medicines and to pull him off the case, or something like that. Of course, it wasn't too late for L to decide to do any of those things, yet, something told Light that it wouldn't happen.

Light sighed in contentment as L's hands worked their magic on his feet, greatly enjoying their moment of peace and silence.

 _This is it. It fits perfectly._ Light thought suddenly and smiled. _Dying with L kneeling at my feet is just too perfect, I can't let this opportunity slip away._

Carefully Light moved his hand to the little knob on his wristwatch, the one he used to set the time, and pulled it outwards four times in fast succession. At the fourth pull, a small compartment popped out with an almost imperceptible sound. Within it lay a needle and a piece of paper with Higuchi's name written upon it. Light still hadn't had the time to dispose of the piece of paper. He'd been more or less under constant observation even after the handcuffs had been taken off, and when he hadn't been, he'd been too distraught to think about trivial matters like these.

Light looked down at L's hands, working tirelessly on his feet for a long moment. It felt strange to know that he would be dead in a matter of minutes, if even that, but it also felt _right._ Light took out the needle, and pricked himself in his finger, and then he turned the paper around so that the side that wasn't already written on was facing up.

"Light-kun…" L began without looking up from Light's feet. "… I know that you are Kira." He said with a strange form of finality. As if he was making some sort of conclusion with those very words, even though they were no more than an accusation.

 _How…?_ Light stared at L for a moment before his thoughts caught up with the situation.

 _What gave me away? What will he do now? How does he know? Is he going to arrest me? Or is my execution already scheduled? Does he really know? Will he take me to court? No._

 _He can't know. It is impossible. This has to be another technique to attempt to make me slip up._ For a few seconds all Light could do was stare at L as his thoughts raced through his head. Then he furrowed his brows and dipped the needle in the blood that was trickling out of his finger and placed it towards the small piece of paper. L's accusation wasn't anything new; it didn't change anything. All he had to do was to write his own name before the detective noticed what he was doing. Just as he was about to begin forming the first kanji in his name, L looked up at him.

"L Lawliet. That's my name. Please write it instead of your own." L said bluntly, making Light stop dead in his tracks.

"What…?" Light breathed out in shock. _What sort of trick is this? Is this another test to find proof that I am Kira? Why is he telling me this?_ The thoughts were racing through Light's mind as he tried to understand what L was trying to achieve.

"Light, it's not a trick." L said, once again speaking in that same blunt manner, somehow knowing exactly what to say.

 _Liar…_ "Then what is it supposed to be then?" Light asked sceptically, his hand with the needle in it still poised again the tiny piece of paper in his watch. It would only take him a few seconds to write his name, he could probably even do it without L noticing if he distracted him.

"Me giving up my life in hopes that you won't throw away your own." L said with something akin to a sad smile. Light barely noticed his expression, however. L's words were stirring something within him that he thought he'd already buried.

"Liar!" Light said loudly without thinking, that familiar tensing of his shoulders and the sensation of his skin tightening around his skull, making his thoughts grow fuzzy, was slowly making itself present. "L would never do such a thing! I have spent more than enough time with you to grasp how you think and work. The L I know would never-" Light's voice was steadily rising in volume as he tried to form coherent sentences, until L cut him off.

"Yes. I would. I'd die for you a thousand times over if it meant giving you some peace of mind, a chance to start over. I am not important; I have successors, they will take on my title, you however. There is only one of you. Only one Light Yagami. And you are a genius who fought head to head with the great L, and beat him. Letting you die is a waste." L said.

 _No._ "shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Why didn't you do something when you discovered my self-harm then?! I could have died from those too if I continued!" Light yelled. He was grasping at straws; clinging to the knowledge he'd used as hard evidence of L's indifference towards him. He _needed_ to believe that L didn't care, or else everything would fall apart again.

"Because I didn't know how!" L said loudly. He seemed frustrated. His emotions were so clearly displayed on his face and it scared Light. He'd never seen the other man being so open with anyone, not even Watari.

"No… You're supposed to say that you don't care. I know you don't; you can't" Light said desperately. He was realising that L's recent displays of emotions hadn't been an act, and that meant that the very building stone in his resolve was being ripped out. All the times L had let his voice and expression slip, just the tiniest bit, and allowed his care for Light to shine through had been _real._ And oh how often had that not happened?

"But I do." L said firmly, delivering the final push to Light's crumbling resolve, sending everything crashing down.

"No… No. It isn't true! It can't be-" Light began babbling, while he clutched his head. It didn't make any sense. It was true; it had to be true; but it _couldn't_ be. It was a contradiction and it was hurting him just thinking about it; his head felt ready to explode with the colliding thoughts it contained. Light stood abruptly from where he'd been sitting and began slowly backing away up the stairs in an attempt to get away from L. L was the source of his pain and confusion, and the only thing he could think of doing to alleviate the warring in his head, was to get away from him.

"Light! Calm down!" L said loudly, moving after Light, afraid that he'd trip and hit his head on one of the hard steps in the staircase.

"No! Get away!" Light yelled in panic. He wasn't thinking straight anymore. His thoughts wouldn't cooperate, and the familiar feeling of panic taking over his body was making it impossible to regain his control. Light was sure he'd faint, unless L decided to restrain him first, because darkness that had become so familiar to him was already closing in on every side of him. Just as Light expected everything to go black, he was instead encased by something warm and familiar, which gently lowered him back into a sitting position on the stairs.

His eyes snapped open in shock as he realised that L was _hugging_ him.

"Losing you would kill me, Light." L said quietly into his shoulder, his voice barely discernible through the fabric of his shirt. Light sat completely still for a long while, allowing his body to calm down from the panic attack.

When he had finally calmed down and his thoughts were clearing, it occurred to him that L wouldn't sentence him to death. L had just offered his own life to save Light's, there was no way he would have him killed at that point.

But even if he didn't have any desire to punish Light anymore that didn't absolve Light of his crimes. He still deserved to be punished, and there were other ways that could be done.

"I killed them…" Light said monotonously. He couldn't imagine L ever overlooking something like that; the man claimed to be justice incarnate, he couldn't just ignore the thousands of lives Light had stolen, even if he did care enough about him to be unable to have Light executed.

"That's a confession." L stated. It wasn't a question.

"Yes. I _am_ Kira." Light said, staring straight ahead of himself instead of looking down at the other man who was now sitting next to him on the stairs. He could feel L's arms tighten slightly around himself before they relaxed again. He knew there was no point of trying to weasel out of the situation anymore; it was already too late. He didn't know if it was the remnants of his resolve to kill himself or the guilt of all the people he had killed that allowed him to stay calm as he turned and looked directly into the darkness of L's eyes.

"I know." L said, sounding almost breathless as he spoke. L had tried to find proof that Light was Kira, and now he finally had the ultimate proof; a confession. A confession from Light himself, without any excuses. No, "perhaps I did it in my sleep." Or "I don't remember it." Just a pure and simple confession, that proved everything L had worked so hard to prove. Just like that.

"What are you going to do?" Light asked resting his forehead on the palm of his hands, effectively hiding his face from the detective. It wasn't that he didn't want L to see his face, because he was certain that his stoic expression could easily rival L's normal expression at that point. It was just that he felt thoroughly emptied out at that point. He remembered how much pain he'd experienced before he'd made up his mind to take his own life, and how he'd been able to suppress those emotions thanks to the promise of relief. Now, he felt nothing. He'd just lost his reason to _die_ and was left completely hollow. He would have expected the pain to return, at the very least, but it hadn't. At least not yet.

"I'm not certain yet." L said, his voice betraying a kind of honesty and uncertainty that Light had never heard from the other man before. It sounded strange to him, yet there was no doubt in his mind that it was real.

Light lifted his head from where it was resting in his palms to get a good look at L. L always seemed to have a plan, to always be five steps ahead of everyone else; to hear the detective saying that he didn't know what he was going to do next wasn't something he'd ever imagined he'd get to hear.

"Will you punish me?" Light asked slowly. He needed to know. Even if L hadn't decided exactly what to do with him yet, he had to know whether L intended to lock him up in any way.

"I think you've already punished yourself more than enough." L said hesitantly, clearly afraid of upsetting Light.

"I killed people. I stole away lives that weren't mine to take. You cannot seriously mean that you have no intention of punishing me?" Light said sceptically. In the distant back of Lights mind appeared a mocking thought. A taunting little sentence that Light would not speak aloud.

 _Is the great master detective getting soft, these days?_ Yet, when L began speaking again the thought vanished and did not come up again.

"But you regret it, don't you? That's why all of this happened." L said, gesticulating towards Light as he said that. It was easy for Light to understand what L was referring to; the cut's in Light's arms, the pain he'd felt, his attempt at clawing out his own throat, be it intentional or not, and his inability to continue killing people as he undoubtedly had intended to when he gave up his memories.

Light didn't answer, instead he shrugged and turned his head forwards again, watching as the rays of the sun that was hesitantly peeking through the curtain of clouds shone in through the window. What L had said was true, but it was still strange for Light to know that the detective had managed to figure out everything with so few hints, at least almost everything. He did regret all the people he had killed, but the reason he'd stopped doing his duty as Kira was far more complicated, and probably far less innocent than L seemed to think.

When he regained his memories, he'd wanted nothing more than to go back to being oblivious, pure and innocent. Investigating the case by L's side had been so simple. It was such an honest thing to do, and it felt _good._ Being Kira had hurt him; he'd been constantly haunted by every life he took, but he'd carried it for the sake of the new world he'd been building. It had built up slowly over time; every name he wrote in the Death Note added another fraction to his burden, but underneath that weight, he'd also grown stronger. He'd learnt to keep fighting on as his conscience became increasingly tortured. He'd learnt to not acknowledge the pain, pretending that it wasn't there at all; he was becoming a God after all. A God of a new and purer world. He would persevere, and then, when the new world was made, he would find a way to assure that Kira's role would continue to be fulfilled even after he wrote his own name in the Death Note. He'd never intended to let Ryuk do it, and he'd known that when the war with L was over Ryuk would soon grow bored. Therefore, he had begun his planning on how to create a legacy that would never die, no matter how many Kira's would have to die for it.

All of that had been plaguing him without him even knowing, his burden had been building up so slowly that he never even noticed. Ryuk had told him that the owner of a Death Note was doomed to suffer, but he never understood how bad it actually was. His determination allowed him to grow stronger and stronger, adapting; _enduring._

He'd never understood how bad it was, and then he'd given up his memories. He had forgotten what it felt like to carry something so momentous. He hadn't always agreed with L's methods, and had often argued and criticised him, but they made each other _better._ Together they'd been able to work harder and faster and they'd become better versions of themselves. It had been wonderful for Light, who could only remember the endless loop he'd been stuck in before all of this began. Working alongside L had been the best thing that had ever happened to him, and then, when they were at the top, when they were so in synch and everything seemed right they had caught Higuchi, and Light had _remembered._ The thousands of lives he'd taken had crashed down upon him, the knowledge that he was going to add thousands _more_ to that count, including L, had smothered him, he'd forgotten how to carry such a burden and it became impossible to think; impossible to _live._

But what had changed since then? Two weeks of self-torturing had passed by and now he was left hollowed out, his resolve and strength taken from him by the infuriating detective who just _had_ to continue to butt his head into Light's business.

" _What am I supposed to do now?"_ Light whispered shakily, his gaze fixed stiffly in front himself.

"Work with me." L said. Light turned his head slowly towards L as he attempted to process what the detective had just said. Before he had the time to respond, L continued talking, making Light stare at him with poorly concealed surprise. "The Kira case isn't closed yet, and beyond that there are millions of cases that we could take on. You could help me, as my partner; an equal."

"How am I supposed to reply to that?" Light muttered, turning his head away from L as he felt his cheeks heat up slightly.

"A yes would be nice. I don't handle rejections well. Also, I really do find that I enjoy your company Light-kun." L said, his voice reverting back to its usual monotonous self again, however, even as it did Light was still able to recognise the vulnerability behind those words.

"I like spending time with you too." Light said honestly, turning back towards L again to look him directly in his eyes as he spoke, showing the other man exactly how much he meant those words. He was not at all surprised by L's lack of a prominent reaction, and therefore didn't think much of it. The detective had already proven how socially stunted he really was, and it would have surprised him more if L actually comprehended what he was saying; how much he really meant those words.

"I look forward to working with you then, Light-kun." L said with a small smile, clearly satisfied with himself.

"Likewise." Light sighed as he leaned back on his arms and supported himself against the steps behind him. In truth, he didn't know how he ever was going to get away from Kira, because no matter what he did, no matter how many times he rejected his actions as Kira, it would never change the fact that he'd done all of it. He was still a murderer and no matter how many cases he helped L solve, he'd never be absolved of his sins, and he doubted he'd ever be able to go back to being as happy as he'd been while they'd been chasing Higuchi.

 _If things become unbearable then I'll simply end it. Until then I'll go along with whatever L wants, maybe it'll work…_ Light thought, finally having made up his mind. He would do his best to find a new meaning with his life before the pain returned, because he knew it would. The shock of today would soon fade, and it all would come crashing down on him. Even then he would attempt to endure the pain until it went away, or until it became so bad that he couldn't stand it anymore. Either outcome would be fine with him at that point.

"Ryuuzaki-" Light began after a long silence, but was cut off by L's soft but stern voice.

"Call me L." He said.

"L…" Light said slowly, testing out how it felt to speak L's real name. It was strange; to know that he'd known L's real name all along, his surname at least, but it also felt oddly _right._ Such a strange name fit the strange detective perfectly in Light's opinion. "What did you mean by _atone for your sins_?" Light asked. He had suddenly remembered how their conversation had started, but found himself unable to figure out what L had meant.

"Why do you ask?" L asked warily.

"No reason. Curiosity for the most part." Light said with a shrug as he kept his gaze bravely fixated upon L's lean frame. He _was_ curious. He found that he suddenly had an urge to know more about the detective, to dig out every single secret L had hidden through years upon years of hiding his real self from the rest of the world.

"Honestly, I expected you to take my life as soon as I revealed my name to you. If you did then there is no doubt in my mind that you would go back to killing people as Kira. You would win and become the god of the new world you would create, and you would create the rules. That means you would be right and I would be wrong, thus everything I ever did to catch you would be a huge stack of sins." L explained.

"Oh… None of us won this war though." Light said quietly.

"That makes us both sinners then." L said with a playful smile. It took ten years of his face leaving a young teenager in his place, and hadn't Light been so exhausted he'd probably have laughed at the sight.

"Are you really just going to let me go free?" Light asked, still finding it hard to believe that L would release him that easily.

"Well, I will expect you to at least stay at my side. You know, now that you know my real name and all it won't do to let you walk away." L said.

"Nothing will change then." Light said with a sigh.

"Everything will change, Light-kun."

Light nodded vaguely. "Perhaps."

"I suppose we should return to the main room before the taskforce issues a search party for us." L said suddenly, already getting up from his spot in the stairs.

"Oh." Light said, not feeling ready to pull his masks back in place and continue acting as if he was perfectly fine in front of his father and co-workers. He was already both emotionally and physically drained and needed rest more than anything else.

"You may take the rest of the day off Light-kun, I'm sure you have a lot to think about." L said as he noticed Light's hesitancy. "As have I. In fact, I think I'll take the day off as well." L added with a smirk, suddenly heading up the stairs again.

"Matsuda won't be happy." Light commented as he got up for where he was seated, happy to follow L back to their apartment.

"I am aware." L answered with a shrug, clearly not caring at all what Matsuda thought about him.

-x-

 **So wasn't that an emotional rollercoaster. Please do tell me what you think about this chapter. It was** _ **so**_ **hard to write, and I really want to know if I did the story justice.**


	11. Ch 11: Loudly Tolling is the Bell

**Sorry for the wait guys! School is literally trying to kill me. No joke. My beta isn't faring much better either. So we're trying our best, we probably won't be able to keep the every-other-week-schedule we had going on.**

 **Anyhow! Hope you enjoy!**

 **Proofread by: Morcuen**

 **Word count: 5234**

 **Chapter 11: Loudly Tolling is the Bell**

L sat perched on the edge of his own bed, silently watching Light's sleeping figure. It seemed to be a rather frequent pastime of his, and the question of what to tell Light if the brunette ever caught him in the act had passed through his mind. So far, he hadn't come up with a solution that would effectively rectify the situation yet, and was betting on his ability to play it off if the situation ever arose.

As soon as they had returned to the room, Light had unceremoniously stripped down to his boxers, tossing his clothes haphazardly down on the floor as he walked towards their bedroom. As soon as he reached the bed, he hadn't hesitated to climb into it and under the covers. L had been tremendously impressed by Lights ability to fall asleep in an instant, and a small part of him wished that he could do the same. Exhaustion overcame L as he realised what a close call this had been. He was certain that if he hadn't figured out what Light had been about to do then the brunette would already be gone.

L bit on the tip of his thumb as he sat there, deep in thought.

 _What are we going to do now? And what can I do to make sure that Light won't try anything similar to this again? I did manage to get through to Light today, but that doesn't mean he can't descend back into the self-destructive pattern he's been following lately. And the next time I might not be there to stop him… There is also the issue of his confession. That could be a double-edged sword for me. It could mean that he's decided to completely give up on being Kira, but he could also end up having a backlash, and kill me to remove all witnesses who knows who he is. It isn't impossible._

L looked at Light's face at that thought. The younger man looked so peaceful and un-guarded when he slept; his features were completely relaxed and it made him look so _innocent._

L didn't think for a second Kira was done fighting for control within Light, one way or the other, however as long as Light was willing to fight for L, then there was hope. And as long as Light fought for L, L would continue fighting for Light.

He had to find a way to close the case without raising suspicion. There was no way he could reveal what Light had admitted to anyone; not even Watari. He couldn't allow anyone to accuse Light of being Kira; it was a secret and theirs to keep.

L moved closer to Light, and began carefully patting the others head. Light's expression had changed, he no longer looked peaceful and innocent; he looked troubled and _scared_ even. It was the tell-tale sign that the brunette was having another one of his nightmares.

L patting Light's head had little to no effect as Light began thrashing around, and L decided to wake him up before he tore open any of the stitches in his neck. L gently shook Lights shoulders while he called out the brunette's name.

"Light-kun, Light-kun you have to wake up, you are having a nightmare." He said, his voice a little louder than usual.

In response, Lights thrashing calmed down a little before his eyes abruptly sprang open. While he sat up in the bed, he looked wildly around the room before his gaze found Ls.

"Listen L, we have very little time, we have to-" Light began, but L interrupted him.

"Light-kun, you were having a nightmare, its ok now, go back to sleep." L said calmly, surprised at Light's sudden outburst.

"No I'm awake now, listen-" Light sounded desperate to convey whatever it was his dreams had shown him, but L wasn't interested in hearing about it. There was only one thing Light could be having nightmares about, and that was Kira. Kira's main goal was to kill L, and L wasn't sure he' be able to sit silently and listen to Light tell him about how that had been supposed to happen.

"Light-kun is obviously not thinking very clearly, do you want me to go get you something?" L said firmly, making it clear that he didn't want to hear about it. Light looked slightly taken aback at L's relentlessness, before he nodded and relaxed against the headboard.

"Sorry." He muttered, finally properly awake, and aware of his surroundings.

"That's very alright, Light-kun. I presume this won't be the last time you have a bad dream." L said.

"Say, L, are you really going to let me go free?" Light asked. His voice sounded distant as if he was thinking very hard about something.

"Yes. I would prefer to stay with you for my own selfish reasons though." L said ruefully. He'd expected Light to laugh at that, but he didn't. Instead, he began massaging his temples, making it obvious that he had a headache.

"Ryuuzaki- L, would you be so kind and get be some water and painkillers please? I have an incoming headache." Light said, and lay back down with a sigh.

"Sure Light-kun, wait here, I'll be back soon." L said before he left the room.

Light however, had no intention of waiting. "As soon as L was out of the room, he got up from the bed and pulled on his discarded clothes from yesterday. He knew they were out of painkillers, because he'd been using them frequently, and he knew that L had no use for medicines, therefore he was betting on neither L nor Watari having noticed that they were out, and refilled their stack.

"Light-kun, I will have to find Watari, it seems we are out of painkillers." L called from the bathroom.

"That's fine, I'll wait." Light called back, making sure that his voice sounded a bit more fragile than he was currently feeling. Light waited a few moments before he walked out of the bedroom. He headed straight for the exit of their apartment and peeked his head out to check if L was out of sight. He couldn't spot the detective in either direction and grabbed the opportunity to rush out of the room towards the stairs. He'd concluded that taking the stairs would be safer because L would almost definitely choose the elevator. If he met anyone in the staircase, something that was highly unlikely, he could just hide somewhere on whatever floor he was on before the other person noticed he was even there.

Light knew that the surveillance cameras caught him running through the building, but he didn't have time to erase his trail, it was only a matter of time before L would die, and Light was the only one who could stop it.

Light thought back on the conversation he had had with Rem in the hospital; at the time it had seemed so perfect, it had been the icing on the cake. Now he loathed himself for his stupid decision. Rem had confronted him with her worries about the slow progression of his plans, and he'd had to assure her that L _would_ die. At that moment he hadn't thought much of it because he'd die himself anyway, but now that had changed. He wasn't going to die, and neither was L. He didn't know what was going to happen to him if he stayed with the detective. Yet, his other options weren't very pleasant to look at. Regarding that and other things, living and working with L was worth giving a chance. 

- _Flashback_ -

"Light, it has been almost two weeks since you were freed from the chain that connected you to L and your memories returned, why are you hesitating?" Rem asked Light.

"I haven't been able to find a fitting moment to dispose of him yet." Light said, though he knew that was a lie, and it seemed like Rem knew it as well.

"Currently L has put the investigation on hold, and he is wandering aimlessly around your investigative headquarters, I believe this is because your sudden collapse has disturbed him. However, I do fear that as soon as you return he will resume investigating, and I am fairly certain Misa is the next person he will look closer at. I don't think he ever stopped believing that she's the second Kira. Light, as long as L lives, Misa will be in danger, and if something happens to Misa I will kill you. For your own benefit, I recommend doing it now, while both you and Misa are still unharmed, and well, alive." Rem looked at Light's neck at her last statement.

Light looked dully at Rem; he almost wanted to tell her about his plans. Watching the Shinigami's expression as she realised that he, whom she loathed almost as much as L, would be taking his own life would be priceless. What would make it even more perfect, was that it wouldn't take her long to realise that that would leave Misa alone to defend herself from L, and they both knew that she'd fail.

"Yes, I suppose…" Light said thoughtfully.

 _How can I assure that L's life is spared? Do I even want to? I won't be alive to see him die, so it shouldn't matter… Wait! The moment I kill myself with the Death Note will be the final proof L needs; he'll_ know _that I'm Kira. Having Rem kill him after my death will be the perfect set-up. Just as L thinks he has won he will die of a heart attack, and at the moment of his death he will begin doubting whether I really was Kira after all. At the very end, everything he think he knows will be thrown into chaos one last time._ Light smirked to himself as he turned his full attention back to Rem.

"You should kill him." Light said with finality. He'd made his decision.

"Didn't you want to be the one to do it?" Rem asked, her eyes narrowing in undisguised suspicion.

"It would be preferable, of course, but I still can't find out what his real name is, and I think it will fine like this." Light said with a shrug. "I only have two conditions. The first one is that you wait until after I have returned to headquarters. You may choose any time you like after I've been back for at least a day." Light said.

"That is fine, as long as L doesn't try anything before then." Rem said with a nod. "What is the second condition?"

"That you make it a slow and painful death." Light said with the most malicious grin Rem had ever seen on his face. She didn't dare ask what L had done to warrant such harsh judgement; no matter how bad a crime was, Light never discriminated in the way he punished criminals unless they were a part of his plan to throw L off his tail.

"Understood." Rem said with a nod before she slid quietly out of the hospital room.

 _It's only fair after all. You've made me suffer intolerably, this is the least I can do to pay you back, L._ Light thought. He was ignoring the part of him that was screaming in agony at the knowledge of the pain L would be suffering; that part of him would die with him anyways, so it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore.

\- _End of flashback_ -

"Sorry for the wait, Light... kun." L said as he returned to the apartment. As soon as he entered, he noticed that something was off; the door to the bedroom was wide open, while he was certain he'd left it askew. As he walked into the bedroom, he immediately recognised Light's absence. This wasn't very upsetting by itself, because it could merely mean that the brunette had gone to the toilet or something, but just after he noticed the lack of Light himself, he also noticed that Light's clothes, which had been strewn across the floor were gone, and he instantly put two and two together.

"Light?" L called out hesitantly, as he walked towards the exit of the apartment, despite knowing he'd get no reply. On his way out he peeked his head inside the bathroom just to make sure that Light wasn't there, even though he knew it was pointless.

L exited the apartment and walked straight for the surveillance room. He'd learned from his own mistakes; this time he'd waste no time trying to find Light the old fashioned way.

-x-

Light hurried out of their investigative headquarters and ran for a few blocks before he flagged down a taxi. He thanked his own always-ready-for-anything kind of nature that he always kept some cash in his pockets, even when he had no intention of going anywhere. He knew that taking the taxi would buy him some time before he was caught. He barked out the name of the street next to the forest he was headed to as soon as he was seated inside the taxi. He hoped that his driver would sense that he was in a hurry by his clipped tone, and therefore keep their interactions swift and to the point, skipping all the small talk.

When he arrived, he paid the chauffeur before he stumbled out of the taxi and ran into the forest. He half-walked half-ran until he finally caught sight of what he was looking for; the weirdly shaped tree standing a little apart from the rest of the trees along the wide trail that ran through the forest.

Light knew that L had found out about his escape by now, and would be searching for him, but he didn't care, he just had to finish his plan before L found him, then it all would be over.

 _No…_ He thought. _That isn't quite right. That is when everything begins._

When L was safe the two of them could start figuring out how to end he Kira case together. After that they would have all the time they needed to adjust to their new _arrangement_ while saving the world, one case at the time.

Light ran over to the tree and began digging in the soft earth beneath it until he finally revealed a black box. He smiled triumphantly and carefully lifted the box up. He looked at it for a long moment, remembering how he'd planned for Misa to be the one to dig up the note, knowing that she'd want to kill L. With her pathetic memory there was no way she'd actually remember L's name however, although he could always hope, therefore she'd make the deal for the Shinigami eyes. After that, everything would fall into place on his own. Light smiled and opened the box, revealing Misa's Death Note.

Light picked it up, and opened it. He flipped through the pages, and revelled in the feeling of the otherworldly paper against his skin. He hadn't realised until that moment how much he _missed_ the Death Note. The power it gave him as Kira and the thrill of knowing that he'd gotten to where he was because he was a genius who was just as smart as L, if not smarter. Light smirked at the thought and opened the book to a blank page. He looked over at the box again; there was a pen there, he picked it up gingerly and held it over the paper. He was so close; just a few strokes with the pen and L would be dead. He had strived for it for _so_ long, and finally he had the ability to end things on his own.

An inhuman cackling behind him snapped Light out of his trance and he threw the pen and notebook away in horror.

 _What on earth was I thinking?! That wasn't why I came here._ Light thought as he stared at the Death Note as if it was something disgusting and filthy. He drew a deep calming breath and turned slowly around towards the sound he'd just heard. He'd always hated the presence of the mad Shinigami, but for once he was grateful that he'd interrupted what he was doing.

"I didn't expect to see you here Light. The swapping around you did, that was to change things around right? So that I would haunt Misa and Rem would haunt you. Rem didn't realise, but I figured it out while I was in the Shinigami realm, waiting for this book to be picked up." Ryuk said and laughed his characteristic insane laughter.

"Ryuk, there has been a change in the plan, you are to take this notebook to someone who lives nearby, it doesn't matter who. Then you will make them pick up the notebook so that they can see you. Then you will lie to them. You will tell them that this is a magic book, that grants wishes, and that they can write absolutely anything in it, and it will come true. They will probably draw the connection to Kira, but it doesn't matter. Be sure to mention money and love as examples of things they can gain with the book, it will be enough to make almost any human want it. It will make the human in question very interested in the book, and willing to do anything for it. This is when you will tell them that you will give them the death note if they are willing to kill Misa Amane, and if they refuse they will die." Light explained in a hurry, glancing down at his watch.

"Why should I help you? I have already told you that you are on your own here." Ryuk said slowly, his mouth twisting into a gleeful grin as he spoke.

"Listen, we have very little time... the point of this is killing Rem. I will get you lots of apples if you do this one thing for me." Light said pleadingly.

"Eh? Killing Rem? Amusing! I'll do it, but only because I don't like Rem. Also I won't be the one in trouble if things go south… I am the one who is supposed to kill you, remember that." Ryuk said with a laugh as he floated past Light to where the Misa's Death Note was lying on the ground.

"Thank you, Ryuk. You have to make the human attack Misa within the next few hours, it is very important that you hurry. Now, I relinquish ownership of this death note, but I keep ownership of the other." Light said before he ran off.

-x-

 _Well this certainly doesn't bode well for me…_ L thought despondently as he watched the footage of Light running through the corridors and finally _out_ of the entire building.

 _Where on earth could he be going?_ L nibbled his thumb quite harshly as he pondered potential destinations for the brunette. Now that all of Light's cards seemed to be out in the open, it was far easier to predict what he was going to do next, than it had been when he didn't know how Kira killed. _There aren't really all that many options at this point. He could either be meeting up with Misa to have her kill me or… Or has he hidden another Death Note somewhere? The Shinigami is carrying one, which is proof of the existence of two Death Notes. This in turn means that the Death Note is not a unique item, and the existence of several more is not unlikely… If Light has hidden a Death Note somewhere only he will find it, it would be easy for him to go and fetch it and then… what? Will he write my name…? Am I… going to die?_ L's eyes widened as the thought struck him. It wasn't impossible; it was probable even.

 _It seems I was careless…_ L thought as he studied his toes forlornly. _I don't really want to die though._

 _If this is your final decision Light, then so be it. I may not be able to kill you as I am, but I refuse to go down without a fight. An eye for an eye, Kira-kun._

-x-

Light ran as fast as he could back towards headquarters. He knew there wouldn't be any taxies randomly passing by any of the desolate streets next to the forest, so he had to make his way back to headquarters by foot instead.

When Light finally reached headquarters he was so exhausted that he felt as if he was going to throw up at any moment, but it didn't matter; he had done his job, now all he had to do was wait and hope that Ryuk would keep his promise, and that it wouldn't be too late...

Light walked back to his and L's apartment hoping to change his clothes before L realised that he was back; he knew that he'd have to explain to L where he'd gone. As soon as he entered their bedroom, however, Light was brutally slammed against the wall.

The loud thump his head made as it collided with the hard surface resounded sickeningly through the room. Light winched at the pain that spread from his back and head, and felt the nausea return full force. Light clenched his eyes shut for a moment, fighting to keep the contents of his stomach down, before he cracked his eyes open to get a look at his attacker.

He wasn't too surprised to find that the one who had him pinned against the wall, was none other than L. What did surprise him, however, was the fact that L looked _furious_. Light felt a shiver run down his spine; he had _never_ seen L so livid, not even during their many fights. The detective looked ready to kill, and Light didn't doubt for a second that if he'd wanted to he could easily kill another man without even blinking.

Light had been so confident earlier that L would keep him safe, however the person standing in front of him wasn't the L he knew. And Light was terrified of him.

"Where have you been Light? Did you go and write my name in some hidden death note? Am I going to spend my last moments following whatever orders you wrote down, before dying in the most pitiful way you could think of?" L spat out, and Light flinched by the raw emotion that L was showing. It wasn't the anger in his voice that Light took notice of however; it was the hurt. L thought Light had betrayed him.

Light opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn't. As he stood there, face to face with the person whom he had given up everything for, who was currently convinced that Light had betrayed, he realised that he couldn't tell him that he _hadn't_. Knowing that Light's plan would ensure that _someone_ died, even if it failed, was something L never would accept. Not because he minded other people's deaths terribly much, but because it was Light's doing. He would assume Light was ok with people dying; that he was reverting back to being Kira. Therefore, instead of trying to calm L down and explain where he'd been, he merely stared wide-eyed at L as said detective continued talking.

"I really thought better of you Light. Or maybe you're Kira now? Who knows? You seemed so willing to fight for me yesterday; I actually believed we could figure this out together!" L said, his voice steadily rising in volume. Light flinched at the words being thrown at him, and even though they were untrue, he actually felt as if deserved to hear it. He _had_ almost written down L's name in the forest, perhaps L was right? Perhaps he still was dominated by Kira?

"I _trusted_ you, Light. How _dare_ you misuse my trust?" L said angrily. At this Light dipped his head forwards and closed his eyes. The words stung, but not as much as his actions had stung L, and he knew that he had to convince L otherwise; not for his own sake, but for L's.

"I didn't." Light said feebly, trying to figure out a way of telling the other man that he hadn't betrayed him. At least not in the way L thought he had.

"You didn't _what?_ Intend to allow me to stop you with your oh-so-brilliant scheme? Or was it that you didn't intend to let me find out about my incoming death until it happened? Perhaps you thought you would make it back in time to snuggle up in my bed and pretend to be all weak and helpless?" L continued, not waiting for Light to answer. For each sentence he spoke he pushed his arm harder and harder into Light's throat, to the point where Light was certain he'd end up with bruises there.

"I didn't write your name." Light said quietly, looking straight into L's eyes as he spoke, hoping that L would take his sincerity for what it was. He could feel the pressure from L's arm against his throat relenting slightly, allowing Light to draw the deep breath he hadn't even been aware of needing. His head instantly begun spinning around, and his legs and spine suddenly felt like jelly. Before he knew what happened he was sitting on the floor. L looked at him for a few moments before he seemed to realise what had happened, and then he kneeled down in front of Light.

"Did you get someone else to do it then?" L asked. The edge to his voice seemed to have disappeared. Instead he sounded uncertain, almost scared.

"No." Light said and shook his head.

"Oh." Was all that L said. Light didn't say anything else, nor did he push L away, he merely sat there, completely still, waiting for the detective's next move. The moment the anger disappeared from L posture Light had been able to relax as well. He understood why L had reacted the way he did; he didn't really have any reason to trust Light after all, but that didn't make it any easier to face his wrath.

"I'm sorry." L said faintly. He couldn't understand why he'd suddenly acted so out of character in front of Light. He had resolved to confront Light, but not in such a way. It wasn't what he'd planned at all…

"It… It's fine. I deserve this." Light said quietly.

"No. No you don't. I really don't know what came over me." L said. L leaned forward and buried his face in Light's shoulder, letting out a resigned sigh. Ever since the evening before when he'd confronted Light he'd felt so _on his toes._ His mind was all over the place and jumping to the wrong conclusions, which was utterly catastrophic for a detective like himself.

 _What on earth are you doing to me, Light?_ L thought as he grabbed the fabric of Light's shirt to steady himself.

"Sorry." Light said, still in the same quiet voice. He didn't know what else to say in response to this new and emotional L that he wasn't used to dealing with. He _was_ sorry. He regretted that he wasn't brave enough to face the consequences of telling L the truth about what he'd done, but he didn't think he could face another outburst from the detective, not then at least. He felt as if he was slowly being backed towards a cliff; as if he would fall into the abyss at any given moment, and spiral back into the same negative place that had driven him to hallucinate and harm himself, and eventually he would take his own life. He needed to get his footing back _before_ that happened, and for that, he needed L's cooperation, not his fury.

He lifted his left hand from where it lay limp in his lap, and placed it hesitatingly on L's shoulder. He felt the detective relax under his touch, and allowed himself to relax as well; whatever was going on inside of L's head, he was accepting Light's apology, for what it was worth.

" _Where were you?"_ L whispered, and Light had to strain his ear to hear what he was saying.

"If my plan succeeds you won't die." Light said cryptically.

"So you were trying to save me then." L stated dryly.

"Yes." Light answered.

"How pathetic of me to accuse you like I did." L muttered.

"Not at all." Light said evenly. "I would have done the same in your shoes."

"No you wouldn't." L said.

"No I wouldn't." Light agreed after a pause. "I would have done worse."

"To yourself at least." L added, and Light tensed for a few seconds before he forced himself to relax again. He didn't want to antagonise L by showing how much that comment stung him.

"Indeed." Light acquiesced.

It didn't take long for Light to begin feeling awkward where he was sitting on the floor with L kneeling in front of him and resting his head on his shoulder. Light's hand was still resting on L's shoulder, while the other was laying in his lap, and he decided to move his hand away from the detective's shoulder. When he did, he realised that he had no idea where to place his hands, until they moved practically on their own, seemingly knowing better than him what was appropriate. Before Light was completely aware of it he was carefully moving his hand through L's hair soothingly. He could feel L relax notably at the contact, the weight of his head pressing a bit heavier into his shoulder.

Light wanted to ask if it was ok for him to do that, but he didn't want to break the silence, it felt precious for some reason, like something rare and wonderful that should be enjoyed while it lasted. He slowly slid his free arm around L's torso and paused, waiting for some form of objection. When he received none he proceeded to pull L into his lap so that he was sitting more comfortably, his weight supported by Light's arm while the other hand continued to comb through L's hair tirelessly.

L and Light sat like that, on the floor, without paying attention to the passing of time. Light gently combing through L's hair with one hand, and holding the detective firmly towards his chest with the other. After what felt like an eternity, Light glanced down at his wristwatch and sighed. It was 11 am, already, and he knew that he needed to be present when Misa was attacked, otherwise Rem wouldn't be able to save her, and it would all be for nothing.

" _L…?"_ Light whispered gently. The detective didn't even stir in response. Light smiled as he realised that L had fallen asleep in his lap. It was still such a strange idea to him that L had told him his name; that the detective actually trusted him, at least to an extent. He'd just shown that he wasn't completely confident that Light wouldn't kill him after all.

 _Why on earth did things have to become so complicated? I need to pull my act together; I can't allow another incident like this…_ Light thought as he supressed a sigh.

 **-x-**

 **WAS IT CUTE?! Please tell me I'm not the only one who found that last part cute? Even though I wrote it, I feel like they did it on their own. X)**

 **Also, I have written a few chapters that focus on other characters in the story, to help myself imagine how they would act, and I was wondering if any of you would be interested in reading those?**


	12. Ch 12: With the Devil you Shall Dance

**Thank you all for your support and for being patient with us! Morcuen and I are working hard to keep up with both real life and this story. Please enjoy the chapter and while I go back to doing math.**

 **Proofread by: Morcuen**

 **Word count: 4600**

 **Chapter 12: With the Devil You Shall Dance**

Light shifted his hands so that he was holding L bridal style and stood from the floor. He carried L over to their bed and gently lowered him onto the soft mattress.

" _I'll be right back."_ Light whispered to the sleeping figure before he turned around and headed towards the door. Just as he was about to close the door he remembered all the times he had woken up alone in that very room after L had removed their handcuffs, and hesitated. He remembered how he'd despaired and believed that it meant that L didn't care about him. It wasn't something he wished for L to experience.

He looked around the living room and spotted a notepad and a pen lying on the desk that was standing right next to the bookshelf, both of which were standing against the wall that separated the bedroom and the living room. Light glanced at the bookshelf as he walked past towards the desk. It was tall and wide, and contained a large amounts of books that he'd never seen before, all of which seemed to be written in English, French, German and a great variety of other languages, some which he didn't even recognise. He paused in front of the shelf and traces his fingers along the spines of some of the books before he frowned; they didn't seem to be sorted in alphabetical order. Light stared at the books for a long moment, actually considering sorting the books, before he decided against it; it would take too much time.

 _There could also be some reason as to why the books aren't placed in alphabetical order as well… They could be sorted by relevance, or by author, perhaps? Or something entirely else._ He made a mental note to ask L about it later and then turned back to the actual note he was about to write for the detective. He stared critically at the notepad before he scribbled down an excuse for his absence, in case L woke up. Then he walked quietly back into the bedroom and placed the neatly folded piece of paper in L's clenched hand. That way he could be certain L would find the note when he woke up.

Light walked out of the apartment and down to the main room, where the taskforce already was working half-heartedly on the case. He explained to them that L was busy and would be down later, and that he had sent Light on an errand for him. This enabled Light to simply stroll out of the building without anyone stopping him.

When Light was outside, he cast a look around, to make sure that Rem was nowhere in sight before he took out his phone and called Misa. The phone barely had time to ring before Misa answered in her usual excited squeal.

" _Light! It's been so long since we spoke! How are you? Are you ok? Is L being mean to you?"_

"No, L's being nice and I'm fine, thank you for asking. I was wondering how you are doing?" Light asked, feigning interest. He was walking hurriedly down the street while talking to Misa, constantly keeping an eye out for the appearance of the Shinigami that loved the annoying human so much. Because of the magical pull at the ties that kept her chained to him, she would appear sooner or later. He'd prefer it if she didn't hear him talking to Misa; that would make her suspicious.

" _Misa is doing just fine! I have worked so hard for your sake, and just got another deal for a commercial!"_ She said excitedly.

"That's great. Are you working right now then?" Light asked. He was trying to figure out where Misa was without asking directly, because if he did she'd interpret it as him wanting to meet up with her; she couldn't know he was there until he revealed himself to her.

" _No. Misa has a break right now, so I visited my favourite café, you probably don't know where it is though."_ Misa said, and Light smirked; despite always trying to shut out Misa's grating voice whenever she spoke, he had paid enough attention to know where her favourite café was. His brain just had the tendency of picking out crucial bits of information like that, and store it in case he ever needed to be extra persuasive or otherwise was in need of the info.

"That sounds lovely. I hope you have a nice lunch-break then. I actually have a short break now too, which is why I decided to take few minutes to talk to you." Light said innocently, he had to make sure it wouldn't seem unnatural if she saw him in the café, or else she would start asking questions. That by itself wasn't too big of a deal, but if Rem heard Misa commenting Light's sudden and unexpected appearance, it would be just as bad as if she overheard their conversation.

" _Awwww! That's so sweet! I know how busy you are with your investigation! I'll let you have the rest of your break in peace then, unless there was anything else you wanted to say?"_ Misa said, and Light frowned; something seemed off about Misa. He'd expected her to at least tell him to talk with her for a little longer, as she usually did, and possibly ask him when they could go on a date together.

"No, that was all. I hope the shooting for the commercial goes well." Light said, smoothly covering up his hesitance and uncertainty.

" _Thanks! Bye!"_ Misa said and then she actually hung up. Light stared in mild surprise at his phone for a few second; Misa had _never_ been the one to hang up whenever they had talked on the phone before. Something was definitely off about the girl. If it wasn't for the danger of something being wrong with Misa, he would have appreciated the change. Unfortunately, Misa, memory or no memory, was the second Kira, and if she suddenly stopped liking Light so much she could prove to be a problem in the future. Light shook his head to clear his thoughts before he changed directions and walked hurriedly towards the café Misa had mentioned.

When Light entered the café, he immediately spotted the strawberry blonde girl sitting in one of the back corners of the café, enjoying a cup of tea all by herself. He walked discreetly over to the counter and ordered a black coffee and a piece of strawberry cake. When he had the food, he sat down a few tables away from her, making sure that he could see her without her spotting him.

"What are you up to, Light Yagami?" Rem asked as she materialised behind him after having slid through the wall.

"I am having lunch." Light said, sipping demonstratively from his coffee, as if to prove his own point.

"Where is L?" She asked suspiciously.

"Back at headquarters. I needed some time for myself after being in the hospital, so I asked to be allowed to have my break here. Alone." Light said with a shrug.

"I see. Then it is acceptable for me to kill him now?" Rem asked, eyeing Light critically.

"Sure, whenever you see fit, just not while I'm here, that'll make the rest of the idiots suspicious. I need to be where they all can see me." Light said nonchalantly. Despite his calm appearance, however, his heart had picked up its pace considerably the moment Rem had mentioned killing L. He could only hope Ryuk had managed to do what he was supposed to do by then, otherwise L would be dead when they returned to headquarters, and everything would be for nothing.

"That is acceptable." Rem said with a nod.

"Good." Light said, discreetly looking around the café, anxiously waiting for something to happen. And finally, right before he was done with his coffee and was starting to feel panicked, it happened. A man, seemingly intoxicated, entered the café, and even if Ryuk seemed to be hiding, Light knew that he was the man he was waiting for.

Light watched with visible disgust as the man walked around the café, obviously looking for something or someone, one of his hands inside his jacket; hiding something.

"What is it Light Yagami?" Rem asked. She had noticed Light's expression and was currently scanning the café for whatever Light was looking at.

"Gus like him-" Light said, and pointed at the intoxicated man "-are the reason I decided to punish people. It's just… disgusting; filthy. Who walks into a café with kids and all when they are so drunk?" Light said with a sneer, not having to pretend at all. At that moment, as he watched the man bump into a mother who sat there alone with her two kids, and then stumbled on without even apologising to her, it was easy for Light to talk about what he'd done as Kira. It was easy for him to remember how disgusted he'd been by the filth of the world, and how simple it had been for him to just kill them off. Like flies. They meant nothing in the greater scheme of things, so why shouldn't he just remove them?

Rem was also looking in obvious disgust at the man, until she saw him sit down by a table, opposite of a blonde girl. Rem was about to look away when she realised who the blonde girl was. And her eyes widened in horror as she looked above Misa's head; Misa's life would end in just a few minutes.

"Light Yagami. What have you done?" Rem asked accusingly, pointing one of her long bony fingers at Light's face. Light stiffened in his seat and focused his attention at Rem instead of the drunken man.

"What do you mean?" Light asked innocently, pretending not to know what the Shinigami was talking about.

"You know very well what I mean." Rem said angrily as she pulled out her Death Note and a pen.

"No! I swear, I haven't done anything." Light said, and made a show of looking frantically around himself until he spotted the blonde girl. He stopped moving when he saw that the drunk man had sat down by the same table Misa was sitting on. The guy was talking in slurs, his voice carrying in bits and pieces across the room. Misa was clearly frightened and trying to excuse herself without upsetting the man.

"Shit…" Light muttered, pretending to just realise the full extent of the situation.

"Don't lie to me, Light Yagami." Rem said angrily, her pen already poised against the paper of her Death Note, ready to write.

"Look at his life-span Rem! If I was controlling him through a Death Note, he would have to die within 23 days! He won't will he?" Light said, struggling to keep his panic at bay. As he'd spoken it had occurred to him that he'd never specified for Ryuk to actually find a human who had more than 23 days left to live. Ryuk wasn't exactly known for being helpful, so it was fully possible that he'd chosen someone who was near death on purpose.

"There are other ways to manipulate people, you have proven this yourself countless times." Rem said coldly. She glanced over at the drunken man and saw something silver shimmer from underneath his jacked.

"Fuck it. If I know she's going to die, and am the possessor of a Death Note, I should have the power to change people fates, even without the Death Note. Right? Because I haven't written her name in the Death Note so that means it is possible to save her." Light muttered as he stood from his seat and walked hurriedly over to the table where Misa and the drunk man were sitting. He knew it was possible in theory, but he suspected that no matter how he tried to avoid the events that were set into motion it would end in _someone's_ death. The only thing he could hope to achieve was convincing Rem that he was innocent.

"Excuse me, I think you should leave." Light said politely, pretending not to have noticed Misa yet.

"Huh?" The man said at the same time as Misa exclaimed her words of recognition.

"Light! What are you doing here! Misa is so glad to see you!" She said happily, immediately standing from her seat and hooking her arm around Light's in an obvious display of affection.

"D'you 'no 'im?" The man slurred at Misa, waving his hands towards Light.

"Yes. He's my boyfriend." Misa said happily, squeezing Light's arm tighter.

"Misa, I think we should leave." Light said quietly, eyeing the drunk man warily. He knew what was going to happen; he knew he'd attack Misa at some point, and if Rem saw it he was certain she'd save Misa. That didn't mean the man _wouldn't_ attack Light, however. The man wasn't being controlled by a Death Note, which meant he could act different than what he was supposed to. It wasn't impossible that he stabbed Light before he attempted to take Misa's life. If the man was going to kill him, then Rem would know. She'd be able to tell that his own lifespan was shortened down as well, and knowing the Shinigami, it wasn't impossible that she'd let the drunk man kill Light before she saved Misa. There was also the possibility of Rem seeing through his act, and then killing him herself, as revenge for having put Misa's life in danger.

"'Oy! Where d'ya think yer goin'?" The man slurred as he stood from his seat and walked shakily so that he was standing between Misa and Light, and the exit.

" _Eeep!"_ Misa said quietly, hiding partially behind Light to get away from the drunk man.

"Missy, Why don't 'cha come with me?" He said, taking an unsteady step sideways so that he could see more of Misa, who in turn moved further out of his view, using Light as a shield.

"Clearly she doesn't want to come with you, so I suggest you leave." Light said, his voice far calmer than he really felt.

"I dun' think so." The man said as he pulled out the knife he'd kept hidden inside of his jacket, and then he launched himself at the two people standing in front of him.

-x-

Rem watched in horror as the drunk man launched himself at Light and her precious Misa. She watched as Light grabbed the arm that was holding the knife and directed it away from himself. She watched how Misa shrieked and screamed for someone, _anyone_ to help her beloved Light. She watched as the drunk man managed to twist away from Light's grip and turn towards the brunette, anger evident in his face. The man lunged at Light again, this time it was obvious that Light would be unable to stop him, and it seemed Light realised this as well because he twisted away from the path of the drunk man instead of attempting to block him, and suddenly there was nothing but a few centimetres between the drunk man and Misa. Misa's scream pierced through Rem's skull, making her ears ring a she watched Misa back slowly away, her hands in front of herself as if trying to ward the drunk man off.

 _59…_

Rem looked at the number over Misa's head rapidly decreasing despite Light grabbing the drunk man from behind in an attempt at restraining him.

 _56…_

She looked on as the drunk man managed to plant an elbow in Light's gut, making the brunette release his hold on him.

 _54…_

She watched Light hunch over in pain, his expression twisted in agony as he struggled to regain his composure.

 _53…_

As Light grabbed the drunk man by the scruff of his neck and pulled him backwards, Rem understood that Light couldn't be faking it. The boy was fighting for real.

 _51…_

Rem watched as Misa cupped her hands in a silent prayer.

 _48…_

And then with rising horror as Misa rolled up her sleeves and walked purposefully towards the drunk man, and Light who was trying to twist the knife out of his grip.

 _46…_

Light and the drunk man were both holding the knife's handle, making it impossible for anyone else to grab it. Despite this Misa chose to grab the knife's blade with her bare hand, and then applied pressure against the sharp side to aide Light in his conquest.

 _43…_

Rem let out a desperate wail as she hurriedly scribbled down the name of the drunk man. Misa's remaining life-span was still being drained rapidly, and it was evident that Light was unable to change that, even if he'd claimed that he would.

 _9302…_

Rem let out a sigh of relief as she saw that she'd made it. The numbers above Misa's head was racing upwards. She watched worriedly at the blood running from Misa's hand, and how the brave, blonde girl did all she could with her tiny little body to help the man she loved.

Rem let out a sigh of relief as, after what felt like forever, the drunk man clutched his chest in obvious pain, and then crumpled to the floor. She watched the shocked expression of Misa who then looked wildly around the room until she saw Rem. She froze and seemed to understand what had happened, even if all she had to go on was what Rem had told her in the bathroom at the building the Yotsuba group used as their headquarters, which wasn't much at all.

" _Thank you."_ Misa mouthed in Rem's direction before she buried his face in Light's chest. Rem watched in satisfaction as Light enveloped the petite girl in his arms and rested his chin gently on top of her head. Light would keep Misa safe while she was gone, he was a better man than most, especially L, and regardless of his promise to Rem he wouldn't allow Misa to suffer needlessly.

As Rem assured herself that Misa would be safe, even in her absence, she felt her body crumble, turning rapidly into dust and sighed. It wasn't painful at all, it just felt a bit strange. She was about to close her eyes as a final controlled gesture before she disappeared completely, when she saw something the made her heart freeze; Ryuk. He was floating slowly into the café laughing merrily, barely able to keep himself floating vertically. And at that moment Rem knew she had been tricked.

That was the last thing Rem thought about before she turned into dust.

"Good news Light! He was already a criminal. You owe me Light-o." An inhuman voice said from behind him, and Light turned to see Ryuk with a satisfied grin on his face. He nodded before he turned his attention back to Misa.

"Misa, do you want to get out of here for a little while?" Light asked carefully.

"Yes." Misa said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Wait right outside, I'll just grab my coat, ok?" Light said. Misa looked at him hesitantly before she nodded and did as he said.

"Ryuk, if you give that Death Note to Misa, then you can have the one Rem dropped. Is that fine with you?" Light asked.

"Makes no difference to me, so I don't see why not. Don't really need two either y'know." Ryuk chuckled as he floated over to the pile of dust and picked up the Death Note that was lying in the middle of it.

Light walked over to the table where he had been sitting and grabbed his coat. He looked at his untouched piece of cake for a moment, thinking of L and his obsession with sweets, and then he decided that L had more than enough sweets available already; he didn't need more.

Light walked out of the café, ignoring the calls of the people wondering if he was ok, and suggesting that he wait for an ambulance. When he exited the café, he was surprised that Misa didn't instantly assault him with hugs and squeaky-sounds.

"Misa, follow me." He said quietly as he offered his arm to her. She nodded carefully and hooked her arm around his appreciatively, clearly in need of the comfort of Light's closeness.

Light led her a few streets away from the café, and into a dark and narrow alley.

"Ryuk." Light said curtly as he looked at the Shinigami. Ryuk shrugged and dropped the Death Note onto the ground in front of Misa.

Misa was startled, and tensed up a bit as she saw the dark object materialise in front of herself, but didn't make a big number out of it. She looked questioningly at Light, despite already being aware of what was going on; Rem had already told her while they were investigating the Yotsuba group after all.

"Pick it up." Light said encouragingly.

 _Oh Light! You've remembered._ Misa thought happily, as she smiled broadly at Light. She crouched and reached out towards the Death Note, and just as she grabbed it, she felt Light's hand cover her mouth right before she screamed.

She was assaulted by memories of Rem, and writing names in the Death Note, and making videos and sending to the police, and admiring the original Kira from a distance and then finally finding her wonderful and handsome knight in shining armour, Light.

"Shhhh. It's ok." Light said soothingly in her ear when Misa finally stopped screaming.

"Misa remembers." Misa breathed out. It was so strange for her to finally have all of her memories back after having known of what she'd done for what felt like such a long time. It seemed surreal to her that she'd been walking around for so long without remembering something so important as being the second Kira; being Light's eyes.

 _Oh no! The eyes!_ Misa thought frantically as she realises that she didn't have the Shinigami eyes anymore.

"I don't have the eyes anymore!" Misa said. "Misa will trade for them right away!"

"No!" Light interjected before Misa had the opportunity to address Ryuk. "That will not be necessary. I actually need you to give up your memory again." Light said as he tucked a few strands of hairs behind Misa's hair in what he hoped to be an adequately affectionate gesture.

"Why? Misa has finally gotten her memories back! She wants to be useful." Misa said, her big eyes slowly filling with water at the thought of losing her precious memories again. They were memories of how the Shinigami Jealous had sacrificed himself for her, and how Rem had done the same only a few minutes prior. They were memories of how she had met her beloved Light, and how he had sacrificed his own soul to save the world.

"Because things are dangerous right now, and it is safer for you not to remember. I'd prefer for you to give up ownership of the Death Note right away, however there is one thing I need you to do first." Light said.

"Of course! I will do anything for you!" Misa said.

"Good. Then listen closely, and do exactly as I say…"

-x-

"… and then he clutched his chest and fell to the ground, dead, because of a heart attack! Kira saved Misa again! Yay!" Misa finished her extremely long retelling of the dramatic events at the café. She was hugging Light's arm tightly the same way she had done back at the café, and even rubbing her cheek on his shoulder in a possessive manner. If he didn't know any better, Light would have thought it was an attempt to make L jealous, though of which one of them he didn't know.

"Wow, must have been scary…" L said, his voice monotonous, as it usually was around others. Light studied L intently as L and Misa spoke; L hadn't even commented his absence, nor the fact that he returned with Misa, something that greatly unnerved Light. The detective was masking his emotions so thoroughly, that Light was unable to tell what he was thinking at all underneath his stoic mask.

"Misa knows! It was so scary!" Misa exclaimed loudly, and Light winced at the loud sound, and then decided to carefully reclaim possession of his arm and put some distance between himself and the blonde girl, in case she decided to make another high-pitched sound.

"When did you realize that the scary looking man was after your life?" L asked. It seemed he'd decided to humour Misa for a little while longer.

During this whole spectacle, Ryuk had been hovering surprisingly silently behind Light, quietly paying attention to the conversation, and eyeing the pale, raven haired detective up carefully.

"As soon as he entered the café Misa knew something was wrong, and since a man has tried to kill Misa before, I suspected that he could be after Misa's life!" Misa said dramatically.

"What would you have done if Kira didn't save you?" L asked seriously. At the word "Kira" he glanced towards Light, who was stubbornly looking away ignoring both L's gaze and Ryuk's _very_ amused laughter. Ryuk clearly found the detectives not-so-subtle hints at what in Ryuk's eyes was suspicion of Light's real identity _very_ entertaining.

"Well, Light was fighting him, and I tried to help. That's how I got this." Misa said and indicated her now bandaged hand.

"I see. Well, thank you for your thorough recount of the incident. I appreciate that you told me yourself instead of waiting for the news to reach me through other means." L said, clearly dismissing the blonde girl.

"Misa, you should go now." Light said before Misa had the time to protest at L's sudden cold behaviour.

"Oh. Ok." Misa said, looking genuinely sad. Light couldn't blame her though, the moment she left the building she would have to relinquish her precious memories, _again_.

"It's ok, we'll see each other another time. I'll show you out." Light said, already guiding Misa towards the exit of the main room, Ryuk floating after them while laughing quietly to himself at the sudden evolvement of the situation. To him it seemed that a great deal of things had happened in the time he'd been back in the Shinigami world.

"Thank you…" Misa said quietly, and Light nodded slightly in acknowledgment of her words.

"Light-kun, meet me upstairs after you've shown Misa out, I have something regarding the case to discuss with you." L said just as Light and Misa reached the door.

"I'll be right up." Light replied over his shoulder before he and Misa exited the room.

"That's the second time Misa has avoided death thanks to a Death Note." Matsuda commented after Light and Misa had left.

"It is rather suspicious, isn't it?" L muttered as he chewed gently on the nail of his thumb.

"But she can't be Kira, or the second Kira though. The discovery of the Death Note and its rules proved that." Matsuda said immediately. It was obvious he didn't want anyone to suspect Light and Misa. In his eyes they were both too kind and gentle to actually be Kira.

"Yeah, wasn't that convenient." L said stoically as he stood from his seat.

"Are you implying something?" Soichiro said, his voice not entirely benign.

"No, Yagami-san, not at all." L said as he shuffled towards a different door than the one Light and Misa had just left through. "I was just thinking out loud…"

-x-

 **Ah shiet. L is salty.**

 **There didn't seem to be too much interest in the extra content so I'll hold off on that thought. For everyone else struggling with midterm and tests and presentations and essays and the like, hang in there!**


	13. Ch 13: Till he Spears You with his Lance

**So several of you were sad about the way I removed Rem from the story, and in hindsight it was pretty cruel, but when I initially planned out and wrote that part the only thing on my mind was L and Light. Also, the drama queen in me wanted to make it as impactful as possible. So please do forgive me. xD**

 **Proofread by: Morcuen**

 **Words: 5257**

 **Chapter 13: 'Till he Spears You With his Lance**

"Where were you?" L asked the moment Light entered their apartment. He knew L wasn't talking about showing Misa out. The detective wanted to know where he'd gone after L had fallen asleep.

"You just received the detailed recount of what happened while I was out." Light said tensely, knowing that L wouldn't be satisfied with just the "official" story, that everyone in the taskforce had received. He'd told them that he'd stopped by the café to eat lunch after finishing the errand he was supposed to be doing.

"Yes, but that doesn't explain why you left in the first place." L said.

" _He's a sharp one, Light, this doesn't look good for you."_ Ryuk said with a chuckle. Light blatantly ignored him, only causing Ryuk laugh even harder.

"I left you a-" Light began, but L cut him short before he had the opportunity to finish his sentence.

"We both know that was a lie. After this morning, I am inclined to believe that you didn't go out to have me killed, but that doesn't mean you aren't continuing your role as Kira in secret. Amane-san's recount also points to that." L said sternly.

"I... I made sure Misa would never be able to become Kira again. I went to check that she was doing fine after I… I burned her Death Note." Light lied, all the while feeling the uncomfortable pressure of the book against his lower back where it was tucked under his waistband and hidden from sight. At this Ryuk quieted so that he could pay proper attention to the conversation, clearly finding it intriguing.

"Then you admit that Misa Amane was the second Kira?" L asked, eyeing Light critically.

"Yes." Light said firmly. He knew that L would never apprehend her, as long as she didn't have her memories. Besides his purely selfish reasons for taking on difficult criminal cases, L always gave people the impression that he was a firm believer in justice and redemption. As long as Misa didn't remember ever being Kira there was no way she'd revert back into being a killer. Even if it was rather L-like to capture Misa despite knowing that the memories of being a killer was gone, Light also knew that L really wasn't all that interested in Misa; she was too stupid. L knew that she'd mostly just gone along with what Light wanted, which meant that at the end of the day Light had been L's only real opponent.

"And you are absolutely certain she can't regain her memories?" L asked sceptically.

"Yes. I made sure of it myself." Light lied. It took everything he had not to give away anything while he sat there, under the world's greatest detective's scrutinising gaze. He didn't know what had come over him; originally he'd intended to tell L about the Death Note, however when it finally came down to it he couldn't bring himself to give it away.

"And she didn't die?" L asked, obviously already knowing the answer.

"No. That was a fake rule. Just like the other one that you've already concluded was a fake the moment I confessed." Light said, referring to the rule that said that the owner had to keep writing in the Death Note, unless they wanted to die after 13 days.

" _What? You confessed?"_ Ryuk said suddenly, clearly not having expected to hear that during L and Light's conversation.

"And that is all?" L asked with narrowed eyes.

Light hesitated for a moment, considering what else to tell L, before he decided to tell him about Rem too; L would notice that she was gone sooner or later either way. It was better to tell him right there and then. Waiting would only conclude him in having to explain why he'd withheld the information. L would want to know how "Kira" had saved him and Misa anyways.

"Rem followed me because I am the owner of the Death Note, as you already suspected… She was the one who saved Misa when she was attacked, and in doing so, she died." Light explained hesitantly.

"Explain." L said curtly.

"Rem. She loved Misa. Shinigami are only meant to take lives, so when they kill someone with the intention of extending someone else's life they have to pay for it; with their own lives." Light explained.

"You knew this." L stated, and Light flinched; he knew what was coming next. "Did you plan this?" L asked, his voice hard.

"No. I didn't." Light immediately denied it.

"It is obvious for anyone who have observed you in Misa's company that you do not hold any affection for the girl, and now you tell me that this Shinigami did. Was Rem ever a threat to you?" L asked and Light tensed. He knew it would be risky to tell L the truth, but every time he lied to the detective the chance of being able to lie to him again decreased. It was common knowledge that if you lied enough times to a person they would learn to recognise whatever signs you gave away whenever you lied, no matter how hard you tried hiding them. And Light knew that there were still many things he'd have to lie to L about if he wanted stay in L's good graces. Coming to a conclusion about what to do wasn't made easier by Ryuk's insane laughter in the background. The Shinigami was clearly enjoying himself immensely as he observed this new and unpredicted development of the case.

"I do not know. It is a possibility, but she never outright told me that she loved Misa. So I couldn't be certain that she would do anything to me." Light said, deciding to go for a half-truth. Rem _hadn't_ told him that she loved Misa.

"What happened to Rem's Death Note? I know she had one too." L asked, suddenly changing his pace completely, taking Light off guard.

 _Shit. He's going to want to see it. I could lie and tell him that I don't have it, that I burned that one too, but he'll never believe that I willingly burned a Death Note without reason. He suspects- no, he definitely knows how attached a person can get to the Death Notes. I could tell him that it disappeared with Rem, but then he would wonder why Rem had a spare Death Note, the one she gave to Misa,_ and _one of her own. It wouldn't make any sense, since the other one would have disappeared with its previous owner. If I show Misa's Death Note to him now he'll see Ryuk as well, because Ryuk is the new owner of the Death Note, since he picked it up… And he'll notice Misa's writing in it, and then he'll know I lied when I said I burned it. Ryuk isn't as tight-lipped as Rem was either, and there are many things I'm not ready for L to know yet… Dammit, there's really only one thing I can do here…_

"Ryuk, you don't _need_ Rem's Death Note, right?" Light said, addressing Ryuk directly. This made Ryuk go silent and L speak up, his voice sharp.

"Is there another Shinigami here?" He asked.

"Yes, L." Light said dismissively, all his attention focused on Ryuk. "Would you want to give it to him? He'll be just as fun as me, that I can guarantee you." Light said slyly. This made Ryuk laugh again.

" _Sure. Why not?"_ Ryuk said through his laughter.

"What is it saying?" L asked, his voice betraying how insecure he felt while not having complete control of the situation. Instead of answering Light kept his gaze focused upon Ryuk as the Shinigami floated over to L and dropped the Death Note straight into his lap.

L's hand jerked at the unexpected appearance of the object, the only sign that he'd been startled, before he looked up at the Shinigami looming over him.

"Ah. Nice to meet you, I'm L." L said monotonously as he took in Ryuk's frightening appearance. The Shinigami looked far more threatening than Rem, and he had to fight the urge to lean slightly away from Ryuk to gain a bit more distance between the two of them.

"I'm Ryuk. I've been following this one around since day one, until he gave up his memories. Being stuck in a cell for such a long time is horrible I tell you." Ryuk said, pointing his thumb in Light's general direction as he spoke about him.

"I don't doubt that for a second." L deadpanned, and Ryuk burst out laughing, for what he couldn't comprehend until the Shinigami spoke again, this time directing his words at Light instead of L.

"You're right, he's definitely entertaining." Ryuk said merrily, obviously satisfied with the situation.

"Tremendously so." L said flatly with just a hint of sarcasm in his voice, only to have the Shinigami burst out in another fit of laughter. It was clearly not what L had expected; he looked utterly lost as he sat there, Ryuk right next to him, laughing until his lungs – if he even had lungs – were empty, and then some more.

"Light-kun. Is this the one who likes apples or was that only a joke?" L asked, referring to the notes Light had had some criminals write before they died, early on in their game of cat and mouse.

"Apples?" Ryuk said before Light had the opportunity to even open his mouth. "Yes. I love apples. Do you have any?" Ryuk asked excitedly.

"Well, Ryuk-san, I could have Watari bring some here…" L said slowly as he studied Ryuk intently. It was obvious to Light that L was up to something. It seemed Ryuk had realised too because he narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms before he spoke.

"What's the catch?" Ryuk asked.

"Oh I just want you to answer some questions about the Death Note and how it works, Rem wasn't very helpful in that regard." L said, however as he said it he wasn't looking at Ryuk, but at Light. It hadn't gone unnoticed by him how Light had attempted to avoid revealing Ryuk's existence to him before he'd been practically forced up against a wall. It was something Light should have told him right away. It was obvious that he only could have appeared when Light ran out in the middle of the night or while he was at the café. Either way his admission about Ryuk's existence had been far overdue.

"You could just ask me, L." Light said tensely, unwittingly confirming L's theory.

"You've already shown that you are prone to hide things from me, for what reason I cannot comprehend at this point, but that's how matters are. Therefore, I suggest that you go down and take charge of the investigation. At least until they finish up for today, in a couple of hours, while I interrogate Ryuk here." L said firmly, not really leaving any room for discussion.

"But-" Light tried, but was instantly cut off by L.

"No buts, Light. Now I suggest you do as I say, I'd like to remind you that you're in a very vulnerable position." L said. The vague threat wasn't lost on Light, and it stung worse than he'd thought he was capable of being hurt at that point. Instead of replying, Light stood from where he was sitting on the couch in their living room and walked hurriedly out of the room. He didn't know how to reply to such a hurtful remark, especially with Ryuk present, and therefore decided to just leave without a word. Just as he was about to close the door behind himself, however, he changed his mind.

"Your position isn't much better, L Lawliet, I still have my watch." He said acridly before he pulled the door shut and left, not leaving L room for any comebacks, instantly regretting his words after he'd spoken them.

 _Why did he have to go and threaten me right after I risked my life for him?_ Light thought bitterly as he walked briskly down the hallway towards the elevator.

"Hohoho. Intense." Ryuk muttered to himself as he watched Light leave the room.

"Ryuk-san, I've understood that the "eyes" make it possible to kill without a person's name. It is safe to assume, since the killing tool is a book where you have to write the name, that you in fact learn the name somehow." L said, remembering the fake journal Misa had sent the police before she met Light. To his great pleasure, his words instantly gained him Ryuk's full and undivided attention.

"I'll say this right away; I'm not helping you humans. That's not any fun for me." Ryuk said.

"Then there's no way for me to obtain the ability to learn people's names?" L asked.

"Sure there is, that's not counted as helping. You're technically the owner of that death Note now, and only the owner of a Death Note can do the eye deal, but it will cost you." Ryuk said, a sinister smile forming on his face.

-x-

"Great work today everyone. I know things are looking rather hopeless right now, but we just have to stay determined and we will persevere." Light said to the rest of the taskforce. It was late in the evening and he'd been giving out orders and instructions to the rest of the team for over three hours while L had been alone with Ryuk in their apartment. He imagined it was what things would have been like for him if L died and he took over as the second L. It was a strange feeling, but he didn't have much time to ponder it, because every silent moment went to worrying about L. It was unnerving to say the least; knowing that L was all alone with the wicked Shinigami. There was no telling what Ryuk would reveal, especially when bribed with apples. Furthermore, L would probably be able to read more into what Ryuk _did_ say than what he probably intended to reveal as well. Light could only hope that he wouldn't say anything that would make L doubt what Light had told him so far even more than he already did.

"When will Ryuuzaki resume working with us? He's been so frequently absent lately. Earlier he was only here for a short time while you were out on that errand and ran into Misa and all of that." Matsuda said, clearly dissatisfied with the detective's elusive behaviour. It was easy to tell that the young ex-police officer admired L greatly, and that working with him had been a great honour for him. Having the detective suddenly pull away from the rest of the team and stay in his apartment by himself, or with Light more and more often was surely a great disappointment for him.

"He had urgent business to take care of; otherwise he'd have been here. I believe it is safe to assume that he'll resume working together with us tomorrow again. Knowing him he'll already be done with whatever he's doing by then." Light said with a benign smile.

"Couldn't he have done his private work during the night? He doesn't sleep anyways…" Matsuda said.

"That doesn't mean it's healthy for him. You shouldn't encourage his insomnia Matsuda, it's a serious illness, even if it doesn't seem to bother Ryuuzaki all that much." Soichiro interfered sternly, and Light had to hide a smile. His father was such a righteous person no matter what situation he was in. Even going as far as defending L who had had himself handcuffed to his own son, and convinced him to trick Light into thinking that he was going to kill him. Light knew he never would have done it if he didn't really agree, but it was still harsh. And no matter how much Soichiro respected L, he would probably never be able to completely forgive the detective for all the inhumane things he'd done during the span of the investigation.

"Sorry chief!" Matsuda replied hurriedly, clearly flustered after having been reprimanded.

"No matter. If anyone can figure this case out it has to be Ryuuzaki and Light; we've all seen how well they work together." Soichiro said confidently, doing a small nod of acknowledgement Light's direction.

"When they aren't trying to kill each other, that is…" Matsuda muttered underneath his breath. Unfortunately for him, Soichiro still heard what he said.

"Ryuuzaki doesn't have the same kind of real life experience that my son has, as is obvious to anyone who ever meets him, therefore I believe it is necessary for him to have someone to keep him grounded when working on such a difficult case as this. When facing a brutal and heartless killer it is easy to attempt fighting fire with fire." Soichiro said a bit pointedly, earning a very sheepish look from Matsuda.

"Thank you father, you give me too much credit. I'd never be able to pull off what L has done so far on my own. He pushes me to work harder." Light said gracefully as he walked over to his father and Matsuda with the intention of accompanying them to the exit.

"As long as you don't over-exert yourself. When will you come home? You should at least pay your mother and sister a visit, they miss you very much." Soichiro said.

"I don't know father, I want to focus everything I have on catching Kira right now, he may think he has outwitted us, but we won't fall for it." Light said, feigning determination. In truth, the only thing felt right then was slightly nauseous at the thought of ending the Kira case. How were they supposed to pull it off without turning Light in? Would L give up on him at some point, and betray him? Light shivered at the thought.

"Of course son, I am so very proud of you. To think that you would be recognised by, and get to work with the great L at such a young age." Soichiro said, his voice thick. He almost seemed ready to shed a tear at the prospect of his son's achievements.

"Thank you." Light said, his voice inflectionless. He knew that his father was right; not everything he'd achieved so far was something just anyone could do, like being Kira, and pretending to work with L while he, in reality, was trying to kill him, but at that point it wasn't something he was proud of. All he felt when he thought back at his actions was disgust and the urge to throw up. If Soichiro found out the full extent of what Light had done; how many people he had killed, he'd probably have a heart attack.

"We'll see you tomorrow!" Matsuda said happily as they reached the security checkout of the building.

"Yes. Let's work hard tomorrow as well." Light replied as he watched the taskforce file through the metal scanner, type in their personal passwords and then pick up their mobile phones and other articles they'd been unable to bring into the building. After they'd picked up their belongings they walked towards the staircase that led down to the large underground garage.

Right before Soichiro closed the door after the group, he sent on final searching glance in Light's direction. He seemed to be trying to dissect Light with his gaze, but what he was searching for was beyond Light. When Soichiro finally left Light stood still for a few moments, contemplating what he'd just witnessed.

 _What was that all about…?_ Light wondered before he shrugged and headed back towards the elevator. If his father wanted to tell him something, he'd come forth with it sooner or later.

-x-

"So… Aren't you gonna test it out?" Ryuk asked after what felt like an eternity of silence. After L was done interrogating him, the detective had just walked over to the window where he'd been standing until now, barely moving a muscle.

"What for?" L asked monotonously without looking at Ryuk.

"To test that it works?" Ryuk suggested. The detective had an ability to make him feel stupid no matter what he said. Ryuk even got the feeling that standing in front of the window, gazing out on the cityscape was the most natural thing to do right then, which, when he really thought about it, it absolutely wasn't. It was just the confidence with which L said and did everything, which made him think otherwise. Even Light, who seemed to be just as smart as L, acted in more predictable and logical ways, in Ryuk's opinion.

"I don't doubt for a second that it does." L said with an almost imperceptible shrug.

"Well, aren't you frightened then? You just lost many years to live." Ryuk said.

"And you just confirmed that I have many years left to live as well; that is reassuring." L said. He couldn't suppress the small smile that forced itself forth as he watched Ryuk's reaction to his words through his reflection in the window.

"Well you won't grow old. I thought that was what all of you humans wanted." Ryuk said as he crossed his arms. He sounded slightly upset with himself at his slip-up, which was understandable, everything taken into consideration. Doing things that would help L or Light along in their human struggle seemed to be the last thing the Shinigami wanted to do. It was probably far more exciting to watch them claw and tear and fight their way forwards, metaphorically speaking.

"Growing old is one of my greatest fears, so that means you've just done me a great favour." L said quietly. It felt strange to reveal such a secret to the Shinigami, but soon after he'd said it he realised that it wasn't strange at all. Now that he was certain he'd never grow old he didn't fear it in the slightest, and thus it wasn't really anything to keep secret anymore.

"Eh? How could that scare you?" Ryuk asked, clearly confused. Since L had learnt that Ryuk was a being that lived to continuously lengthen his own life, it wasn't strange at all to L that Ryuk didn't understand him.

"Because when humans grow older our brain start disintegrating. We become gradually dumber. I've probably already reached my peak, I'm 25 already… My intelligence is everything to me." L said with a shrug.

"Hmmm… You're a weirdo." Ryuk said finally, after having mulled L's words over for a few minutes.

"You're not the first to tell me that." L said, not entirely hiding his amusement from his voice. This clearly did not go unnoticed by the Shinigami who actually burst out laughing at L's words.

"So you two seem to have become friends quickly." A voice said from the door. L turned around and took in Light's tense appearance and sighed almost imperceptibly. Light was clearly uncomfortable with the idea of L being alone with the Shinigami. This confirmed that Light was hiding things from L, and that Ryuk had information that would enable him to figure it out.

"Ryuk-san, why don't you go and empty the kitchen of apples as a reward for what little pieces of information you've let slip so far?" L said, keeping his gaze firmly locked onto Light to make sure that he didn't miss any of Light's reactions to what he said. Light merely raised an eyebrow in question, otherwise he didn't really react.

"Hoho, well don't mind if I do then." Ryuk said and then he floated down through the floor, leaving Light and L on their own.

"So… Did you learn what you hoped to learn?" Light asked apprehensively after what felt like ten minutes of silent staring at each other.

"I suppose I did." L said stoically, wondering if he should tell Light or not.

What he had learnt wasn't purely related to the case, he'd also discovered certain pieces of information related to his past. After having questioned Ryuk he had learnt things that led him to believe that the deceased Beyond Birthday also had had the Shinigami eyes. It was impossible to know exactly how he had acquired them, but it explained a lot about him as a person in general. It had been a mere coincidence that L had connected the dots in such a way, but it had still been a wonderful revelation. He hated not knowing things, and therefore things that he didn't understand because he lacked a piece of information was nearly impossible to forget, just like the mysterious lullaby that Watari seemed so intent on keeping a secret from him.

"Are you going to be keeping secrets from me, L?" Light asked pointedly, effectively pulling L out of his musings. L narrowed his eyes but decided against calling Light out on his own secretive behaviour. Even though the brunette was keeping secrets from him, he was also still in a very unstable mental state, and it would be wiser to tread a bit carefully around him. He'd already been foolish enough to threaten Light earlier.

"Not at all Light-kun, I was just fascinated. I did the trade for the Shinigami eyes, I can now see your name floating over your head. It is very strange." L said monotonously. His past "association" with Beyond Birthday was unimportant, and not worth mentioning to Light. The younger man had enough to worry about already.

"You did… what?" Light said in disbelief as he walked slowly towards L. His expression was gradually morphing into one of horror.

"I did the eye-trade with Ryuk." L said, edging cautiously away from Light all the while the brunette drew ever closer. Suddenly Light seemed to be looming over L, and L felt obliged to straighten his spine to match Light's height.

"Why?" Light said faintly, just as L's back collided with the cold surface of the window he'd just been gazing out of. When Light was within an arm's reach he began raising his arms towards L's slender frame, making L feel trapped where he was standing. He felt himself tense at the intense look in Light's eyes and wondered what on earth Light was going to do next, and then, just as he was about to push Light to the side to get away from the suffocating pressure he was being subjected to he was pulled into a hug.

"Why would you do that you moron?" Light asked shakily into his shoulder, barely able to keep his voice steady.

"What?" L asked in confusion, his mind suddenly going blank.

Instead of answering him, Light only hugged him closer, burying his face into the detective's neck. It was taking everything he had not to break down into a sobbing mess. He didn't expect L to understand why he was so greatly affected by the thought of losing him, he barely understood it himself. Even though the detective had admitted that he cared about Light, Light was still certain that emotions in general were fairly alien to L.

"Light-kun. You are making it rather hard to breathe." L muttered quietly. It wasn't entirely true, but the compromising situation was becoming rather awkward for him, and he needed space to be able to think properly again. For reasons he couldn't understand, it was nearly impossible to collect himself enough to form coherent thoughts while he was wrapped in Light's arms. After a few moments without response, he tried pushing gently at Light's hips. It was the only part of Light he could reach while his arms were trapped against his sides.

"I don't care." Light muttered back finally, squeezing even harder. That really _did_ make it hard for L to breathe.

"Light." L croaked out, hoping the brunet would understand when he heard L struggling to draw breath.

"Sorry." Light said, immediately letting go of L while looking slightly embarrassed.

"What is wrong?" L asked seriously, trying to get eye contact with Light.

"Noth-"

"Don't lie to me." L said sharply. "I don't want you to end up in the hospital again."

At those words Light actually backed way as if L had just hit him. He stared at L with wide, clearly hurt eyes before he turned on his heel and stormed into their bedroom, slamming the door shut behind himself. L barely hesitated before he rushed after Light.

"Light-kun?" L said cautiously as he opened the door to the bedroom. He was met with the sight of Light lying wrapped up in one of their duvets on the queen-sized bed, with his back towards the door.

"I didn't mean to offend you." L tried to say when he reached the edge of the bed, where he sat down gingerly, pulling his legs up towards his chest in his trademark position.

"I hate this." Light muttered shakily from beneath the duvet.

"What do you hate?" L asked curiously. There was still so much about Light that he didn't understand, and every single day he acted in new ways; did new things, that L had no clue how to respond to.

"You wouldn't understand even if I told you." Light said as he sat up, his back still towards L. This time his voice seemed far more calm and collected, and L knew that he was gathering himself again. Soon it would be impossible to get anything out of him again.

"Well the chances of me understanding anything are even lower if you refuse to tell me anything." L stated calmly, hoping to bait Light into revealing something, _anything._ He wanted to assess Light's mental state to make sure that he wasn't going to do anything stupid in the nearest future.

"Perhaps I don't want you to know." Light said and did what looked like shrug beneath the duvet that was still wrapped around his shoulders.

"I, on the other hand, really want to know. If you don't tell me then I'll jump to conclusions." L said. He hoped Light wouldn't take it as a threat, even though it sounded like one.

Unfortunately, it seemed like he did, because he turned around and looked rather annoyed with L's persistence.

"It won't make a difference." Light said. He sounded bitter, but for what reason L couldn't comprehend at all. It made him infuriatingly curious; he wanted to know.

 _What is going on inside of that head of yours Light?_ L thought, gently nibbling his thumb as he studied his object of fascination

"I want to help you Light. I will be here for you no matter what, you just have to open up to me." L said. He meant what he said. He really did. Therefore, he couldn't understand Light's reply.

"You don't know what you're offering. I will kindly refuse. Keep me busy and I'm sure I'll figure things out with time. If I don't then… well. That's that." Light said curtly, and L knew his chance had gone. Light had completely closed off again, no trace of his earlier vulnerability present.

L looked at Light for a long moment before he sighed and got up from the bed with the intention of leaving Light alone. The brunette seemed to want some time to himself, and sure enough, just as L reached the door Light spoke again.

"I'm going to bed early, I'm tired." Light muttered.

"Goodnight. Sleep well." L said in reply, and then he left Light alone.

 _Well then, what should I do while he sleeps?_ L wondered.

-x-

 **Writing Ryuk was sooo fun! I hope you all liked it too!**

 **Also, I'm in a bit of a shock right now, because two days ago I was at this party, with some of my closer friends and some that I am just getting to know. We can't have been more than 12 people or so. It was supposed to be a cosy affair after a long week, instead it ended with my crazy ex showing up. He grabbed me by my throat, pulled me backwards through the room and tossed me on the bed spouting nonsense about stuff I can't even remember.. Then he attacked a random guy sitting next to me, screaming that he'd kill him, getting him in a proper headlock and all. I tried to pull him off and he actually did after a while. Then he tried to break a bottle, prolyl with the intention of using it as a weapon, luckily it didn't work, so instead he threw it towards me. He missed my head by a few inches… He decided to leave then, probably because he knew the police would be coming… So yeah. I am just saying because first thing tomorrow, I'm going to the doctor to get sick leave from school for a little while, and I will report the guy to the police. I'm literally scared of going outside at this point, so yeah. Dunno what will happen in the next few weeks, but it's going to be a drag that's for sure.**

 **On a brighter note, we have over a 100 followers now! I am awed to have been able to make a story that has caught the interest of so many people! You all really are a great motivation.**


	14. Ch 14: (No Title Yet)

**I will update the name for this chapter later, I just couldn't think of anything without having an outline for the next chapter (what with the titles being supposed to rhyme and all).**

 **So, the incident in November affected me more than I had expected, and I was on sick leave from school for several weeks. Only last week was I in court and delivered my statement against the guy, and I nearly had a breakdown because he was sitting RIGHT FUCKING THERE. And then had the audacity to message me on facebook (I thought I had blocked him, but apparently not…), and ask me if I was OK. Norway has an open court system, so a friend of mine who is studying law was watching the entire thing, and said that he confessed at the very end, which is good. I will know in a few days if/how he will be punished, and will keep you all up to date on my profile if you are interested. Meanwhile I have made the tough decision of putting this story on a break until summer. The reason is that being away from school so much has me lagging behind in nearly all of my subjects at school, and I need all my focus to keep up. As it is, I can't handle the pressure of having to write this story as well. I really do love writing however, and I promise you I will be back and continuing my writing.**

 **Thank you for all your concern and support, it means very much to me. c:**

 **Proofread by: Morcuen**

 **Word count: 4895**

 **Chapter 14:**

"Will you bring me some more tea Watari?" L asked into his phone while he typed rapidly at the keyboard with his free hand. He was currently sitting in the large cosy chair in the Livingroom in his and Light's apartment. He'd been working on smaller cases all night long to keep the reputation of his other aliases from falling. It was widely known that "L" was working on the Kira case, and therefore "L" didn't receive many job requests, but for all the world knew Eraldo Coil, Deneuve and all the other personas he'd taken on over the years weren't doing anything special, so constantly refusing to take on cases for them would seem strange.

" _Do you want anything to eat as well?"_ Watari's voice came through the phone. L considered the question for a few moments before he decided that he wasn't particularly hungry.

"No thank you. I am just finishing up a case for Deneuve. Could you send a new batch of requests to that Mail account, and then I'll pick another one that looks interesting later." L asked. At the beginning of his career as a detective, all the job requests had been sent to him, and then he'd filed through them and chosen the ones that looked the most interesting to solve. Back then he'd only had one alias to keep track of; L, and there hadn't been nearly as many requests as he received now.

When he'd begun to become more well-known he'd experienced his first assassination attempt. It had been on one of his first trips abroad. Someone had somehow managed to track his IP address through his contact mail and with the help of that information, they had found out which hotel he stayed in. Luckily, Watari had been with him, and had apprehended the man after mercilessly shooting him in the leg. That was when L decided that he wanted to learn how to use firearms, so that he would be able to defend himself in case of similar occurrences in the future. He knew that Watari wouldn't always be around to help him, and the next time he might be less lucky.

That was also when he'd realised that he needed higher security when he travelled around. He'd set up a server back at Wammy's House, which was used to receive his mails and nothing else. From there L could download the mails no matter where he was in the world, although it took longer the further away he was. It was a bit tedious, but it made it harder to track them, and even if the server at Wammy's was tracked down, the orphanage was too well protected; no one would be able to get in unless they knew all of the security systems in and out, which very few people who were alive did at that point. After he'd taken Eraldo Coil and Deneuve's aliases he'd opened separate accounts and means of contact for each of the personas. This was partially because that made it easier for him to keep track of which one he was working as at any given time, but mostly because it would seem strange for others if they noticed that L, Coil and Deneuve had the same means of being contacted.

After this, sorting through the mail had become too tedious for L, so he decided to have Watari do it for him, and then forward only some of the cases to L. Watari had worked with L for long enough to know more or less what interested the detective and what didn't. He also took the payments into account when he picked out which cases he would forward to L. He knew L didn't care much about the money in itself, but the detective also loved having the freedom to do whatever he wanted at any given time no matter the price, so having the means to do so was definitely something the raven preferred.

" _I will do so right after delivering your tea."_ Watari said through the phone and L nodded, more to himself than anything else, since Watari couldn't see him, and then he hung up, not seeing any point in continuing the conversation.

 _Now then, it's about time I start thinking about how to solve the Kira case._ L thought as he leaned back in the chair and sat down. He did this to take his weight off his legs so that the muscles could have a break and also to increase the blood flow there a bit. When he sat crouched down as he usually did his legs would eventually begin to go numb because his veins and arteries would be folded and pushed together under his knees, which hindered a lot of the blood circulation. It had gotten better over the years; it seemed his body had adapted quite well to the position, which he absolutely refused to give up on no matter how many horror stories Watari told him about what could happen. Apparently, the tissue in his legs could die if it didn't receive enough oxygen, and then he'd have to amputate. It wasn't a pleasant thought at all, but L firmly believed that since his body was able to stay in that position by itself without any prior training the likes of what ventriloquists did then it couldn't be _that_ dangerous. Also, he assumed it would hurt a bit if his tissue started dying, so he'd be able to give his legs a rest if it ever became an issue.

 _First I need to go over everything I've told the taskforce about what Kira is like as a person… The most obvious is that he's a genius. Anyone with half their brain functioning could figure that out. I've also told them that he's childish and that he's got a god complex of sorts. Other than my open suspicion of Light, I've never actually given them any other reasons to believe that Light specifically is Kira other than that Kira is a student and has police connections, thus the reason all of them refused to believe me whenever I accused him. I believe they would be less surprised if someone like me turned out to be Kira, in their minds he is a wicked lunatic, who has live isolated from the rest of the world, who lacks the ability to distinguish between right and wrong._

L unfolded his right leg and stretched it out completely, then he tucked it back against his chest and repeated the motion with his left leg without really paying any attention to what he was doing.

 _The taskforce will never let it go if we tell them that Light is Kira, even if we tell them that he has lost his memories they all have such strong morals it will ruin them. They trust and adore Light, so that is definitely not an option. That means that to solve the case we will have to put the blame on someone else… Blaming an innocent person is out of the question, Light became Kira to_ save _innocent people, to make the world safe for them; he'd never let an innocent person take his punishment for him, and then there is me, I wouldn't really do that either… I may care less for justice, but my sense of justice is far less twisted than his… I could never allow that. For me it's a matter of principle. So innocent people are out of the question._

 _Using a death row inmate wouldn't make much sense either, why would a mass murderer or child molester want to kill off criminals all over the world? If anything, I imagine they would condone all the heinous crimes being committed out there. At least some of them would…_

L barely noticed it when Watari entered the apartment with a large tray with tea and a bowl of sugar cubes on it. The old man walked quietly over to L and put the cup of tea and bowl down next to where his laptop was standing on the table.

 _If we can't put the blame on an innocent person, and neither on a criminal, that only leaves us with one option; we need to blame a dead person. But who though… we can't pick just anyone; they have to be recently deceased for starters… And the taskforce would want to know everything about them. This is going to be troublesome…_

"Is that all?" Watari asked, pulling L out of his thoughts.

"Yes, thank you. You may return to your office now." L said dismissively.

"I'll have a new list of requests sent to Deneuve within the hour." Watari said, and then he left L to his thoughts.

When Watari had left the room L turned his attention towards the tea he'd been left. He leaned forwards and perched himself into his usual crouch as he reached for the teacup and bowl of sugar, and just as he wrapped his fingers around the handle of the teacup his stomach let out a loud growl.

L looked perplexed down at his stomach.

 _Perhaps I am hungry after all._ He thought.

"Oh well, there's no hurry. It's not like I'm going to keel over anytime soon." He muttered as he proceeded to drop sugar cubes into his tea, remembering how Ryuk had told him that he had several years left to live. As he did, he heard the distinct sound of a door opening towards his right where the bedroom was.

 _It seems our sleeping beauty is finally awake._ L thought humorously as he glanced at his laptop. It was 8 am in the morning, which meant the Light had slept for quite some time. The taskforce left around 9 pm in the evening, and it hadn't been long after that that Light had gone to sleep, an hour at most, which meant that he had slept for roughly ten hours.

"I heard voices…?" Light said after he had closed the door behind himself.

"Good morning to you too, Light-kun." L said flatly. He was still dropping sugar cubes into his tea, watching the colour intently to make sure that he got the perfect balance between the sugar and the herbal-y substance, which frankly didn't taste very good by itself.

"… Good morning." Light said blandly.

"Watari was just here delivering me tea, you probably heard us talking together." L explained.

"I see. Well then… I'll just wash up and then I'll go eat." Light said before he began walking towards the bathroom.

"I think I'll join you for breakfast, if you don't mind." L called after Light. As he did, he tore his gaze away from the teacup to gauge Light's reaction to his words.

"Sure, suit yourself." Light said with a shrug. L almost felt disappointed by the lack of reaction to his words; Light seemed to be reining in his emotions more and more.

 _He seem to be putting his masks back on, one by one… I'm not sure I like it; it will make it harder to monitor his mental state this way. I will have to pay more attention to the smaller details if I want to ensure his continued well-being…_ L thought and then he turned back towards his tea, which had overflowed while he'd looked away.

 _Oh. I added too much sugar… This isn't drinkable…_

-x-

"How can you eat cake first thing in the morning? It can't possibly be good for you." Light asked as he critically eyed the triple layer chocolate cake that L was eating. After he had finished up with his morning routine, they had walked together down to the kitchen, where each had prepared their own breakfast. Light had made himself bread with ham, cheese and cucumber on. L had grumbled about how his perfectly good tea that Watari had brought him had been spoiled, somehow managing to place the blame on Light, until he opened the fridge and pulled out the largest, most delicious-looking cake he was able to find, and then proceeded to cut himself a humongous slice. When he was finally sitting by the table and eating his cake happily, he had stopped complaining about the tea.

"My body is still young and strong Light-kun, it can withstand the unhealthy diet I am putting it through. Besides; it tastes good, and my brain needs the sugar. Eating sweets is the most efficient way of obtaining the calories I need to be able to work at my best." L said through his spoonful's of cake.

"Well you won't be _'young and strong'_ forever." Light said pointedly. "When you become older you risk getting diabetes and heart diseases. You already do actually, you just refuse to realise it."

"And thank god for that. I would hate to have to grow old." L said with a playful smile as he bit into another spoonful of cake. The moment the sweet pastry hit his tongue he hummed appreciatively in response; he absolutely loved sweet things.

"I really, really want to hit you right now." Light said, his voice soft but tense, as if he was straining to keep himself under control. L looked up from his cake to take in Light's appearance. Although Light's face appeared blank, the brunette's shoulders were also tense like his voice, and L was willing to bet that his hands were clenched into fists in his lap.

"Why would you want that? Did I offend you?" L asked perplexed. Not at all having expected Light to react much to his words; to him, it had been a simple offhanded comment about how he would loathe to grow old, and he couldn't really see how that affected Light.

"You are so selfish, you know that?" Light said, and tilted his head forwards so that his bangs hid his face from L's view.

"I apologise, but I do not think I follow you… What do you mean?" L asked with a frown.

"Of course you don't, you don't ever think about anyone but yourself. I had to attempt to kill myself before you payed any attention to me besides your constant suspicion and accusations." Light said shakily.

"Is there something I have missed? You know I want to help you Light. I'm not good with… emotions." L said hesitantly. He knew he was faring dangerous waters that he knew nothing about. He had no idea how Light was going to react if he said or did anything wrong.

"Well no fucking shit detective. What was your first clue?" Light spat back at L, poorly concealed anger flashing in his eyes as he lifted his head and glared at the detective.

"The sarcasm is really uncalled for Light." L commented before he could stop himself; it was such a natural response for him. He knew he should think his replies through but it was hard to think anything at all when Light was staring him down like he was.

"It's your own fault you're stuck with me, so blame yourself." Light sneered.

"I don't dislike the idea of 'being stuck with you' as you so nicely put it... I sincerely apologise for whatever mistakes I've made. I will attempt to be more considerate in the future." L said slowly, hoping that Light would accept the apology. It would be troublesome if they ended up in another fistfight; especially since the wounds on Light's throat were still healing.

"Sure you will..." Light acquiesced grudgingly; his tone clearly stated that he didn't believe what L said at all, but for some reason he seemed to have found a reason to back down a bit.

"You know things would be far easier for me if you talked to me? I honestly do want to help, but it is hard for me when you refuse to open up to me." L said, hoping his words wouldn't offend Light in any way.

" _Sigh,_ I know, I know, you're an incompetent hermit when it comes to anything related to communication and being social." Light said resignedly, all the anger dissipating as he spoke.

"I suppose I deserved that." L said.

"No, no you didn't. I'm just a bit on edge, It's not fair of me to call you names. Sorry." Light said in reply.

"I forgive you." L said in lack of anything better to say. In response Light looked at L for a long moment, clearly contemplating how to respond, before he rolled his eyes almost imperceptibly.

 _Something is causing Light to hold back. Why is he locking himself off now? I thought we were finally getting somewhere when he admitted that he is Kira. At this point that seems like a small step forwards, and then the last two days have been two gigantic steps backwards…_ L thought as he ate the final piece of his cake. He looked down at his plate in, contemplating whether he should eat more or not. After a few seconds, he'd made up his mind.

L stood from his seat, grabbed his plate and walked over to the fridge. He opened the door and cut himself another large piece of the delicious chocolate cake before he returned to his seat again.

"Light-kun?" L said at the same time as Light spoke L's name; "L?"

"You go first L." Light said hurriedly.

"I was thinking about what you said last night."

"What? I said a lot of stupid stuff, I was really tired."

"About how you want me to keep you busy. I am under the understanding that it will help you… _deal_ with all that you have to deal with, and was thinking that you could have one of my high profile aliases. They are well-supplied with cases, and they earn a lot of money, and it would definitely keep you busy." L explained.

"Really?" Light said in surprise.

"Yes. I was thinking that you could have Deneuve if you'd like to? I'd prefer to keep Eraldo Coil, but if Deneuve's cases aren't enough you could have more of the low profile aliases as well. I have over a hundred."

"Seriously? You'll give me Deneuve?" Light asked incredulously. He'd expected L to want to regulate the cases he worked on, something he'd be unable to do if he gave Light full jurisdiction of one of his personas.

"I don't see why not. I trust you know what the consequences would be if anyone hired you to find information on 'L', and you actually give them crucial information. Worst case scenario: I die." L said with a shrug.

"Yes, of course, I'd never do that." Light said hastily in response, hardly believing what L was saying.

"Good. Here is all the information you will need. You just log onto this mail address and all the case requests will be there. When you want a new batch sent you just talk to me or Watari." L explained as he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and slid it over to Light. Light stared at it with wide eyes before he took it and put it into his own pocket.

"Thank you." Light said sincerely.

"Not at all." L said with a shrug, appearing not to mind giving away something he'd put so much work an effort into at all. "So. What was it you wanted to say, Light-kun?"

"Oh, that. It wasn't really anything important." Light said.

"Humour me." L countered, curious as to what Light had wanted to ask. Anything that could give him more information on the brunette was valuable.

"Well, I was just wondering about the bookcase in our Livingroom. The books in the middle shelf don't seem to be sorted, while the books on the other shelves in the same bookcase are sorted alphabetically, as is normal. Knowing you and how particular you are about everything, it just seemed strange to me. I was wondering if there was any reason why they were like that?"

"I was wondering how long it would take for you to notice." L said with a smirk, knowing immediately what Light was referring to.

"You were?" Light raised an eyebrow questioningly at the strange remark; it wasn't really normal to mess up a couple of books and then walk around waiting for someone to notice.

"Yes. Did you take note of how many books there was?" L said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"26." Light answered immediately.

"Correct. And their titles?" L prodded, as if it was significant.

"Well translated to English they were named; 1. The history of Japan, 2. The world around us, 3. My Fight, 4. How to write a good speech, 5. Greek Mythology, 6. Information technology, 7. How cars work, 8. Lord of the Rings, 9. Human anatomy, 10. Music theory, 11. Grimms' fairy tales, 12. Cosmetology, 13. Scientific methods and theories, 14. The Oxford English dictionary, 15. Outdated inventions, 16. The mind of the psychopath, 17. Architecture, 18. How to make you plants grow anywhere, 19. Chemistry, 20. What makes people tick, 21. All about HTML-coding, 22. Norse mythology, 23. Criminology, 24. A summary of the last 4.5 bill years, 25. Law and justice, 26. Quantum Mechanics." Light recited, naming the books by the order they were standing in the shelf.

"Did you look up the translations?" L asked, impressed that Light knew the Japanese titles for all the books, especially the ones that had been titled in languages that had a different alphabet than the standard Latin one.

"Yeah, last night. It was bothering me." Light tried to sound casual about it, but it was obvious to L that he felt a certain degree of pride at his own accomplishment.

"Of course it was." L said, somewhat knowingly. "In their original languages the titles are as following; 1. Nipponshi, 2. Na iontais na Bitheolaíochta, 3. Mein Kampf, 4. Cum de a scrie un discurs bun, 5. ellinikí mythología, 6. Jōhō gijutsu, 7. wie Autos funktionieren, 8. Lord of the Rings, 9. inche haebuhag, 10. Musikteori, 11. Kinder- und Hausmärchen, 12. Měiróng, 13. Videnskabelige metoder og teorier, 14. The Oxford English Dictionary, 15. zastarili vynakhody, 16. de geest van de psychopaat, 17. Arquitectura, 18. comment faire pousser vos plantes partout, 19. Chimica, 20. hvað gerir fólk merkið, 21. allt om HTML-kodning, 22. Norrøn mytologi, 23. Criminologia, 24. A summa 4.5 sescenti annis in novissimo, 25. Law and justice, 26. kvantová mechanika."

"Yes, and there is nothing that make their order logical. They aren't sorted by language, author, category, title, title translated to English, colour, size… Unless the titles are sorted alphabetically in some language I don't know they are just a completely jumbled mess." Light held up his fingers as he listed all the possible ways to sort books until he couldn't think of any more, then he laid his hands down onto the table, his palms turned upwards in a slightly exasperated gesture.

"They are, as you so nicely put it, a completely jumbled mess." L said, again he was smirking that infuriating smirk of his that occasionally appeared when he knew something everyone else didn't.

"They are?" Light repeated with a frown. He couldn't understand why L would want the books to be unsorted like they were, was it just to bother Light?

"Yes." L deadpanned.

"There is really no logic behind how they are sorted?" Light asked again, knowing he was just repeating himself.

"None at all."

"Why?" Light said with narrowed eyes; there _had_ to be a reason. L would never just accept something like that without any reason behind it; it just didn't fit the detective's personality at _all._

"What makes you think there is a reason?" L asked innocently.

"Beside the fact that all the other books in the bookcase are sorted alphabetically? I doesn't fit your personality." Light said, already knowing he was right.

"Good point, Light-kun." L said, pretending to just have realised that. "All the children at the orphanage I grew up in have this same set of books in their bookcase. They are not to be tampered with, because those are the rules. It's to teach the children a series of things, first and foremost to not look for order and reason where there is none, that greatly decreases one's ability to solve puzzles because you waste time and energy on a hopeless pursuit. You need to recognise when there is a pattern and when there isn't. It also teaches children to follow rules, although it doesn't work on all of them… Also, they are really good books, not only could you learn a lot by reading them, they are entertaining and interesting."

"No wonder you are messed up in the head… This orphanage doesn't sound like a healthy place to grow up." Light said when L was done explaining.

"Quite the contrary Light-kun, for people like you and me it's the only place to grow up. Only exceptionally intelligent children are taken in. The orphanage is also a school, and the main focus is to challenge every single student and push them to achieve their best. It really does keep you entertained." L said.

"Hm." Light found it hard to believe that L would have been more messed up than he already was if he had grown up somewhere other than this special orphanage for exceptionally gifted children.

"Let's just say there had been far more genius mass-murderers in the world without this orphanage." L commented.

"Very funny." Light said with a snort, now _that_ was definitely not something he believed.

"I am serious." L said, not a trace of the smirk he usually sported whenever he was messing around with Light.

"Really?" Light asked hesitantly _._

 _Could there really be a place full of geniuses just like L and I?_ He thought, his gaze firmly fixated upon L's face, ready to catch any trace of that playful smirk he always showed whenever he was making things up.

"Really." L confirmed, his face completely stoic.

"Huh… Interesting." Light said, and then after processing what he'd just learnt for a moment, he added; "Can we visit it sometime?"

"Actually, I was going to talk to you about that. I think I have found a method of wrapping up the case." L said. As soon as the words left his mouth, Light felt a painful knot begin to form in his stomach. He still couldn't imagine how they were supposed to end the case without revealing that he was Kira to anyone.

"How?" Light asked tensely, not sure he wanted to hear what L had to say.

"The taskforce is already convinced that Higuchi couldn't have been the first Kira. The longer we stay with them the greater the chance of them figuring out that something is going on; therefore, we need to 'solve' the case as soon as possible. Putting the blame on someone really does seem to be the only option. They won't be satisfied until they are presented with an actual body."

"We can't put the blame on someone else. They'll never believe it if we put the blame on a criminal and I absolutely refuse to have an innocent person involved in this." Light said immediately.

"I know, I've already ruled out those two options. Since the taskforce consider Kira a bit of a social recluse, I was thinking of someone who are dead, and have no family. That way we won't defile the memory of some poor dead person and bring their family misery." L explained.

"How on earth are we supposed to find someone like that." Light asked. What L said _did_ make sense, but it was rather hard to track down deceased geniuses.

"Well, it just so happens that I know of just the right orphanage." L said dramatically.

"Oh. You're a genius." Light said as he realised what L was referring to.

"I know. The taskforce will have no trouble believing that someone raised in the same environment as me would become a murder. I am fairly certain Aizawa has already considered the possibility of me being Kira."

"Do you have anyone particular in mind then?"

"Ah. Well here's where things become a bit difficult. Not even I am allowed much information on the children for the sake of their safety, so we will have to go to England so that I can dig through the archives there…" L said, his words dying out as he stared intently at Light, gauging his reaction as the brunette inevitably figured out what L was hinting at.

"And I have to come with you because you won't feel safe leaving me here." Light finished.

"I like to think that it's mostly because I enjoy your company." L rectified quickly, although without completely denying what Light said either.

"My father will never let us go without him." Light commented.

"He'll have to." L said with a shrug.

"Yeah, have fun convincing him." Light said with a snort.

"… Watari can do that." L said after a short pause, clearly not finding the idea appealing.

"Moron." Light said with a playful smirk.

"I thought we just agreed that I am a genius." L said, his tone making it clear that he wasn't actually offended.

"I must have been delirious." Light commented, tossing his head in a haughty manner.

-x-

 **I am so sorry if I butchered any languages, I obviously google-translated most of them. If anyone are curious, here is the list of the 'books' (most of which I made up), both in English and the language that is supposed to be 'the original' language, and then the language in parenthesis. Feel free to correct anything that might be wrong.**

1\. The History of Japan/Nipponshi (Japanese)

2\. The Wonders of Biology/Na iontais na Bitheolaíochta (Irish)

3\. My Fight/Mein Kampf (German)

4\. How to Write a Good Speech/Cum de a scrie un discurs bun (Romanian)

5\. Greek Mythology/Ellinikí mythología (Greek)

6\. Information technology/Jōhō gijutsu (Japanese)

7\. How cars work/Wie Autos funktionieren (German)

8\. Lord of the rings/- (English)

9\. Human anatomy/inche haebuhag (Korean)

10\. Music theory/musikteori (Swedish)

11\. Grimms' Fairy Tales/Kinder- und Hausmärchen (German)

12\. Cosmetology/Měiróng (Chinese)

13\. Scientific methods and theories/videnskabelige metoder og teorier (Danish)

14\. The Oxford English Dictionary/- (English)

15\. Outdated inventions/zastarili vynakhody (Ukrainian)

16\. The Mind of the Psychopath/de geest van de psychopaat (Dutch)

17\. Architecture/arquitectura (Spanish)

18\. How to make your plants grow anywhere/comment faire pousser vos plantes partout (French)

19\. Chemistry/chimica (Italian)

20\. What makes people tick/hvað gerir fólk merkið (Icelandic)

21\. All about HTML-coding/allt om HTML-kodning (Swedish)

22\. Norse mythology/Norrøn mytologi (Norwegian)

23\. Criminology/criminologia (Portuguese)

24\. A summary of the last 4.5 bill years/A summa 4.5 sescenti annis in novissimo (Latin)

25\. Law and justice/- (English)

26\. Quantum Mechanics/kvantová mechanika (Czech)

 **So only three of these are real (as far as I know): Kinder- und Hausmärchen (I actually read this one quite often to practice my german), Mein Kampf (never read, but I hear it's interesting), and The Oxford English Dictionary (obviously).**


End file.
